Poem LVIII

[YaMarVa]

From a collection of poems I've been working on, my first attempts at poetry as an untrained writer.

LVIII

Solomon! Speak your words

Of yesteryear’s wisdom

No more. We will scribe

and Sing the proverbs of our own,

Deferring to your honor no longer.

The seeds of Nature will now freely speak their own voice;

You will not humble their opinions or

Alter over the whole of creation no longer. The purity of

That role, the wise ruler, will exalt in the

Hands of nature alone, not his person’s own.

[rowens]

The heightened language makes sense with the subject, but it doesn't come through too well.

Solomon! Speak your words

Of yesteryear’s wisdom

No more. We will scribe

and Sing the proverbs of our own,

Deferring to your honor no longer.

The seeds of Nature will now freely speak their own voice;

You will not humble their opinions or

Alter over the whole of creation no longer. The purity of

There's a double negative that might be smoothed out if you change or to and, if you want to keep the no.



That role, the wise ruler, will exalt in the

Hands of nature alone, not his person’s own.

The odd usage and wording in some parts kind of make sense if you think hard about them. But beneath it all, the message is very simple; which can either be a good or bad thing. Generally, I don't think it'll be very effective.

[YaMarVa]

Please elaborate if you will as I am seeking honest review. At what points do you find the “odd usage and wording”? I do not want to assume for myself.

I see the double negative, not intended. And agree with the heightened language.

I guess my poetry matches life, simple and short of meaning. I will reconsider this.

Thanks.

[chaizoe]

I really like this poem! It gets the message across well. I like the religious tone.

Why did you choose to use future tense instead of present? I'm just curious.

The way you broke up the lines is interesting. Like

Of yesterday's wisdom

No more.

It misleads you at first which I like, but I'm also very new at poetry.

[YaMarVa]

I really like this poem! It gets the message across well. I like the religious tone.

Why did you choose to use future tense instead of present? I'm just curious.

The way you broke up the lines is interesting. Like

Of yesterday's wisdom

No more.

It misleads you at first which I like, but I'm also very new at poetry.

Thanks for the review.

I wrote it in the current tense, or future tense, because Solomon's message (of a wise ruler in control of nature) is still being taught and practiced.