[Image: http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-...arroyo.jpg]

Sadness is not my name

Sadness is not my name

Yet I was born with
a similar pain ~ under
the placenta
came this nourishing
gait. Hate is the
opinion of giants and
monsters roaming and
storming my head. Why
must the sky
dawdle when we all
need to need. Bent
over and handcuffed

The lime and the
scum rubbing off the
threats, screaming and cleaving
That there is no one left. Escape
is the fate of scientists

Muddling and melding
My mind to yours
In words ~ alas,
Here

hi UnofficiallyMe,

this reminds me a lot of the first piece I posted here (but mercifully much shorter) see here: http://pigpenpoetry.com/Thread-what-nation-of-peace, and take a look at the comments I got, they were really useful to me and hopefully they will be for you too. =]

Thanks.. looking over it now.. I really like your piece!

Hi Me (in an unofficial capacity):

To your poem:

(03-19-2013, 11:42 PM)UnofficiallyMe Wrote:  [Image: http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-...arroyo.jpg]

Sadness is not my name

Sadness is not my name

Yet I was born with
a similar pain ~ under
the placenta--I like how this all leads in from the title. Pain and sadness are a little vague without a corresponding image to ground them, but I don't really take issue with them.
came this nourishing
gait. Hate is the--gait while providing internal rhyme comes off a bit odd in context. My main issue with this poem though starts here with the line breaks. I am just not a fan of these breaks on the or and. The half pause of the break makes the flow choppy. I think you would be better served for instance breaking on opinion or giants. Its good phrasing. It's just not served best by your line arrangement. I would belabor the point and go down line by line for the breaks. I'd just ask you consider treating the lines like independant units and asking yourself how each thought sits alone and how each line feeds into the next. I think you could enhance the poem greatly with some very simple changes
opinion of giants and
monsters roaming and
storming my head. Why
must the sky
dawdle when we all
need to need. Bent--The why must the sky dawdle line is really good. You need a question mark after need.
over and handcuffed

The lime and the
scum rubbing off the
threats, screaming and cleaving
That there is no one left. Escape
is the fate of scientists--I actually think you could keep the lime and scum and threats and the cool escape line and mostly cut the rest. I think what works in this poem are these linking statments: Hate is... Escape is... They are the meat of the piece for me.

Muddling and melding
My mind to yours
In words ~ alas,
Here

I enjoyed the read. I hope the comments help.

Best,

Todd

Revision based on Todds helpful criticism. Thanks! Tell me which you all like better!

Sadness is not my name

Yet I was born with
A similar pain ~ under
The placenta
Came this nourishing
fate.

Hate is the
Opinion of giants and
Monsters roaming and
Storming my head.

Why
Must the sky
Dawdle when we all
Need to need?

Bent
Over and handcuffed.

The lime and the
Scum rubbing off the
Threats, screaming and cleaving
That there is no one left.

Escape
Is the fate of scientists.

It is a mystery for all the rest.

Hi there! There is definite potential in this poem and you have a good ear, which is a very big part of the battle already won, but there are some issues that I'll address here -- bearing in mind that this is Serious Critique, so it's fine-toothed-comb time.

(03-20-2013, 12:53 AM)UnofficiallyMe Wrote:  Sadness is not my name -- is this the title or the first line? I'm not a fan of it being both -- and I'd prefer it as the first line. As a title it tells too much about the poem.

Yet I was born with
A similar pain ~ under
The placenta
Came this nourishing -- the word "nourishing" is very odd in conjunction with "pain" and "fate", and not really odd in a good way Personally I would put an adjective with a negative connotation here to highlight the pain. Also, "came" is a strange verb to use as it sounds too colloquial here -- perhaps "lay" instead? That would keep your assonance intact.
fate.

Hate is the
Opinion of giants and
Monsters roaming and
Storming my head. -- three line breaks on articles/conjunctions -- this is a waste of breaks really. Try to keep in mind that when we read a poem we pay the most attention to the first and last words on a line, so we really need to make them count. There's nothing memorable about "and". I don't have an issue with breaking on these words occasionally but it must be for a reason and I can't find one here that's good enough. You might even find that this poem works better with longer lines interspersed with the shorter.

Why
Must the sky
Dawdle when we all -- the personification of sky is very nicely done
Need to need?

Bent
Over and handcuffed. -- again an issue with the line breaks -- when enjambing, the break really ought to do double duty and give words a little shift in meaning when read separately or together -- this doesn't.

The lime and the
Scum rubbing off the -- no need for "the" here
Threats, screaming and cleaving -- cleaving what? This can't be just left here on its own
That there is no one left. -- this might work better if you put a colon after whatever you change the previous line to, and take out "that" to make it a bolder statement.

Escape
Is the fate of scientists.

It is a mystery for all the rest. -- this line might benefit from a switch to "for all the rest, it is a mystery" -- not imperative but it's a preference thing

Wow, thanks! I really love the input.. I made this revision based on what you said, I hope its in the right direction

My Name (new name of poem)

Sadness is not my name
Yet I was born with
Similar pain ~ under
Her placenta came my
New fame.

Hate is the
Opinion of giants,
Monsters roaming &
Storming my head.

Why
Must the sky
Dawdle when we all
Need to need?

Bent
Over me and handcuffed.

Lime and scum
Rubbing off threats
Screaming / dreaming
No one is left.

Escape
Is the fate of scientists.
For all the rest, it is a mystery.

(03-20-2013, 05:08 AM)UnofficiallyMe Wrote:  Wow, thanks! I really love the input.. I made this revision based on what you said, I hope its in the right direction

[b]My Name (new name of poem)
Hi,
I come late go this but can appreciate that you are trying to improve the piece in an editorially perfunctory fashion. Good for you. It is working...but the crits don't seem to be able to overcome your structural inertia. Why are you insisistent on these pointless line breaks? There. I've said it.
Sadness is not my name
Yet I was born with
Similar pain ~ under
Her placenta came my
New fame. Excuse my campaign. Capitalising every line is very confusing, an old never fully accepted tradition, of no merit and is often just plain wrong. In fact, anything which is done out of tradition is usually wrong.

Hate is the
Opinion of giants,
Monsters roaming & Ditch the ampersand. We are not short of ink or time
Storming my head.

Why
Must the sky
Dawdle when we all
Need to need? What is the link between the dawdling sky (nice turn of phrase) and our (unproven so preachy) need to need?

Bent
Over me and handcuffed.

Lime and scum
Rubbing off threats
Screaming / dreaming Make up your mind. It is your poem. Screaming or dreaming...or both. I just cannot decide. That is what a slash is for. That is all it is for. After an edit there is no place for the slash. Forward/backward? Same applies.
No one is left.

Escape
Is the fate of scientists.
For all the rest, it is a mystery. IT sure is. What is ?

Lots of lovely phrasing, lots of succulent words. Lots of cameo points...but nothing binding it all together. You would do well to examine your line breaks. Read the piece out loud (not to your mother who will say lovely, dear), this will highlight all of the points mentioned by me and the other kind crits. Worth working on.
Best,
tectak