I Lay

Here I lay, reminiscing all the moments,
I stare above and see the night sky,
The sky was lonely as I, starless and dark,
I lay, wondering, if somewhere across the globe, you thought the same thoughts.

I lay unmoving,
controlling the urge to give in,
All efforts to do so were futile,
Thinking of us, not knowing what to expect,
Left and betrayed by my courage,
emotion filled me, loneliness and sorrow.
As a single tear drops, multitude of others follow.

I lay, feeling the uselessness of my efforts,
All bravery and courage drained,
Robbed of my good judgement,
Any logical and reasonable train of thought abandoned,
Feeling helpless, meaningless, fruitless, abortive, pointless, purposeless and most of all incompetent.

I lay, as I've always have lain,
when my world was empty and you weren't there,
Now, that world embodies me again.
A world of full of darkness,
A world of a winding and never-ending road,
A world without you.

I lay, as darkness overshadows me,
Emotions overlapping,
Despair creeping closer,
Finally, it is all over.

Hi Zero,
I'm really sorry but at the moment I cannot get past your use of the word Lay, which to my understanding is just wrong.
The verbs to lie and to lay have very different meanings. Simply put, to lie means “to rest,” “to assume or be situated in a horizontal position,” and to lay means “to put or place.”
It would appear that you wish to convey an ongoing position of resting or being in a reclined position so I think you need to be using lie. (I read lay as an action word done to an object so you lay a person to rest in a grave for example).

I thought the concept / poem subject was worthy of exploring further, but you have used a lot of cliches and some of the thoughts / emotions come across as a bit overdone.
I like the image in your first stanza, of being as lonley as the sky and you kept some connection to the image of darkness through the rest of the poem which I think would be nice and would strengthen your poem if you made more of this image connection.
The basic idea of lieing and looking up and drawing the reader to the sky and then back down to connect with the person of desire is nice. I think there is plenty in here that is worth working with.

AJ

Hi Zero, I am impressed with this piece. Cidermaid is correct in the proper use of lay and lie, though I still like that way "lay" plays
(cute!) in this lovely poem. My distraction came with the lines that seem to run on. I think I would review those to see if you can break those in some way and still keep the rhythm and flow.. Some very fine writing here.
my best,
Heart

There's also some confusion as lay is also the past tense of lie, but it looks like you're speaking in the present tense.

Quote:Here I lie, reminiscing all the moments,
I stare above and see the night sky,
The sky was lonely as me, starless and dark, bit of a conflict of tense here
I lie, wondering, if somewhere across the globe, you think the same thoughts.

I lie unmoving,
controlling the urge to give in,
All efforts to do so was futile,
Thinking of us, not knowing what to expect,
Left and betrayed by my courage,
emotion filled me, loneliness and sorrow.
As a single tear drops, multitude of others follow.

I lie, feeling the uselessness of my efforts,
All bravery and courage drained,
Robbed of my good judgement,
Any logical and reasonable train of thought abandoned,
Feeling helpless, meaningless, fruitless, abortive, pointless, purposeless and most of all incompetent.

I lie, as I've always have lain,
when my world was empty and you weren't there,
Now, that world embodies me again.
A world of full of darkness,
A world of a winding and never-ending road,
A world without you.

I lie, as darkness overshadows me,
Emotions overlapping,
Despair creeping closer,
Finally, it is all over.

Have to go to class now, would check up on this later.
Nonetheless, thank you for the feedbacks, very well appreciated.

Okay, after countless thoughts on the topic (and pulling my hair off), I'm still as unsure as ever, although, I would want to present my side of it.

First of all, I used alteration in this poem, and "I Lay" sounds nicer than "I Lie" as "lie" is often connected to "telling the untruth". More so, "I Lay" is more pleasing to the ears (as Heartafire stated, it is more "cute", for lack of better word). Secondly, lie's, as an intransitive verb, past form is lay and past participle is lain. I do notice that there are a few shifts in tenses, but as I would like to call it, these are necessary ones to maintain not only, consistency but also, to emphasize how this is being narrated in more of the past.

Also, about

Quote: "The sky was lonely as I/me, starless and dark" bit of a conflict of tense here

I always used "my friends and I" rather than "my friends and me", I'm not really sure if this applies though, so any clarifications please?.

Please do not take this as I not accepting negative criticism, because I really appreciate everyone's feedback on this, but as merely, me trying to improve.
Hoping to get enlightened, Zero.

This happend just the other day
my lover lay upon the lawn
she sang a lay of lustrous prawn
that lie upon the ocean bed
then asked of lovers I have had.

I laid this lie upon her lips
"I laid the maid just for her hips
I've lain with farmers while they're reaping,
laid all seven lords 'a leaping.
Come evening time when I lie down
I'll probably lay a circus clown"

So since that day, her grammar's fey
she always conjugates 'to lay'.

(04-10-2013, 02:02 PM)Zero Wrote:  Okay, after countless thoughts on the topic (and pulling my hair off), I'm still as unsure as ever, although, I would want to present my side of it.

First of all, I used alteration in this poem, and "I Lay" sounds nicer than "I Lie" as "lie" is often connected to "telling the untruth". More so, "I Lay" is more pleasing to the ears (as Heartafire stated, it is more "cute", for lack of better word).

You wouldn't be the first to use that rationale. "Lay Lady Lay" by Bob Dylan got away with it.

Quote:Also, about

Quote: "The sky was lonely as I/me, starless and dark" bit of a conflict of tense here

I always used "my friends and I" rather than "my friends and me", I'm not really sure if this applies though, so any clarifications please?.

Objective vs subjective.

Use "I" when you're the subject of the sentence, "me" when you're the object.

In this case "the sky" is the subject and you are the object.

("my friends and I" presents two subjects)

As far as the tense goes, it would work either way but should be consistent.

I stumbled upon Lay Lady Lay and Eric Clapton's Lay Down Sally upon researching this as well.
Does this give me enough justification/leeway to leave my poem to "I Lay"?

Thank you for enlightening me about my misconception of "I" from "me".

There is another point I want to be clarified on though, Stanza 2 Line 3

Quote:All efforts to do so was futile

I am rather confused in the subject verb agreement of this, so I ended up using "was", should it be "were"?
I say "All it took was four screws" but likewise, it can also be said, "All it took were four screws". Alternatively, we can also say, "four screws was all it took".

(04-10-2013, 03:52 PM)Crepuscule Wrote:  

(04-10-2013, 02:02 PM)Zero Wrote:  Okay, after countless thoughts on the topic (and pulling my hair off), I'm still as unsure as ever, although, I would want to present my side of it.

First of all, I used alteration in this poem, and "I Lay" sounds nicer than "I Lie" as "lie" is often connected to "telling the untruth". More so, "I Lay" is more pleasing to the ears (as Heartafire stated, it is more "cute", for lack of better word).

You wouldn't be the first to use that rationale. "Lay Lady Lay" by Bob Dylan got away with it.

Quote:Also, about

Quote: "The sky was lonely as I/me, starless and dark" bit of a conflict of tense here

I always used "my friends and I" rather than "my friends and me", I'm not really sure if this applies though, so any clarifications please?.

Objective vs subjective.

Use "I" when you're the subject of the sentence, "me" when you're the object.

In this case "the sky" is the subject and you are the object.

("my friends and I" presents two subjects)

As far as the tense goes, it would work either way but should be consistent.

"The sky was as lonely as I" is correct. The confusion comes over the /inferred/ verb, a perfectly ok and common practice in poetry. It is clear that "I" is not the object of any verb so the reader assumes the verb "was" to follow making the inferred sentence "The sun was as lonely as I (was)" which is grammatically correct.

Bob Dylan was potentially offering a different suggestion to "lady" then lying down IYKWIM.

milo

---

(04-10-2013, 02:02 PM)Zero Wrote:  Okay, after countless thoughts on the topic (and pulling my hair off), I'm still as unsure as ever, although, I would want to present my side of it.

First of all, I used alteration in this poem, and "I Lay" sounds nicer than "I Lie" as "lie" is often connected to "telling the untruth". More so, "I Lay" is more pleasing to the ears (as Heartafire stated, it is more "cute", for lack of better word). Secondly, lie's, as an intransitive verb, past form is lay and past participle is lain. I do notice that there are a few shifts in tenses, but as I would like to call it, these are necessary ones to maintain not only, consistency but also, to emphasize how this is being narrated in more of the past.

Also, about

Quote: "The sky was lonely as I/me, starless and dark" bit of a conflict of tense here

I always used "my friends and I" rather than "my friends and me", I'm not really sure if this applies though, so any clarifications please?.

Please do not take this as I not accepting negative criticism, because I really appreciate everyone's feedback on this, but as merely, me trying to improve.
Hoping to get enlightened, Zero.

a possibly grammatically correct alternative:

There I lay, reminiscing all the moments,
I stared above and saw the night sky,
The sky was as lonely as I, starless and dark,
I lay, wondering, if somewhere across the globe, you thought the same thoughts.

I lay unmoving,
controlling the urge to give in,
All efforts to do so were futile,
Thinking of us, not knowing what to expect,
Left and betrayed by my courage,
emotion filled me, loneliness and sorrow also filled me.
After a single tear dropped, multitudes of others followed.

I lay, feeling the uselessness of my efforts,
All bravery and courage drained,
Robbed of my good judgement,
Any logical and reasonable train of thought abandoned,
Feeling helpless, meaningless, fruitless, abortive, pointless, purposeless and most of all incompetent.

I lay, as I've always have lain,
when my world was empty and you weren't there,
Now, that world embodies me again.
A world of full of darkness,
A world of a winding and never-ending road,
A world without you embodies me.

I lay, as darkness overshadowed me,
Emotions overlapping,
Despair creeping closer,
Finally, it was all over.

that at least fixes the grammar, the content is another matter . . .

milo

I'm getting the impression that both are correct? If so, I would prefer it if it stayed as "I" merely because it is more pleasant to the ears.

Thank you for everyone who have put effort just to lend me a helping hand, as you may have noticed, I adapted a few changes and have revised my work.

(04-10-2013, 04:12 PM)Zero Wrote:  I'm getting the impression that both are correct? If so, I would prefer it if it stayed as "I" merely because it is more pleasant to the ears.

Thank you for everyone who have put effort just to lend me a helping hand, as you may have noticed, I adapted a few changes and have revised my work.

Both are /not/ correct. Only "I" is correct in that sentence.

If you were trying to say "the sky was I" it would be incorrect it would have to be the "sky was me".

(04-10-2013, 04:04 PM)milo Wrote:  "The sky was as lonely as I" is correct. The confusion comes over the /inferred/ verb, a perfectly ok and common practice in poetry. It is clear that "I" is not the object of any verb so the reader assumes the verb "was" to follow making the inferred sentence "The sun was as lonely as I (was)" which is grammatically correct.

Thanks for the clarification.

(04-10-2013, 04:20 PM)milo Wrote:  Both are /not/ correct. Only "I" is correct in that sentence.
If you were trying to say "the sky was I" it would be incorrect it would have to be the "sky was me".

I'm confused as ever, if the "I" was correct, then isn't "The sky was lonely as I" correct? As you have said, the inferred verb "was" is there, so it forms into, "The sky was lonely as I was"?

Also, there is another point I want to be clarified on though, Stanza 2 Line 3

Quote:All efforts to do so was futile

I am rather confused in the subject verb agreement of this, so I ended up using "was", should it be "were"?
I say "All it took was four screws" but likewise, it can also be said, "All it took were four screws". Alternatively, we can also say, "four screws was all it took".

@milo, is the content of the poem not good enough?

(04-10-2013, 04:33 PM)Zero Wrote:  

(04-10-2013, 04:20 PM)milo Wrote:  Both are /not/ correct. Only "I" is correct in that sentence.

If you were trying to say "the sky was I" it would be incorrect it would have to be the "sky was me".

I'm confused as ever, if the "I" was correct, then isn't "The sky was lonely as I" correct? As you have said, the inferred verb "was" is there, so it forms into, "The sky was lonely as I was"?

Also,

There is another point I want to be clarified on though, Stanza 2 Line 3

Quote:All efforts to do so was futile

I am rather confused in the subject verb agreement of this, so I ended up using "was", should it be "were"?
I say "All it took was four screws" but likewise, it can also be said, "All it took were four screws". Alternatively, we can also say, "four screws was all it took".

"were" is correct.

"Was" is correct in your 4 screws example because the pronoun "it" is singular. You are using it to refer to (presumably) a solution. You could never say "4 screws was on the floor".

milo

Thank you for the help!

There I lay, reminiscing ,
the night sky,
as lonely as I, starless and dark.
I lay, wondering, if somewhere across the globe, you thought the same thoughts as I did.

I lay

Thinking of us,
betrayed by my courage,
loneliness and sorrow filled me.
multitudes of tears followed a single tear.

I lay, feeling useless
bravery and courage drained,
Robbed of judgement,
reasonable thought abandoned,
Feeling helpless, meaningless, fruitless, abortive, pointless, purposeless and most of all incompetent.

I lay, as I've always lain,
when you weren't there,
Now, that world embodies me again.
A world of darkness,
A world of a winding and never-ending road,
A world without you .

I lay, as darkness overshadowed me,
Emotions overlapping,
Despair creeping closer,
it was all over.

Just trimming some superfluous verbiage helps somewhat

It still reads a lot like a thesaurus entry for "I feel bad" and it lacks much poetic language, but at least it is a shorter list of anguish.

milo

Eh, I'm just going to go with my piece, the reason for that is because I wouldn't want much of the poem cut/shortened because of sentimental value, as this was written by me when I was 13, thanks a lot for the feedback and the help though!

(04-10-2013, 05:58 PM)Zero Wrote:  Eh, I'm just going to go with my piece, the reason for that is because I wouldn't want much of the poem cut/shortened because of sentimental value, as this was written by me when I was 13, thanks a lot for the feedback and the help though!

yah, sorry, forgot this was novice, disregard my previous comment, good luck on the grammar.

milo

No, no, I really thought you gave merited critiques and I sincerely thank you for that.