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I need your story,
minute as a wish on a star.
Did you run through blowing
wheat fields, your yellow hair flying?
Your secrets behind the blue -
Give them to me.
I am swallowed up longing.
When you fall, I form a scar.
I will read to you of love and lust,
the intensity of life.
Have I come too late?
Petals closing in darkness?
Stay, lest I fade away.
This makes me think of the The Little Prince. I read it a few times, without thinking of that. I wanted more to it. Not to seem so pieced together. Then my personal associations took me to The Little Prince, because I've liked that book so long. That happens.
The sentiment is only mildly bleeding through. I just think it needs something more. Unless it's about The Little Prince.
I think a few more lines will open it up.
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(05-03-2013, 09:01 AM)rowens Wrote: This makes me think of the The Little Prince. I read it a few times, without thinking of that. I wanted more to it. Not to seem so pieced together. Then my personal associations took me to The Little Prince, because I've liked that book so long. That happens.
The sentiment is only mildly bleeding through. I just think it needs something more. Unless it's about The Little Prince.
I think a few more lines will open it up.
rowens, thank you so much for reading and the suggestion. I will work on this with your comment in mind.
My best,
Heart
A little more atmospheric description may do. I'm a sucker for wheat fields under the stars.
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(05-03-2013, 09:09 AM)rowens Wrote: A little more atmospheric description may do. I'm a sucker for wheat fields under the stars.
Me too! Perhaps for interest sake, I can add a little more to the body of this, thanks again.
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Hi Heart,
I've read this on several occasions today, and hoping that something more constructive would come to me to be able to say to you. Sadly I have not thought of anything extra to say. I don't think that I am quite getting it and that may be more to do with me and my reading of it.
I like the imagery and also the phrasing in the second stanza.
Unlike rowens with "The Little Prince" I was reminded of a Woody Guthrie song but only because the song has the line "and the wheat fields rolling" in it, and I been singing that dam song in my head all day, but that's not your fault.
I look forward to reading it again if you are going to add to it, sorry I couldn't of been more help, I'm still new to this world of poetry and 'learning on the job' as it were.
Thanks.
wae aye man ye radgie
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very fine stuff!
hugs
roby
