Did it make any difference that I loved her?
Did it change the course of the planets or stars?
If not then I truly must wonder
If love can really bring thunder,
Or was loving her my greatest blunder
Or do I still love her from afar?

Nice bit of philosophising

I think you've got a good opportunity to play with your meter here -- this is what I'd probably do if it was mine:

Quote:Did it make any difference that I loved her?
Did it change the course of planets?
Did it change the course of stars?
If not then I truly must wonder
If love can really bring the thunder --
Was loving her my greatest blunder
Or do I still love her
from afar?

it's one of those poems i and everyone wants to put their own spin on, leanne has some good advice in trying to mend the meter so it works harder for you. i think you could perhaps try out different layouts and pick the best one, i'd personally work on the last two lines as it feel a little bit trite

Clever little read. I agree about sprucing up the meter. Also, I'm struggling with how the last line connects to the rest of the poem... that final sentiment doesn't seem relevant to the rest of the ideas before it. That's just my observation though

@addy....it's sort of an extension of the 'unrequited' thought I was playing with,so 'afar' and 'stars' seem to be connected,at least in my mind-@billy,this little piece threatened to turn itself into a limerick type rhyme and I didn't want that,still, as ever, a work in progress - @ leanne, I'd never pass up an opportunity to play with my meter, but there are ladies on this site and they might object.

(08-18-2012, 12:25 PM)raymond trevitt Wrote:  @ leanne, I'd never pass up an opportunity to play with my meter, but there are ladies on this site and they might object.

Ladies? What vile slander is this? Beat it as you please...

(08-18-2012, 08:55 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Nice bit of philosophising

I think you've got a good opportunity to play with your meter here -- this is what I'd probably do if it was mine:

Quote:Did it make any difference that I loved her?
Did it change the course of planets?
Did it change the course of stars?
If not then I truly must wonder
If love can really bring the thunder --
Was loving her my greatest blunder
Or do I still love her
from afar?

yeah-that works-ok so everyone, this is my new version