Silence (revisited)

[Heartafire]

Revised

Sparrows cloud the sky.
Winged shadows,
they fill the air with silence,
their song caught in their throats.

My voice has abandoned me too,
a bell that will not ring.
A tongue tied with filament.

Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single sound.
Without your song
the quiet is overwhelming.

[tectak]

Hi heart,
I didn't want to leave this languishing but on reading it I felt that whatever I said about it would lead to changes (if you acted on my comments) or it would remain a victim to other crits! So here goes.

Sparrows cloud the sky,Not complicated. Clear. Simple. Statemental. Specific to this piece, on this day, at this time. It cannot stay this way!
winged shadows of distant figments.OK. Not a bad intro to enhance the sparrowness of the piece but "distant figments" leaves me out of the picture. In spite of common useage being a "figment of imagination", a figment is already that. It is an unreal nonentity. Put at a "distance" it is an unreal thing a long way off. So I am puzzled. I will get over it.
They fill the air with quiet,...or perhaps not. Notwithstanding the abstraction of "quiet" against "quietness" this is a counter-intuitive line, not at all sparrow-like. I see the wheeling crowd of sparrows, ill-defined by distance and too far away to hear. (though I know they're chirrupping away like crazy) I get the big-sky picture... but I am working for it. One of us is maybe a little over-poetic?
their song caught in their throats.Good but why? Tell me. My thoughts above have just been crushed out of existence

My voice has abandoned me too, Again , the simplistic opener. Uncontroversial. There is, and all is opinion, a feeling of broken continuity with the next line. The metaphors are very mixed and do not help me to understand why you are stricken dumb. I think that there is possibly a metaphor too many, here. I am now wanting to discover just why everything has fallen silent...sparrows to species-jump. All silent. This had better be good
a bell that will not ring.
Words dying on my lips,
a tongue tied with filament.

Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single stanza.
Without your sound
the silence is overwhelming.OK. I am not going to go all judgemental here. This is commitment verse that gets where it's going then finds that it went nowhere. The "you" implicit in "your" comes too late. It seems like an afterthought. Maybe it is. As I said, it is hard to crit because this reader feels that to ask for ANY changes would make the piece no longer true to you. These are my thoughts...but that is all they are. As it is, it is true to itself. An honest piece of work but not for mass assimilation.
Best,
tectak.

[Heartafire]

Hi tec, thank you for not letting this languish, I do apologize. It is
mawkishly sentimental. At times I enjoy your critiques more than the poetry. If I decide this is worth tinkering with I will take your comments into account. They are very much appreciated ( and enjoyed ). I do have a sense of humor and enjoy yours.

[Brownlie]

Sparrows cloud the sky, -- A strong image I see a large mass of birds covering the sky.
winged shadows of distant figments. -- How are the birds themselves shadows?
They fill the air with quiet, Quiet is the negation of sound, how can they fill the air with quiet? Perhaps this has to do with the essence of what quiet is?
their song caught in their throats. -- Can this sentiment be expressed in some sort of action of the birds like a movement of their head or something?

My voice has abandoned me too,
a bell that will not ring.
Words dying on my lips,
a tongue tied with filament. --I would consider getting rid of these last three lines. Once you've described that you're voice has abandoned you the rest seems redundant.

Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single stanza.
Without your sound
the silence is overwhelming. -- I like the idea of silence as a sort of brooding pall it is very suspenseful, but I think these lines can be expressed more eloquently.

I may have missed your point, but it seems as if there is something here that has not yet come to fruition. Thanks for posting.

[tectak]

Hi tec, thank you for not letting this languish, I do apologize. It is
mawkishly sentimental. At times I enjoy your critiques more than the poetry. If I decide this is worth tinkering with I will take your comments into account. They are very much appreciated ( and enjoyed ). I do have a sense of humor and enjoy yours.

Hi heart,
You really SHOULD finish this piece off. What you call "mawkishly sentimental" is, in fact, the very essence of poetry...in spite of what we all believe (well, those who believe anything) is critique, the heart and soul of poetry is a bite out of the heart and soul of the poet.
I am becoming increasingly concerned that crit, mine included and possibly excessively, is preventing genuinely talented poets from taking themselves to higher ground. I do not know what the answer is. Please pursue this piece as if it was your finest work. To leave a thought in the smoke of burned bridges is a great waste.
Best

tectak

[Heartafire]

Hi there Tek, Brownlie, and toomuchhappiness (can't get enough happiness!) I apologize for the delay in responding. I made a small revision in this in s1 l2, but I haven't been up to revising this as I would like to. Thank you for coming back here, Tek, I do plan to work on this, possibly expand it, I will keep the suggestions you have all given me in mind. Thank you so much!
My best,
Heart

[Ryan_w_r]

I really love this... Being a rather solitaire individual I can connect with the silence you speak of.. The kind of silence that wants to be heard.. That forced silence that leaves a lump in your throat when your holding back something you really want to say. Thank you

[Brownlie]

Revised

Sparrows cloud the sky.
Winged shadows, - I would consider combining these first two lines or perhaps conneced them with a verb or something. they fill the air with silence, -- I don't think you need this line
their song caught in their throats. - This is an interesting idea and it tells us that there is silence. wouldn't this be more powerful: Their song caught in their throats and for me to there is a bell that will not ring I don't know you could probably come up with something better than that. Redundant lines can sometimes impede a poem in my opinion.


My voice has abandoned me too,
a bell that will not ring.
A tongue tied with filament.-- I like the consonance here just listened to Rime of the Ancient Mariner which is only about a half our long he uses a lot alliteration like that and seemed to work as he was consistent with it for a period of time
Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single sound.
Without your song


Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single sound.
Without your song ---- What are these sparrows a metaphor for?

I listened for the tune of flighting birds
I listened in the empty air. --- I don't know I'm being narcissitc here wanting to be creative, but I think you should work on the last stanza.
the quiet is overwhelming. - This ending is rather abrupt. I have seen/heard poems where abrupt lines that stick out can be used to summarize the meaning of data that is presented earlier in a poem, but I don't think that ending achieves that aim for me.

This poem is consistant with these birds which I believe can be expanded on to create an extended metaphor that is effective. I would keep going over physical descriptions of the scene and I think you might find some things that work as you examine the environment.