I read your book of longing
That is all it took
Like a fish I'm dying
On a rusty hook
If I can breath I'm trying
Yes I want your look
It seems like I am lying
Stealing from your book

(03-13-2013, 08:10 AM)Jamie Wrote:  I read your book of longing
That is all it took
Like a fish I'm dying
On a rusty hook

I don't mean to hijack your craft here, but I would suggest a change to EITHER "I read your book of longing" OR "Like a fish I'm dying". Just my opinion that when you use a hard 'g' sound(longing) followed by a soft 'y' sound(dying) you lose the strength of your words and rhythm.

I'm sorry I just tried to come up with some suggestions or examples, but I couldn't come up with anything that wasn't awful[/i].


If I can breath I'm trying
Yes I want your look
It seems like I am lying
Stealing from your book

Hey Jamie,

L1, L2, and L8 could be removed and worked into a longer work where you expand on the notion 'book of longing', which I think could be interesting. Right now, though, you plop the image of a fish in the middle, and make those lines work too hard for their payoff. Possibly you're being bound and gagged by the narrow rhyming scheme and short lines?

Mikey.

How about?

(03-13-2013, 08:10 AM)Jamie Wrote:  I read your book of longing
That is all it took
Like a fish I'm dyingLike a bird on a wire
On a rusty hookA worm on a hook
If I can breath I'm trying
Yes I want your look
It seems like I am lying
Stealing from your book

(03-13-2013, 01:58 PM)NakedBear Wrote:  Hey Jamie,

L1, L2, and L8 could be removed and worked into a longer work where you expand on the notion 'book of longing', which I think could be interesting. Right now, though, you plop the image of a fish in the middle, and make those lines work too hard for their payoff. Possibly you're being bound and gagged by the narrow rhyming scheme and short lines?

Mikey.

I agree with NakeBear. Right now, it's hard for me as the reader to understand what you are trying to say. If you add more content that maybe connects your dying similes to the book of longing, I think you could have a powerful finish.

(03-14-2013, 01:19 AM)milemke08 Wrote:  

(03-13-2013, 01:58 PM)NakedBear Wrote:  Hey Jamie,

L1, L2, and L8 could be removed and worked into a longer work where you expand on the notion 'book of longing', which I think could be interesting. Right now, though, you plop the image of a fish in the middle, and make those lines work too hard for their payoff. Possibly you're being bound and gagged by the narrow rhyming scheme and short lines?

Mikey.

I agree with NakeBear. Right now, it's hard for me as the reader to understand what you are trying to say. If you add more content that maybe connects your dying similes to the book of longing, I think you could have a powerful finish.

Hi Jamie,I get this. We are all tempted with a bit of thievery if it is irrestible. NakedBear has offered up some good suggestions. I'm not fond of the fish and would hope a more pleasing visual could be substituted. This line left me cold, "if I can breath I'm trying" mainly because I don't know why it is there or what it represents. All in all,
I love the topic and potential of this poem.
My best,
Heart

I feel as though I should explain.

(03-13-2013, 08:10 AM)Jamie Wrote:  I read your book of longing the "Book of Longing" is Leonard Cohens book of poetry, a master peice that took twenty years of writing.
That is all it took if I hadn't read it I probably wouldn't have started reading or writing poetry.
Like a fish I'm dying I know I'm not very good (dying on my feet)
On a rusty hook but I am hooked
If I can breath I'm trying although I'm rubbish I won't give up trying
Yes I want your look I would love to write like Cohen
It seems like I am lying
Stealing from your book everything that comes into my head is either a cliche or feels as though I've taken it from somewhere, often the Book of Longing

My Suggested replacement lines are Cohen's well known lyrics hence the

The whole thing was a bit of a joke really, not to be taken too seriously, especially with the best line belonging to the master.

There are some nice things about this but I think NakedBear is right, the narrow rhyming scheme and short lines make it difficult to make adjustments.

(03-13-2013, 08:10 AM)Jamie Wrote:  I read your book of longing
That is all it took
Like a fish I'm dying
On a rusty hook
If I can breath I'm trying
Yes I want your look
It seems like I am lying
Stealing from your book

Good story, you were able to get some good descriptions in there in a short stanza that showed us the story. My only critique would be to add more, because I want to know the results and where you were going, because right now I'm interpreting several things and I'm not sure which one you intended haha.