Talisman(edit)

[brynmawr1]

that’s a nice watch, I say,
between sips of cabernet, noticing
its wide silver band, how it lays
loose around her left wrist.  Thanks,
she says, twirling it with her right,
feeling the weight.
It’s an old omega, bought
on their honeymoon, it 
had chips in the crystal, needed
the new band.  I remember how
he wore it on 14 hour shifts
in the ER.  If he could do that,
then maybe I can get through
she says
my brother said a woman can’t
wear a watch like this-
 
but she does
and she will
because her father did
and she can.

[TranquillityBase]

that’s a nice watch, I say,
between sips of wine, noticing
its wide silver band, how it lays
loose around her wrist.  Thanks,
it’s an old omega, bought
on their honeymoon, it 
had a chip in the crystal, needed
the new band.  I remember how
he wore it on 14 hour shifts
in the ER.  If he could do that,
then maybe I can get through
she says
a brother said she can’t
wear a men’s watch-
 
but she does
and she will
because her father did
and she can.

Hi Bryn,

I like the way the reader is dropped into the middle of this conversation.  And the mystery of the watch is skillfully held back to the very end.

Two suggestions:

Title might ought to be singular (Talisman)

The line "then maybe I can get through" leaves me wanting to know "get through what?"

TqB

[brynmawr1]

that’s a nice watch, I say,
between sips of wine, noticing
its wide silver band, how it lays
loose around her wrist.  Thanks,
it’s an old omega, bought
on their honeymoon, it 
had a chip in the crystal, needed
the new band.  I remember how
he wore it on 14 hour shifts
in the ER.  If he could do that,
then maybe I can get through
she says
a brother said she can’t
wear a men’s watch-
 
but she does
and she will
because her father did
and she can.

Hi Bryn,

I like the way the reader is dropped into the middle of this conversation.  And the mystery of the watch is skillfully held back to the very end.

Two suggestions:

Title might ought to be singular (Talisman)

The line "then maybe I can get through" leaves me wanting to know "get through what?"

TqB

Hi TqB,
Thanks for your comments.  I went back and forth on the title and I think you are right.  Regarding the ambiguity, I have always found a little ambiguity compelling and I struggle with the balance of also giving the reader something more concrete. I'm not good at making things up so this is an  actual conversation I had with a good friend and it's what was said.  I think what I might do is add more nuance detail of setting and mood.  Try to bring in more poetic elements if I can.  What do you think of the final stanza?
Thanks,
bryn

[TranquillityBase]

 Regarding the ambiguity, I have always found a little ambiguity compelling and I struggle with the balance of also giving the reader something more concrete. I'm not good at making things up so this is an  actual conversation I had with a good friend and it's what was said.  I think what I might do is add more nuance detail of setting and mood.  Try to bring in more poetic elements if I can.  What do you think of the final stanza?
Thanks,
bryn

The ambiguity:  fair enough...that is how people talk, so best to preserve that.

Last stanza worked for me.

[Poetry In Motion]

that’s a nice watch, I say,
between sips of cabernet, noticing
its wide silver band, how it lays
loose around her left wrist.  Thanks,
she says, twirling it with her right,
feeling the weight.
It’s an old omega, bought
on their honeymoon, it 
had chips in the crystal, needed
the new band.  I remember how
he wore it on 14 hour shifts
in the ER.  If he could do that,
then maybe I can get through
she says
my brother said a woman can’t
wear a watch like this-
 
but she does
and she will
because her father did
and she can.

Although I have to say, it is waay too ambiguous. Sure it is fine in some cases but still I just find it too ambiguous. I like the message but another thing:

I think it should be fourteen instead of '14'! Anyway, thanks for sharing here!

[galaxitchi]

I really like your structure, where the line breaks are at. I felt this lovely, poetic tension as I was eager for the next line! I’m a complete amateur, but if I have to pick something to improve, I feel like the second stanza, could have something worked on.

[brynmawr1]

I really like your structure, where the line breaks are at. I felt this lovely, poetic tension as I was eager for the next line! I’m a complete amateur, but if I have to pick something to improve, I feel like the second stanza, could have something worked on.

Thanks for reading.  Any specific suggestions?
bryn

[galaxitchi]

Unfortunately not, I can’t even pinpoint what makes me say that. I’m an amateur and I’m required to attempt constructive critique.?

[TranquillityBase]

Hi again,

Reading that last stanza again, I'm thinking you might could lose the last line, so that "because her father did" becomes the last line.  "she can" is a bit redundant.

TqB

[brynmawr1]

Unfortunately not, I can’t even pinpoint what makes me say that. I’m an amateur and I’m required to attempt constructive critique.?

No worries.  I appreciate any suggestions.  I am new at this too.  Don't be afraid to put your stuff out there.  It is the only way to learn.

---

Hi again,

Reading that last stanza again, I'm thinking you might could lose the last line, so that "because her father did" becomes the last line.  "she can" is a bit redundant.

TqB

Ha! I was surprised that line survived first review.  I left it is cause I like the rhythm of how it reads but I knew its existence was tenuous.  Thanks for coming back for the reread.
Take care,
bryn

[busker]

that’s a nice watch, I say,
between sips of cabernet, noticing
its wide silver band, how it lays
loose around her left wrist.  Thanks,
she says, twirling it with her right,
feeling the weight.
It’s an old omega, bought
on their honeymoon, it 
had chips in the crystal, needed
the new band.  I remember how
he wore it on 14 hour shifts
in the ER.  If he could do that,
then maybe I can get through
she says
my brother said a woman can’t
wear a watch like this-
 
but she does
and she will
because her father did
and she can.

I like the bits of detail - the sitting loose, the wide band, the chips in the crystal. The twirling it with the right hand - a nice little detail.
The reveal at the end is also interesting.
But I agree with TqB that the last line is redundant. I’m not sure about the does / will either - it overdoes the drama, perhaps