The Stream

[billy]

Behind the willow's curtain,
tremulously I watched
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seduced by summer winds;
their pliable hands pressing against your outline
thrilled me, and I held you
through light-dappled leaves.

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun,
you stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I hid inside tree trunk's shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing called
my brother's name.

---

2nd edit. i changed the end to add some pathos tried to fix the grammar and punctuation thanks to the help of all who left feedback

The Stream
Behind the willow's curtain,
tremulously i watched
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seduced by summer's wind
it's pliable hands pressing.
Your outline thrilled me,
and I held you through light-dappled leaves.

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun.
You stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I returned behind tree trunks shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name.

---

and edit based on some of the feedback so far. thanks for the suggestions and replies.

original

the stream


Behind the willow tree's curtain;
I watched and trembled
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seducing the summer wind
whose hands pressed into you.
The outline enthralled me,
and I hugged you through light-dappled leaves.

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the green bank,
mirrored eddies in the water.

With arms outstretched
to catch the distant sun.
You stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I hugged the rough of the tree so tight,
no subtle thought had room to breathe.
Closer you came
then splash! And splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name.

---

this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

[tectak]

---

this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

---

Behind the willow tree's curtain;Comma here billy. The two clauses are inextricably linked but in need of a common factor..."I". Nice opener. Pull me in.
I watched and trembled
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.Clever statement of an assumption...I will take your word for it.

You stood at water’s edge,
seducing the summer windMaybe "seduced by sensual summer's wind
whose hands pressed into you.ethereal hands, pressed in to you.
The outline enthralled me,Your outlined form enthralled me so
and I hugged you through light-dappled leaves. " I hugged you through light-dappled leaves. Slight double-meaning. no one will notice and if they do, well, it was deliberate

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the green bank,
mirrored eddies in the water."mirroring eddies in the water." You could have extended this theme, methinks.

With arms outstretchedAn unneccesary cliche though with a soft landing. I have sung this before. "With hands outstretched he asked the folk for pity, and it made me sad to hear him say...." from "Will the Angels play their Harps"
to catch the distant sun.Comma for sure here."distant sun" is a let down. Is this the distant sun that is 93,000,000 miles away or another one?
You stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped the curve of your calf.Big disconnect. The "cool" is good enough for water but is further away than the lapping permits. This may take some rewriting. I cannot see a instant solution but "cool lapping her calf" just doesn't ring.Maybe the "You stepped in to the silvered course; 'til languid liquid lapped your calfs (or limbs,or legs,or thighs) ". Shit, milo will string me up for that! Ignore me, I cannot take the crit! Anyway, it's your poem

I hugged the rough of the tree so tight,
no subtle thought had room to breathe.
Closer you came
then splash! And splash again.then splash and splash, again! There is enough onomatopoeia in "splash" without needing to add the exclamation mark.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name. This is a bit like Saturday Morning at Wet'n'Wild. Too much with the splashing, especially whilst sitting

---

this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

Hi billy,
This is nice cameo but the texture tends to vary a little too much. Some nicely horripilatory bits but then you stick in the almost cold "curve of your calf" in the way you would a describe "loin of pork". It is made a little worse because I can hear your nymphette splashing away and calling "Biiii....leeee, Biii....leeee" My suggestions are just that. Suggestions. I get the picture...Monet got there first, but what the hell...painting with paint is easy. Words take some work.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

thanks for the feedback tom, will work on it later or tomorrow to see if i can do something with it

[milo]

Behind the willow tree's curtain; I would trim "tree's" here, we all know willows are trees.

I watched and trembled "Watched AND trembled"? too Penthouse forum, maybe just watch, maybe something even better.

as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seducing the summer wind this line is good
whose hands pressed into you. this line feels wordy and inefficient
The outline enthralled me, yah, I figured it might, maybe find a way to say it poetically?

and I hugged you through light-dappled leaves. "hugged" is weak, the rest is good.

A twirl, a swirl; Trim the first line and give me a specific dance (you waltzed on the green bank, also, is there a type of green that could seve as a double entendre and really bring it to life, moss green or , really, anything other than moss green)

you danced on the green bank,
mirrored eddies in the water. this line doesn't grammatically tie properly

With arms outstretched meh, these 2 lines feel trite
to catch the distant sun.
You stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped the curve of your calf. I saw someone complain about curve of your calf, I don't agree, I think it is fine.

I hugged the rough of the tree so tight, trim "so tight", also, why all the hugging? aren't there thesauruses where you are from?

no subtle thought had room to breathe. "subtle" feels like the wrong word here.
Closer you came much strength in the force have you
then splash! And splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach this is a nice line
and splashing, called my name.

---

this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

there is a lot here, billy, I think you may want to reconsider some fo the lines in a way to make each as strong as it can be.

good luck.

milo

[billy]

food for thought, thanks milo.

[billy]

thanks guys, i eventually got to do an edit based on a few of the comments put forward.

[syntheticsunset]

I see two tiny typos: I think you meant "its pliable hands" and "tree trunk's shade".

Interesting that you use so many possessives (willow's, water's, summer's, trunk's, blades of the bank, curve of your calf, etc.). I think that's rather fitting in a poem about voyeurism.

The action is a bit slow, and I wish the surprise at the ending were stronger, but there are several bits I like a lot.

The Stream

Behind the willow's curtain, I'm glad you dropped the word "tree". This is much tighter.
tremulously i watched
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught. Love this!

You stood at water’s edge,
seduced by summer's wind
it's pliable hands pressing.
Your outline thrilled me,
and I held you through light-dappled leaves. I like "held" much better than "hugged" here.

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water. Nice image

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun. This is a sentence fragment. Perhaps a comma would work better than a period?
You stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I returned behind tree trunks shade, "I returned behind" feels a little pedestrian.
no screaming thought had room to breathe. Nice sensation of struggling to hold one's breath despite a racing heart!
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name. This is unexpected, but I feel like it's also a bit of a let down. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong, but the scene feels lighthearted, as if she knew you were there the whole time, and the stakes of being caught were never very high.

[billy]

thanks for the in depth read and crit. my punctuation is a weak point

i agree with most, if not all of what you say. will give it a go over tomorrow. i did mean it to show that she really knew i was there but i didn't know she knew, i accept the pov you make about it feeling weak and will see if i can make the ending a bit strong.

I see two tiny typos: I think you meant "its pliable hands" and "tree trunk's shade".

Interesting that you use so many possessives (willow's, water's, summer's, trunk's, blades of the bank, curve of your calf, etc.). I think that's rather fitting in a poem about voyeurism.

The action is a bit slow, and I wish the surprise at the ending were stronger, but there are several bits I like a lot.

---

thanks for the in depth read and crit. my punctuation is a weak point

i agree with most, if not all of what you say. will give it a go over tomorrow. i did mean it to show that she really knew i was there but i didn't know she knew, i accept the pov you make about it feeling weak and will see if i can make the ending a bit strong.

I see two tiny typos: I think you meant "its pliable hands" and "tree trunk's shade".

Interesting that you use so many possessives (willow's, water's, summer's, trunk's, blades of the bank, curve of your calf, etc.). I think that's rather fitting in a poem about voyeurism.

The action is a bit slow, and I wish the surprise at the ending were stronger, but there are several bits I like a lot.

[Brownlie]

I’ll do my best to give you good feedback but I’m fairly new at this

The Stream
Behind the willow's curtain, Good sensory detail with the willow
tremulously i watched Obviously, capitalize I unless your going for an e.e. Cummings sort of deal. A verb may be more powerful than an adverb here
as all voyeurs must, Hmm…
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge, Who is the you?
seduced by summer's wind Good consonance here but also somewhat lacking
it's pliable hands pressing. It’s? what is it?
Your outline thrilled me, Thrilled is weak maybe give a more concrete action
and I held you through light-dappled leaves. Light-dappled leaves is a good image

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank, Are you talking about the river or a lover?
mirroring eddies in the water. Interesting comparison

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun.
You stepped through the silvered surface More consonance
till it lapped the curve of your calf. Specific detail

I returned behind tree trunks shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe. Somewhat abstract
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach Good move coming back to the beginning image
and splashing, called my name.

---

What is the purpose of this poem? You have presented some compelling images, but I do not know what the intent behind this poem is. Good luck and hopefully my comments are not redundant

[Keith]

The frame you show us is almost film like and I'm running down the bank stripping as I run to join her, nice edit, very visual poem one minor comment below. TOMH


The Stream
Behind the willow's curtain,
tremulously i watched
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seduced by summer's wind why wind? I was all hot and sticky needing to strip and bathe the wind spoiled it because I wanted heat.
it's pliable hands pressing.
Your outline thrilled me,
and I held you through light-dappled leaves. great line

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun.
You stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I returned behind tree trunks shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name.

[billy]

thanks for the further feedback guys, will have a go at of the suggestions later.

---

you did all right

I’ll do my best to give you good feedback but I’m fairly new at this

The Stream
Behind the willow's curtain, Good sensory detail with the willow
tremulously i watched Obviously, capitalize I unless your going for an e.e. Cummings sort of deal. A verb may be more powerful than an adverb here
as all voyeurs must, Hmm…
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge, Who is the you?
seduced by summer's wind Good consonance here but also somewhat lacking
it's pliable hands pressing. It’s? what is it?
Your outline thrilled me, Thrilled is weak maybe give a more concrete action
and I held you through light-dappled leaves. Light-dappled leaves is a good image

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank, Are you talking about the river or a lover?
mirroring eddies in the water. Interesting comparison

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun.
You stepped through the silvered surface More consonance
till it lapped the curve of your calf. Specific detail

I returned behind tree trunks shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe. Somewhat abstract
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach Good move coming back to the beginning image
and splashing, called my name.

---

What is the purpose of this poem? You have presented some compelling images, but I do not know what the intent behind this poem is. Good luck and hopefully my comments are not redundant

even if something has been said already, when two or more same the same thing, it can add weight to something be wrong or right.

i think the intent was to show shyness through voyeurism not being a bad thing and often being seen as flattery, (in cases like this) the vision ended up with a young boy and an older or more worldly-wise girl knowing she was being secretly admired and liking it. all that said, i don't really think i had any intent at all, when such a question's asked, we give an intent when we don't actually have or had one. i often start a poem with some intent but it always slips away from any intent it started out with, specially after successive edits. i sort of hoped the poem stood on it's own two feet and took intent from the readers character.

[billy]

another edit done, thanks for the feedback already given.

[tectak]

Behind the willow's curtain,
tremulously I watched
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seduced by summer winds;
their pliable hands pressing against your outline
thrilled me, and I held you
through light-dappled leaves.

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun,
you stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I hid inside tree trunk's shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing called
my brother's name.

---

2nd edit. i changed the end to add some pathos tried to fix the grammar and punctuation thanks to the help of all who left feedback

The Stream
Behind the willow's curtain,
tremulously i watched
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seduced by summer's wind
it's pliable hands pressing.
Your outline thrilled me,
and I held you through light-dappled leaves.

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.

With arms outstretched
to catch the cooling sun.
You stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I returned behind tree trunks shade,
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name.

---

and edit based on some of the feedback so far. thanks for the suggestions and replies.

original

the stream


Behind the willow tree's curtain;
I watched and trembled
as all voyeurs must,
wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,
seducing the summer wind
whose hands pressed into you.
The outline enthralled me,
and I hugged you through light-dappled leaves.

A twirl, a swirl;
you danced on the green bank,
mirrored eddies in the water.

With arms outstretched
to catch the distant sun.
You stepped into the silvered cool
till it lapped the curve of your calf.

I hugged the rough of the tree so tight,
no subtle thought had room to breathe.
Closer you came
then splash! And splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing, called my name.

---

this is a major edit of an older poem i wrote way back.

On the money,billy. Glad to see it in some new clothes. Not sure you needed the brother bit or the last splahing, but still, good form.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

Damn this formatting tried to get the bold thing right I'm used to using word

Behind the willow's curtain, -I almost think you could rename this poem Behind the Willow's curtain I would consider describing the willow and the actions of the narrator in more depth. Perhaps do this in a way that sounds like common parlance or even using blank verse like Robert Frost.
[b]tremulously I watched
as all voyeurs must,--[/b]I would consider removing the words about voyeurs the reader should be able to infer that the narrator is acting as a vouyer. Maybe even getting rid of the line as all voyeurs must would strengthen the poem.
[b]wanting to be caught.

You stood at water’s edge,-- Maybe give some more details about how she looked at the water's edge
seduced by summer winds;-- Does this alliteration go with the overall tone of the piece? Not sure myself
their pliable hands pressing against your outline
thrilled me, and I held you-- I would get rid of thrilled me
through light-dappled leaves.--Good way to describe the leaves of a willow

A twirl, a swirl;-- I would get rid of this line
you danced on the blades of the bank,
mirroring eddies in the water.-- This is good detail

With arms outstretched-- Maybe consider playing with the syntax to convey a more natural pattern of speech
to catch the cooling sun, --
you stepped through the silvered surface
till it lapped the curve of your calf.
I hid inside tree trunk's shade, -- I hid inside the shade of the tree trunk?
no screaming thought had room to breathe.
Closer, ever closer,
then splash, and splash again.
You sat within the willow's reach
and splashing called
my brother's name.

---

--- I may have poor taste but these last lines seemed to come together more effectively. Don't know why you are bringing up your brother though. It seems as if there is a missing part of the narrative. Perhaps you have included enough information for the reader and I may have missed it.

All in all the poem reminded me of Robert Frost so I listened to Birches and then read over your poem. It could be just the image of a tree that led to my association. I don't think this poem is finished. [/b]


[

[billy]

they never are (finished ) thanks for the feedback i'll do another edit ion a month or so just highlight each comment you make separately