Maddening Fire

[tigrflye]

Edited:
Mundane words of love
You act so proud of
Impale my needy core.

I gobble them up
From my beggar's cup
Offerings to the poor.

Lying cold, on my side,
With goose-pimpled hide,
I expect your frenzied embrace.

Yet it's tepid and weak,
Not the fever I seek,
To flush life in my dull, helpless face.

Dry, half-hearted lust
You implore me to trust
Masks the smirk of a bitter lie.

I crave maddening fire,
To stoke and admire,
Blood-red in a sapphire sky

Original post:
Mundane words of love
You seem so proud of
Impale my needy core.

But I gobble them up
From my beggar's cup
Like offerings to the poor.

Lying cold, on my side,
With goose-pimpled hide,
I expect your frenzied embrace.

Yet it's tepid and weak,
Not the fever I seek,
To flush life in my dull, helpless face.

This dry, half-hearted lust
You implore me to trust
Masks the smirk of a bitter lie.

I crave a maddening fire,
To stoke and admire,
Blood-red in a sapphire sky.

[Leanne]

Hi there and welcome! I really enjoy the meter and rhyme in this, it's always good to read something with this level of control. I do lose it on "this dry, half-hearted lust" as I really have to rush that line to fit it in. The same with "I crave a maddening fire", which could probably be fixed just by taking out "a".

As to the subject matter -- well, I'd say we've all been there . You write the death of passion by deceit quite well.

[tigrflye]

Thank you, Leanne. Any and all comments are welcome. After reading other poetry on this site, sharing my own feels very nerve racking. I do feel like a novice in comparison.
Thank you again for being kind. You should see how many drafts of this poem I have!
I will remove the "a" from "i crave a maddening fire. "
Do you think it would help to just remove "this" from the "dry, half hearted lust" line? I pondered over that line for a long time.

[Leanne]

I'd be tempted to remove "dry" instead actually. That way you keep the same number of beats, even though the syllables are reduced.

---

And don't be nervous. Most people are just happy to receive any kind of feedback that shows their poem has been read and appreciated on some level. If you can read it, you're the kind of person they want to hear from

[billy]

hi tigr, no need to feel nervous i'm already impressed with your willingness to give feedback and join in the spirit of the site :J:
to the poem. i think it would improve with constant meter though it reads fairl well as far as it isn't jerky. you've done a decent job with the rhyme scheme and end rhymes.

after this stage comes divorce a good attempt

Edited:
Mundane words of love
You seem so proud of
Impale my needy core.

But I gobble them up is but needed?
From my beggar's cup
Like offerings to the poor. is like needed?

Lying cold, on my side,
With goose-pimpled hide,
I expect your frenzied embrace.

Yet it's tepid and weak,
Not the fever I seek,
To flush life in my dull, helpless face.

Dry, half-hearted lust
You implore me to trust
Masks the smirk of a bitter lie.

I crave maddening fire,
To stoke and admire,
Blood-red in a sapphire sky

Original post:
Mundane words of love
You seem so proud of
Impale my needy core.

But I gobble them up
From my beggar's cup
Like offerings to the poor.

Lying cold, on my side,
With goose-pimpled hide,
I expect your frenzied embrace.

Yet it's tepid and weak,
Not the fever I seek,
To flush life in my dull, helpless face.

This dry, half-hearted lust
You implore me to trust
Masks the smirk of a bitter lie.

I crave a maddening fire,
To stoke and admire,
Blood-red in a sapphire sky.

[milo]

Edited:
Mundane words of love
You seem so proud of
Impale my needy core.

Words like mundane are not descriptive. Concepts like "mundane words" or words of love are off-putting for readers. Try to use specific descriptions or examples to start so the reader will be drawn in. A good word of thumb is to avoid the word "of" in poetry. If you do find it, check the word that follows. Is it and abstraction? If so, try to rstate the whole concept. Words like "seem" once again, weak. If you can, try to use action verbs to convey concepts, linking verbs tend to be "telly". Don't tell me you have a needy core, try to find some way to demonstrate it so I can relate. Impale is a great verb, but it needs a great noun. Core is just an abstraction and . vague one at that. I would suggest you go through the rest of the poem with some of these thoughts in mind so you can strengthen the language and imagery.

Thanks for posting.
Good luck!