Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
I have made some revisions. Do they suck :-)?
Revision 2
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
vain keepsakes.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Revision 1
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
keepsakes tended in vain.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Original
Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-16-2013, 03:30 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again
Hi heart,
This is terse-verse and accordingly does not have a whole lot to crit...nothing wrong with that BUT when there is not a lot to go at you have to make the best of what there is. So. No rhyme...fine. No meter...OK. That's fine, too. Content? Well, absolutely...petit bijoux. Can it be improved? Well, you stuck it in serious crit so I will try not to disappoint 
What is left?....Flow! ( Apologies for the repeated last line...It is very me and can be very glissando! )
Skies drip rain
into vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead flowers
day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again...
will not sing again.
What say you?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(03-16-2013, 03:46 AM)tectak Wrote: (03-16-2013, 03:30 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again
Hi heart,
This is terse-verse and accordingly does not have a whole lot to crit...nothing wrong with that BUT when there is not a lot to go at you have to make the best of what there is. So. No rhyme...fine. No meter...OK. That's fine, too. Content? Well, absolutely...petit bijoux. Can it be improved? Well, you stuck it in serious crit so I will try not to disappoint
What is left?....Flow! ( Apologies for the repeated last line...It is very me and can be very glissando! )
Skies drip rain
into vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead flowers
day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again...
will not sing again.
What say you?
Best,
tectak
Hi tectak,
I say I like your suggestion to pause and repeat the final line very much. Thank you for taking on this minimal piece. Perhaps I will expand this with another stanza if something should come to me. Your
comments are very much appreciated.
My best and many thanks,
Heart
Posts: 1,279
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Joined: Dec 2016
(03-16-2013, 03:30 AM)Heartafire Wrote: Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow, vases if sorrow is that sort of abstraction where we have to fill something with it (buckets of love, lakes of hope, etc.)
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day. resurrecting dead flowers is nice
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again.
I don't know if the contrast or the image is really working but there are no technical quibbles with it.
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Hi Holly,
I like that you took ideas that are associated with romantic love and turned them on themselves. We have the first images showing a methodical sadness. I didn't have any real issues with the progression, but I did think of one option for you. The key images for the relationship are the flowers that perk up again and again only to keep wilting in false hope day after day and the bird that appears to be flying but is simply carried along by the passion or drama of it all. You might consider cutting sorrow all together because the rain and the flowers evoke a sort of sadness on their own. Here's the progression I was thinking of (I'll leave the line breaks to you): Skies drip rain into vases of dead flowers resurrecting them day after day.
It's just a thought. I enjoyed where you're going with this.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 170
Threads: 53
Joined: Jan 2013
I really enjoyed this poem. It reminded me of a passage from The Logic of Sense, ‘…music does not have hysteria as its clinical essence [the broken wing of a bird, the Body without Organs made Organ without Body – in a forced fashion], but is confronted more and more with a galloping schizophrenia. To hystericize music we would have to reintroduce colours [the flower; and note ‘Difference and Repetition’ (difference is produced only through repetition)], passing through the rudimentary or refined system of correspondences between sound and colour.’
and this, your poem, made me think, there is a moment beyond music and painting (and gone beyond simple writing, towards poetry) that slides between a different Fold [note Deleuze ‘The Fold’] and the same.
However, the ‘vases of sorrow’ I would replace… the ‘of sorrow’ just seemed a little too obvious.
also, I misread it initially as ‘skies rip rain into’… and just thought that was a motherfucker of an opening… but then re-read it and it was only ‘skies drip rain into’… so was a little disappointed. But that is just a side note.
thanks for the read.
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
Hi Milo, Todd, and shem, thanks for the fantastic pointers and suggestions on improving this piece. I plan to edit and perhaps extend this little poem based on your ideas. Appreciate your time and thoughts!
Best,
Heart
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
No, it doesn't suck. The more specific word choices help. It feels tighter. Only suggestion I have:
L7: optionally pare the line to "vain keepsakes."
That's all I've got at the moment.
Best,
Todd
(03-16-2013, 03:30 AM)Heartafire Wrote: I have made some revisions. Do they suck :-)?
Revision
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
keepsakes tended in vain.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Original
Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 170
Threads: 53
Joined: Jan 2013
oh, this is a great revision!
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(03-19-2013, 02:02 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: oh, this is a great revision!
Thanks, Shem!
(03-19-2013, 01:45 AM)Todd Wrote: No, it doesn't suck. The more specific word choices help. It feels tighter. Only suggestion I have:
L7: optionally pare the line to "vain keepsakes."
That's all I've got at the moment.
Best,
Todd
(03-16-2013, 03:30 AM)Heartafire Wrote: I have made some revisions. Do they suck :-)?
Revision
Grey skies drip rain
onto dead flowers,
resurrecting them
day after day.
Submerged petals
soaked in sorrow-
keepsakes tended in vain.
A broken-winged sparrow
swooped up by the wind
will never sing again.
Original
Skies drip rain into
vases of sorrow,
resurrecting dead
flowers day after day.
A broken-winged bird
swooped up by the wind
will not sing again.
Hi Todd, thanks so much for stopping here once more. I like "vain keepsakes." Will be back to put that in place.
best!
Heart
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
I have made a small revision based on the fine suggestion of Todd. Thanks to everyone who helped me with this piece.
Heart
Posts: 2,357
Threads: 230
Joined: Oct 2010
Well you know my feelings on the piece. I didn't comment before on this but I absolutely love the title. It's like moving up and down the scales of emotion.
Gorgeous work Holly.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(03-20-2013, 12:46 AM)Todd Wrote: Well you know my feelings on the piece. I didn't comment before on this but I absolutely love the title. It's like moving up and down the scales of emotion.
Gorgeous work Holly.
Todd, thanks so much for the encouragement.
Holly
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