The River of Lies

[knicodemus3]

There is a river we swim in,
of life or lies, I do not know
hidden within is a rumored pearl
with supposed powers to stop our growth

As children we float about the surface
while the adults dive into the deep
until suspense wearies us
and our breath we learn to keep

Somewhere in our passing adolescence
we are pulled beneath the waves
the sunlight falls short of the bottoms there
dividing the depth ominous as a cave

Deeper and deeper we trench
till the river bottoms we alight
and amongst the reeds we search
for the tiniest reflection of light

We, the youth, follow the elders here
to learn the ways of a seeker
but not before long the old pass away
and we've now become the teachers

Rocks and branches occasionally pass
to draw us to the surface
but we've long since learned to avoid such "hindrances"
so as not to defer from our purpose

Even so, one comes along
we haven't the strength to evade
as we are hurled toward the light
our time in the dark begins to fade

Among the waves we catch our breath
with time enough to see
the sky, the clouds, the sun, the shore
and the birds perched in the trees

Our eyes trace the river a ways
as it winds down to an end
in the drop-off there the edge deforms
into a thunderous mist

Frantically we turn around
to see children diving in behind us
we must let them know, there is no use
the pearl never could have survived this

Our mouths gape wide to shout in alarm
to say it's not as it seems!
but we are silently overcome by the water
and the search goes on in the river of lost dreams

[billy]

hi knico

the poem is too cliche, and the words don't bring the reader in to the poem.
the tile (a river of lies) is pretty big cliche before the poem starts.
always make it original as possible,
you could cut at least two thirds of the poem without losing anything.

the three stanza or so you'd have left would be ready to edit.

[Magpie]

Hi knicodemus3,
As mentioned in the previous post life as a "river" is a very overused metaphor and it's probably best to stay away from using them. There are a couple of other issues with rhyme and rhythm, but I have noticed that it is your first poem so I'll leave that. And because I only joined 10 days ago I know what it's like to be new, so I would say this, don't take anything as personal criticism, you are in a good place to be to develop your poetry and writing skills. Nobody even commented on my first poem, so you are 2 comments up on me already, but I'm not bitter. honest.
I look forward to reading your next poem soon.
Cheers

[knicodemus3]

billy,

thanks for the notes! which words weren't bringing you into the poem and what effect did they have on you? Which stanzas weren't as important to you? Did you become less focused during those stanzas or what about them didn't engage you?

---

hey ambrosial,

thanks for the advice and the encouragement! what issues with the rhyme or rhythm did you have? which lines are you referring to?

[heslopian]

There is a river we swim in
of life or lies, I do not know Would these two lines make more sense if you put the comma after "in"? I tripped up here, as the sentence clauses are oddly defined.
hidden within, a rumored pearl Would "is" work better than a comma?
with supposed powers to stop our growth Despite my niggles above this is a good verse, sharp and mysterious. I'd question the necessity of "supposed", but it's probably relevant to your meaning.

As children we float about the surface
while the adults dive into the deep
until the suspense grows us weary "Grows us weary" doesn't make sense. How about "wearies us"?
and our breath we learn to keep

Somewhere in our passing adolescence Brilliant line. Soft and melancholy, like afternoon light dappled on leaves.
we are pulled beneath the waves
the sunlight falls short of the bottoms there
dividing the depth ominous as a cave A suggestion I have in mind is that you remove "ominous as a cave" and make "depth" "depths", but that's a personal choice. I wouldn't want to smash a structure you're working on.

Deeper and deeper we trench Can "trench" be used as a verb?
till the river bottoms we alight This line feels very contrivedly constructed, to force a rhyme with "light".
and amongst the reeds we search
for the tiniest reflection of light Great line.

We, the youth, follow the elders here
to learn the ways of a seeker
but not before long the old pass away
and we've now become the teachers So far I'm really enjoying your extended metaphor, where the river is existence (I think) and humans grow in and search it for truth. It's smart and sophisticated.

Rocks and branches occasionally pass Good.
to draw us to the surface
but we've long since learned to avoid such 'hindrances' Why is "hindrances" in inverted commas? That implies, to me, that the characters don't really believe that the rocks and branches are hindrances.
so as not to defer from our purpose

Even so, one comes along
we cannot muster to evade "Muster to evade"? Muster what?
as we are hurled toward the light
our time in the dark begins to fade

Among the waves we catch our breath
with time enough to see
the sky, the clouds, the sun, the shore
and the birds perched in the trees There's something primeval about this verse, like when man first crawled onto dry land.

Our eyes trace the river a ways
as it winds down to an end
in the drop-off there the edge deforms
into a thunderous mist

Frantically we turn around
to see children diving in behind us
we must let them know, there is no use
the pearl never could have survived this Survived what? Also, going back to a previous verse, who must they evade?

Our mouths gape wide to shout in alarm
to say its not as it seems! "Its" should an apostrophe before the "s", as it's an abbreviation of "it is".
but we are silently overcome by the water
and the search goes on in the river of lost dreams

There's a lot of really good lines here, and a primitive atmosphere that's romantic and seductive, but what would really make this poem shine is clarity. The narrative becomes vague and falls apart in the latter half. JMHO, of course. Thanks for the read

[knicodemus3]

Hey Heslopian, thank you for your comments. I have taken a lot of your advice. I had a couple questions. First, I was thinking of replacing S3 L4 with "as if we were journeying into a grave," thoughts? Second, there seems to be a miscommunication that happens in stanzas 9 and 10. I was trying to describe the characters realizing there is a waterfall up ahead (S9) and that ultimately leads them to conclude the pearl probably fell off the waterfall as well (S10). Is that poorly communicated at the end of the poem? Also, I would appreciate your general opinion on this: I was trying to show that the characters were initially living life above the water but in order to survive longer they gave up the livelihood around them and searched the river for a mythical pearl. The rocks and branches are suppose to be God's attempts at drawing the characters back to the surface where the point of life really is but instead the people view them as "hindrances." Then at the end I was trying to show that the river was actually evil and its intent was to have people search it for a pearl their whole life so that they could be thrown over the waterfall unknowingly. Is that inferable from the way the poem is written currently? Sorry for the many questions but thank you for your help!