My poem

[billy]

pretentious
poetry begins
after festering
for but a few
beautiful seconds
in my mind.

Original

My Poem:


pretentious
poetry begins
at home after festering
for but a few
beautiful seconds
in my mind.

[addy]

Is this sarcastic, or...

It's good for a short piece. i don't think you need "at home", as the added context doesn't really do much to enhance what's already laid out there.

Thanks for the read

[billy]

i think it's a bit of both...
yes, 'at home' is excess baggage, i'll remove it after others have had a chance to reply on it. thanks addy.

[Philatone]

hey billy

i would agree, this is a shortie that could use even less. agree about the "at home", and I would add that you could delete the "for but"

for being so short, i think it's pretty decent. perfectly captures a brief moment in time using a small amount of words

[raymond trevitt]

i think most of my 'poems' fester somewhere, but i like the seeming diametrically opposed thoughts of 'fester' and 'beautiful'. Is 'pretentious' a moment of self doubt? maybe 'at home' might read better 'as thoughts fester but for a few etc etc'. I, too, do not like the use of 'at home' lit does not seem to fit.

[billy]

hey billy

i would agree, this is a shortie that could use even less. agree about the "at home", and I would add that you could delete the "for but"

for being so short, i think it's pretty decent. perfectly captures a brief moment in time using a small amount of words

thanks geoff, i'll do an edit in a few mins,

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i think most of my 'poems' fester somewhere, but i like the seeming diametrically opposed thoughts of 'fester' and 'beautiful'. Is 'pretentious' a moment of self doubt? maybe 'at home' might read better 'as thoughts fester but for a few etc etc'. I, too, do not like the use of 'at home' lit does not seem to fit.

thanks for the input ray. i think many of us have self doubt about everything we do, we even have self doubt about our self doubt

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i thought about cutting the "for but" and decided that that's the type of nasty eye candy poets often use when they're/I'm being pretentious.