In the Gloaming-Tear it to bits

[joshuacan]

In the Gloaming

As the yawning sun begins to sleep,
And dancing winds yield not a peep,

I look to gently waving grass at night,
And give a nod to the Earth’s soft might,

The soft machines in their mechanizations,
Arrive at golden realizations,

I look to the stars that are unborn yet,
And release the burden of hard regret,

In the gloaming, our Sol retires,
This tender night falls soft on spires,

So as bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
And the nightly blanket befalls this Park,

I feel the wondrous nip of chill,
I feel the warmth of human will,

My faith in my lovely fellow Man,
Never waivers, wherever we stand,

I elect next but to feel the wonder,
Of loving love and furied thunder,

The pitter patter of rain in fall,
It’s drumbeat painted loud and tall,

In the gloaming, my love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play,

I’d never have it another way.


Tear it bits, do whatever you please. It'll help me grow.

[justcloudy]

hi Joshua

Just some overall comments: a sort of warm glow spread across me as I read it, it has a nice, hopeful message. But I'm having a hard time with the rhythm as I read... because every stanza is so different it's hard to get into a groove while reading.

"So as bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
And the nightly blanket befalls this Park," <-- this one particularly tripped me up.

Perhaps you could try shortening some of the lines, it may help.

[softlyfalling]

This is so life-affirming that I feel like it would be irreverent to critique it. I would almost rather just bask in the lovely love.
But, that is not what we do here, so...
as i read this, my inner voice was striving for a particular rhythm. Would you consider reworking the lines to have a more even syllable count? I love the lyrical sound that makes in my head, when the lines are similar in cadence.
Kind of like this:
In empyrean gloaming, Sol retires,
Tender evening softly falls on spires
...I realize that has my voice and I am not suggesting this as a rewrite, just using to of your lines to express my thoughts.

[saeity]

In the Gloaming

As the yawning sun begins to sleep,
And dancing winds yield not a peep,

I look to gently waving grass at night,
And give a nod to the Earth’s soft might,

The soft machines in their mechanizations,
Arrive at golden realizations,

I look to the stars that are unborn yet,
And release the burden of hard regret,

In the gloaming, our Sol retires,
This tender night falls soft on spires,

So as bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
And the nightly blanket befalls this Park,

I feel the wondrous nip of chill,
I feel the warmth of human will,

My faith in my lovely fellow Man,
Never waivers, wherever we stand,

I elect next but to feel the wonder,
Of loving love and furied thunder,

The pitter patter of rain in fall,
It’s drumbeat painted loud and tall,

In the gloaming, my love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play,

I’d never have it another way.


Tear it bits, do whatever you please. It'll help me grow.

Hi joshuacan this is a real nice piece, I think you could really pare this down as there are a lot of excessive pronouns, hope you don't mind but I found it easier to just rewrite for you to take some ideas if wanted


In the Gloaming


A yawning sun begins it’s sleep
as dancing winds yield then to peep.

As gentle waving grass at night,
give silent nods to Earth’s soft might.

The soft machines, their mechanizations
arrive at golden realizations.

 Look to the stars that are unborn yet,
 release the burden of hard regret.

As in the gloaming, our Sol retires,
a tender night falls soft on spires.

Whilst bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
a nightly blanket befalls this Park.

The pitter patter of rain in fall
it’s drumbeat painted loud and tall.

In the gloaming, love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play.

[tectak]

In the Gloaming
Prepare to grow.
Joshua, you know how bad this is because you are expecting it to be shredded. Postings like this are not really fair on the critics because you are supposed to do the work before you post. In serious crit we will point out where you are straying from "good practice" or where your poetic technique could be improved. To do this kind of crit on your piece will be slaughter. So be it.

As the yawning sun begins to sleep,
And dancing winds yield not a peep,

I look to gently waving grass at night,
And give a nod to the Earth’s soft might,First the good news. These opening 4 lines, though cheesy and cliche glancing, are just this side of OK. the peep word is not windy...it just is not right for the metaphor... but it rhymes. A poor reason to use it. Think about all the words that end in "eep". Simplistically, go through the alphabet. Keep and leap and sweep and reap and seep and weep....dancing winds don't PEEP!

The soft machines in their mechanizations,No. Stay away from "tion " rhymes. They are ten a penny. That's why rappers love them. Every word you can think of that ends in "tion" ( hmmm) is a french derivation....see. Yoa machination cause constipation and consternation for yoa situation....give me strength in ma salvation. Yikes
Arrive at golden realizations, See. You end up writing garbage because that's
how you began
I look to the stars that are unborn yet, No comma here. Yet is a filler word for a cheap rhyme. They are unborn so they must be unborn yet!
And release the burden of hard regret, This line says nothing fluently

In the gloaming, our Sol retires, Sol? Sol? Where are we? are you too polo to say SUN. We know what Sol is. Why use a Spanish word?
This tender night falls soft on spires, and what is more, the sol went to sleep in stanza one.Remember what you write. This kind of temporal roller-coasting gives me whiplash. You should notice this sort of thing...your poetry needs flow. Just read it through before posting about twenty times until you think it is right.

So as bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
And the nightly blanket befalls this Park, Oh for Pete's sake! If you cannot find a rhyme for dark, change dark. Dreadful. Thank goodnes there wasn't any dew, or you would have us in the zoo. Come to think of it, that's better.

I feel the wondrous nip of chill,
I feel the warmth of human will,

My faith in my lovely fellow Man,
Never waivers, wherever we stand, You have now completely forgotten where you are going, where you have been or where you are. I have lost the will to live. You and I should end it here. The rest of this piece is just fluffy-bear. The loving love line is cringeworthy. Try, please try harder. See end.
I elect next but to feel the wonder,
Of loving love and furied thunder,...and furied is not a word.

The pitter patter of rain in fall, An autumnal cliche...work it out
It’s drumbeat painted loud and tall, Its drumbeat peening out the call; anything to avoid a tall drumbeat

In the gloaming, my love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play,
By now you should be ten feet tall. I am glad to have helped you. This is serious crit. Look, you are a romantic and you think romantic thoughts. It is very difficult to think, write, express, describe, convey, impart all at once. I suggest you forget about rhyming.Take this piece and pull out of it the most significant "points" Write about them. Just a few clean, precise lines. Now consider what you are trying to say to your reader, what route will you take to give the reader a scenic trip. Organise your litte groups of lines like way-points. Arrange your work. Now READ it out loud. Does it flow? Does it make you tingle, shiver or exude a tear? It should. All OK? Now, as you read it, PUNCTUATE it. Now post it back in serious crit.
Sincerely, good luck.
Best,
tectak
I’d never have it another way.


Tear it bits, do whatever you please. It'll help me grow.

This is so life-affirming that I feel like it would be irreverent to critique it. I would almost rather just bask in the lovely love.
But, that is not what we do here, so...
as i read this, my inner voice was striving for a particular rhythm. Would you consider reworking the lines to have a more even syllable count? I love the lyrical sound that makes in my head, when the lines are similar in cadence.
Kind of like this:
In empyrean gloaming, Sol retires,
Tender evening softly falls on spires
...I realize that has my voice and I am not suggesting this as a rewrite, just using to of your lines to express my thoughts.

Two....touche.
tectak!

[saeity]

In the Gloaming
Prepare to grow.
Joshua, you know how bad this is because you are expecting it to be shredded. Postings like this are not really fair on the critics because you are supposed to do the work before you post. In serious crit we will point out where you are straying from "good practice" or where your poetic technique could be improved. To do this kind of crit on your piece will be slaughter. So be it.

As the yawning sun begins to sleep,
And dancing winds yield not a peep,

I look to gently waving grass at night,
And give a nod to the Earth’s soft might,First the good news. These opening 4 lines, though cheesy and cliche glancing, are just this side of OK. the peep word is not windy...it just is not right for the metaphor... but it rhymes. A poor reason to use it. Think about all the words that end in "eep". Simplistically, go through the alphabet. Keep and leap and sweep and reap and seep and weep....dancing winds don't PEEP!

The soft machines in their mechanizations,No. Stay away from "tion " rhymes. They are ten a penny. That's why rappers love them. Every word you can think of that ends in "tion" ( hmmm) is a french derivation....see. Yoa machination cause constipation and consternation for yoa situation....give me strength in ma salvation. Yikes
Arrive at golden realizations, See. You end up writing garbage because that's
how you began
I look to the stars that are unborn yet, No comma here. Yet is a filler word for a cheap rhyme. They are unborn so they must be unborn yet!
And release the burden of hard regret, This line says nothing fluently

In the gloaming, our Sol retires, Sol? Sol? Where are we? are you too polo to say SUN. We know what Sol is. Why use a Spanish word?
This tender night falls soft on spires, and what is more, the sol went to sleep in stanza one.Remember what you write. This kind of temporal roller-coasting gives me whiplash. You should notice this sort of thing...your poetry needs flow. Just read it through before posting about twenty times until you think it is right.

So as bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
And the nightly blanket befalls this Park, Oh for Pete's sake! If you cannot find a rhyme for dark, change dark. Dreadful. Thank goodnes there wasn't any dew, or you would have us in the zoo. Come to think of it, that's better.

I feel the wondrous nip of chill,
I feel the warmth of human will,

My faith in my lovely fellow Man,
Never waivers, wherever we stand, You have now completely forgotten where you are going, where you have been or where you are. I have lost the will to live. You and I should end it here. The rest of this piece is just fluffy-bear. The loving love line is cringeworthy. Try, please try harder. See end.
I elect next but to feel the wonder,
Of loving love and furied thunder,

The pitter patter of rain in fall, An autumnal cliche...work it out
It’s drumbeat painted loud and tall, Its drumbeat peening out the call

In the gloaming, my love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play,
By now you should be ten feet tall. I am glad to have helped you. This is serious crit. Look, you are a romantic and you think romantic thoughts. It is very difficult to think, write, express, describe, convey, impart all at once. I suggest you forget about rhyming.Take this piece and pull out of it the most significant "points" Write about them. Just a few clean, precise lines. Now consider what you are trying to say to your reader, what route will you take to give the reader a scenic trip. Organise your litte groups of lines like way-points. Arrange your work. Now READ it out loud. Does it flow? Does it make you tingle, shiver or exude a tear? It should. All OK? Now, as you read it, PUNCTUATE it. Now post it back in serious crit.
Sincerely, good luck.
Best,
tectak
I’d never have it another way.


Tear it bits, do whatever you please. It'll help me grow.

This is so life-affirming that I feel like it would be irreverent to critique it. I would almost rather just bask in the lovely love.
But, that is not what we do here, so...
as i read this, my inner voice was striving for a particular rhythm. Would you consider reworking the lines to have a more even syllable count? I love the lyrical sound that makes in my head, when the lines are similar in cadence.
Kind of like this:
In empyrean gloaming, Sol retires,
Tender evening softly falls on spires
...I realize that has my voice and I am not suggesting this as a rewrite, just using to of your lines to express my thoughts.

Two....touche.
tectak!

Oh Tektac can i marry you, fuck i forgot i'm already married

[tectak]

In the Gloaming
Prepare to grow.
Joshua, you know how bad this is because you are expecting it to be shredded. Postings like this are not really fair on the critics because you are supposed to do the work before you post. In serious crit we will point out where you are straying from "good practice" or where your poetic technique could be improved. To do this kind of crit on your piece will be slaughter. So be it.

As the yawning sun begins to sleep,
And dancing winds yield not a peep,

I look to gently waving grass at night,
And give a nod to the Earth’s soft might,First the good news. These opening 4 lines, though cheesy and cliche glancing, are just this side of OK. the peep word is not windy...it just is not right for the metaphor... but it rhymes. A poor reason to use it. Think about all the words that end in "eep". Simplistically, go through the alphabet. Keep and leap and sweep and reap and seep and weep....dancing winds don't PEEP!

The soft machines in their mechanizations,No. Stay away from "tion " rhymes. They are ten a penny. That's why rappers love them. Every word you can think of that ends in "tion" ( hmmm) is a french derivation....see. Yoa machination cause constipation and consternation for yoa situation....give me strength in ma salvation. Yikes
Arrive at golden realizations, See. You end up writing garbage because that's
how you began
I look to the stars that are unborn yet, No comma here. Yet is a filler word for a cheap rhyme. They are unborn so they must be unborn yet!
And release the burden of hard regret, This line says nothing fluently

In the gloaming, our Sol retires, Sol? Sol? Where are we? are you too polo to say SUN. We know what Sol is. Why use a Spanish word?
This tender night falls soft on spires, and what is more, the sol went to sleep in stanza one.Remember what you write. This kind of temporal roller-coasting gives me whiplash. You should notice this sort of thing...your poetry needs flow. Just read it through before posting about twenty times until you think it is right.

So as bubbling streams glisten in the dark,
And the nightly blanket befalls this Park, Oh for Pete's sake! If you cannot find a rhyme for dark, change dark. Dreadful. Thank goodnes there wasn't any dew, or you would have us in the zoo. Come to think of it, that's better.

I feel the wondrous nip of chill,
I feel the warmth of human will,

My faith in my lovely fellow Man,
Never waivers, wherever we stand, You have now completely forgotten where you are going, where you have been or where you are. I have lost the will to live. You and I should end it here. The rest of this piece is just fluffy-bear. The loving love line is cringeworthy. Try, please try harder. See end.
I elect next but to feel the wonder,
Of loving love and furied thunder,

The pitter patter of rain in fall, An autumnal cliche...work it out
It’s drumbeat painted loud and tall, Its drumbeat peening out the call

In the gloaming, my love endures,
Caught between the night and day,
The melody of a world at play,
By now you should be ten feet tall. I am glad to have helped you. This is serious crit. Look, you are a romantic and you think romantic thoughts. It is very difficult to think, write, express, describe, convey, impart all at once. I suggest you forget about rhyming.Take this piece and pull out of it the most significant "points" Write about them. Just a few clean, precise lines. Now consider what you are trying to say to your reader, what route will you take to give the reader a scenic trip. Organise your litte groups of lines like way-points. Arrange your work. Now READ it out loud. Does it flow? Does it make you tingle, shiver or exude a tear? It should. All OK? Now, as you read it, PUNCTUATE it. Now post it back in serious crit.
Sincerely, good luck.
Best,
tectak
I’d never have it another way.


Tear it bits, do whatever you please. It'll help me grow.

This is so life-affirming that I feel like it would be irreverent to critique it. I would almost rather just bask in the lovely love.
But, that is not what we do here, so...
as i read this, my inner voice was striving for a particular rhythm. Would you consider reworking the lines to have a more even syllable count? I love the lyrical sound that makes in my head, when the lines are similar in cadence.
Kind of like this:
In empyrean gloaming, Sol retires,
Tender evening softly falls on spires
...I realize that has my voice and I am not suggesting this as a rewrite, just using to of your lines to express my thoughts.

Two....touche.
tectak!

Oh Tektac can i marry you, fuck i forgot i'm already married

Bugger....that's you and leanne off the menu...you don't fancy a quick sh....oh, forget it. I'm married two...er...also.
Best,
tectak