Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our sepArate ways. How I surprise LEANNE SPOTTED THIS SPELLING MISHTAKE .Thanks, Leanne.
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though edit by seth. Thanks.
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
the lies are caught in all your sighs
and hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
(03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our seperate ways. How I surprise
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this long ago;
we held our breath to see who dies
the first. It will be me, and though
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; but even so
the lie is caught in all your sighs
and hangs there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
Like this very much tectak, though it seems to me " for breath" should be included in the first line. I think this would flow better without " part and go" as you are stating that you are going your separate ways, perhaps redundant. Who dies first. Adore the ending. Thank you for sharing this beautiful love story,
my best,
Heart
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-13-2013, 08:51 AM)Heartafire Wrote: (03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: Edit by seth on holding breath.
The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our seperate ways. How I surprise
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this long ago;
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me and though
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; but even so
the lie is caught in all your sighs
and hangs there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
Like this very much tectak, though it seems to me " for breath" should be included in the first line. I think this would flow better without " part and go" as you are stating that you are going your separate ways, perhaps redundant. Who dies first. Adore the ending. Thank you for sharing this beautiful love story,
my best,
Heart Thanks for this, heart.
The devil got in me with this one. The rhyme scheme is dominant. I was trying very hard to do two things.Strict rhyme ( ABAB......ABAB) and as unforced as I could make it. The thing doesn't say much. I wanted to prove to myself that I could write linguine lines. I didn't enjoy it much.
You are right about the "part and go". I will try to change the line.
The "for breath" point is a bit harder to incorporate but you are solid observer so I take heed.
Thank you,
best,
tectak
Posts: 14
Threads: 4
Joined: Mar 2013
I really enjoy the ending that you've written. This might just be a me thing, but if you said "to see who will die first; it will be me." I guess the verb tense just makes better sense to me. And, then I would make the "it will be me" into it's own sentence, so that way you're separating the two ideas, which will inturn make both of them stronger.
This is how I would've written it if what I just said was hard to follow haha.
"We held our breath to see who will die first; it will be me. And, though......"
Perhaps just changing the punctuation a bit would better help it be organized. These are just my tastes though. But, I do like the poem as a whole quite a bit. Thanks for the read 
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-13-2013, 12:18 PM)Seth31 Wrote: I really enjoy the ending that you've written. This might just be a me thing, but if you said "to see who will die first; it will be me." I guess the verb tense just makes better sense to me. And, then I would make the "it will be me" into it's own sentence, so that way you're separating the two ideas, which will inturn make both of them stronger.
This is how I would've written it if what I just said was hard to follow haha.
"We held our breath to see who will die first; it will be me. And, though......"
Perhaps just changing the punctuation a bit would better help it be organized. These are just my tastes though. But, I do like the poem as a whole quite a bit. Thanks for the read Hi seth,
Thank you for this.There is something not right in the area you identified which I had not spotted. I need to change it...you are right. "We held" and "who will" is a tense clash. ( Got it! Maybe.." we hold our breath....) Thanks for the catch. The punctuation throughout is work in progress.
Best,
tectak
Where true love lies, there should never be a lie
Very well written
(03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our sepArate ways. How I surprise LEANNE SPOTTED THIS SPELLING MISHTAKE .Thanks, Leanne.
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though edit by seth. Thanks.
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
the lies are caught in all your sighs
and hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-14-2013, 03:03 PM)KiranAN Wrote: Where true love lies, there should never be a lie
Very well written
I see you got the pun, kiran. Is there anything which you think could be improved in the poem?
Best,
tectak
(03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our sepArate ways. How I surprise LEANNE SPOTTED THIS SPELLING MISHTAKE .Thanks, Leanne.
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though edit by seth. Thanks.
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
the lies are caught in all your sighs
and hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our sepArate ways. How I surprise LEANNE SPOTTED THIS SPELLING MISHTAKE .Thanks, Leanne.
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though edit by seth. Thanks.
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
the lies are caught in all your sighs
and hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
deserted "I"??????????????????? Really??????????????
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-22-2013, 05:57 AM)softlyfalling Wrote: (03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our sepArate ways. How I surprise LEANNE SPOTTED THIS SPELLING MISHTAKE .Thanks, Leanne.
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though edit by seth. Thanks.
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
the lies are caught in all your sighs
and hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
deserted "I"??????????????????? Really?????????????? Hi softly, You haven't got the hang of this yet You are commenting on a pre-edited version. I incorporated your correction a week back snd credited you!
Thanks again again,
best,
tectak
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-22-2013, 06:12 AM)tectak Wrote: (03-22-2013, 05:57 AM)softlyfalling Wrote: (03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our sepArate ways. How I surprise LEANNE SPOTTED THIS SPELLING MISHTAKE .Thanks, Leanne.
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though edit by seth. Thanks.
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
the lies are caught in all your sighs
and hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
deserted "I"??????????????????? Really?????????????? Hi softly, You haven't got the hang of this yet You are commenting on a pre-edited version. I incorporated your correction a week back snd credited you!
Thanks again again,
best,
tectak
LOLOL....OOPS
(03-22-2013, 06:15 AM)softlyfalling Wrote: (03-22-2013, 06:12 AM)tectak Wrote: (03-22-2013, 05:57 AM)softlyfalling Wrote: (03-13-2013, 08:25 AM)tectak Wrote: The lie is left in air that cries
for breath. The truth has long ago
deserted you and I. The lies
we told, we did not know
(or you would say, not realise)
would see us part and go
our sepArate ways. How I surprise LEANNE SPOTTED THIS SPELLING MISHTAKE .Thanks, Leanne.
myself. I never thought to show
my love, when from your eyes
warm heartfelt tears would flow.
I told you not to care; despise
me for my truths, and I'll forego
whatever joy is left to me. Lies
brought us to this point and so
we hold our breath to see who dies
the first. It's always me, and though edit by seth. Thanks.
you smile, your heart denies
your every word; now we both know
the lies are caught in all your sighs
and hang there as I turn and go.
tectak
2013
deserted "I"??????????????????? Really?????????????? Hi softly, You haven't got the hang of this yet You are commenting on a pre-edited version. I incorporated your correction a week back snd credited you!
Thanks again again,
best,
tectak
LOLOL....OOPS
You have to admit, this page has a preponderance of words...it is a veritable blizzard.
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