Mary's Last Line

[poeticdancer]

She stood eyes closed
and smelled mothballs.
Spirits of false lives
lingered with whispers
that echoed in rows
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
road-kill against
the plush red carpet,
and the swivel sound
of heavy velvet retreats
into the wings.

Characters wilted
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped by
unnoticed.

[billy]

there's the making of a decent poem here, all it needs is a bit of love and attention edit-wise at present it feels a little flat but i don't think it would take a lot to make it a well rounded poem. it almost capture the emptiness of the theatre and the nostalgia of the actress. i do wonder who the 'mary' is. it leaves good thoughts in my head. thanks for the read.

She stood eyes closed
and smelled mothballs. a suggestion would be to make it more. ie, remove the 'and and add something like 'rising damp', smelled mothballs and rising damp
Spirits of false lives i get this represents actors who have graced the stage and possibly died. if so, say it as it is; spirits of old Thespians...or something that floats a little higher off the page.
lingered with whispers
that echoed in rows in 'empty rows' which would mean losing the next line.
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
road-kill against road kill feels like the wrong metaphor but i like the idea.
the plush red carpet, is 'the' needed?
and the swivel sound
of heavy velvet retreats
into the wings.

Characters wilted
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped by maybe 'that' after lines.
unnoticed. the line feels redundant

[tectak]

Hello poetic, and welcome. You go boldly. My line by line will therefore have less impact!
She stood eyes closed>She stood, eyes closed, and smelled mothballs.
and smelled mothballs.
Spirits of false lives
lingered with whispers
that echoed in rows
of empty seats.> Very,very nice observation. I feel this, as much as you obviously do. Well communicated.

Popcorn crushed,
road-kill against
the plush red carpet,>extravagant metaphor. Road kill is overkill. This line is overconfident. You are still gleefull over the success of the opening night!
and the swivel sound
of heavy velvet retreats
into the wings.> I do not relate to a swivel sound anymore than I do to a paper-weight sound. Both are inanimate. Swishing sound? Difficult to get right but you got it wrong methinks. All is opinion.
Characters wilted
as halogen lights flickered.>Drop the conditional "as", use comma after "wilted", then see below.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped by
unnoticed.>Perhaps "as" instead of "for"?

Nice cameo, good imagery and imagination, well observed and communicated. It is a short piece but packed as Persig's Pistons. This is one of those all too rare pieces that benefits from its own form. You got away with the enjambment in the last line because it was THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Well done.
Best,
tectak

[poeticdancer]

Thank you all for your feedback. After reading it I have adjusted some of the lines. How is this?

She stood eyes closed.
Dank mothballs
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.

Characters wilted
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped
unnoticed.

[tectak]

Thank you all for your feedback. After reading it I have adjusted some of the lines. How is this?

[/b]She stood eyes closed.You still need a comma after stood
Dank mothballs No. Original better. The smell of mothballs lingers...not the mothballs!
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,Careful. Unusual word use. "Embedded in plush red carpet" is more correct. You have almost said that the carpet is in the popcorn
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.Yes

Characters wilted Tense switching is becoming noticeable . The culprit is the "retreats" (present) in the previous stanza conflicting with " wilted" (past) as in the rest of the piece
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped
unnoticed. Better. Yes, certainly better

[poeticdancer]

Thank you all for your feedback. After reading it I have adjusted some of the lines. How is this?

[/b]She stood eyes closed.You still need a comma after stood
Dank mothballs No. Original better. The smell of mothballs lingers...not the mothballs!
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,Careful. Unusual word use. "Embedded in plush red carpet" is more correct. You have almost said that the carpet is in the popcorn
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.Yes

Characters wilted Tense switching is becoming noticeable . The culprit is the "retreats" (present) in the previous stanza conflicting with " wilted" (past) as in the rest of the piece
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped
unnoticed. Better. Yes, certainly better

Hi tectak and thank you for noticing the tense switch. I think it was intended, actually. At present, the theater is empty and the characters the girl played were gone long before this moment. Maybe "wilted" is a bad word. I will think on it some more. You are right on stanza, I will keep trying . I agree with using embedding being unusual, I was trying to avoid using 'in' since i took it out of stanza one, but maybe it belongs there (instead of stanza one!).

[tectak]

Thank you all for your feedback. After reading it I have adjusted some of the lines. How is this?

[/b]She stood eyes closed.You still need a comma after stood
Dank mothballs No. Original better. The smell of mothballs lingers...not the mothballs!
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,Careful. Unusual word use. "Embedded in plush red carpet" is more correct. You have almost said that the carpet is in the popcorn
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.Yes

Characters wilted Tense switching is becoming noticeable . The culprit is the "retreats" (present) in the previous stanza conflicting with " wilted" (past) as in the rest of the piece
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped
unnoticed. Better. Yes, certainly better

Hi tectak and thank you for noticing the tense switch. I think it was intended, actually If you ever think something was intended, actually, it invariably was not. At present, the theater is empty and the characters the girl played were gone long before this moment. Maybe "wilted" is a bad word. nothing wrong with the word. Change retreats to retreated. You have no meter to constrain the line I will think on it some more. You are right on stanza, I will keep trying . I agree with using embedding being unusual, I was trying to avoid using 'in' since i took it out of stanza one, but maybe it belongs there (instead of stanza one!).

This piece is getting better. Keep going. The more it improves the better it gets
Best,
tectak

[Todd]

Hi PD,

I scanned the thread and almost missed the revision. It's generally a good idea to post revisions by editing the first post and placing them above the original

Revision
...
....


Original

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To the poem:

She stood eyes closed.--Good way to show she's remembering the past, or reliving it in her mind.
Dank mothballs----I really think this needs "The smell of" as a lead in. It feels too abrupt as it is
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows--echoed is a nice way to show the emptiness of the theater, and the fact that she's reliving a moment
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,--While roadkill in the original was pushing it a bit far with the imagery. I think you still want something here to lift this above flat description. I also would prefer embedded to embedding.
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.--retreats doesn't feel like the right word here to use with waves of heavy velvet (which I like by the way). It just feels like there would be a better verb choice, and a better prepositional phrase to end on.

Characters wilted--Characters feels too flat. It may be better to name the a few of the roles and show them die beneath the lights
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat--I don't like this line. It pulls you out of the moment
for last lines slipped
unnoticed.

[poeticdancer]

Thanks todd, and others, I will work on it some more and port any revisions at the top.