Brain Wash

[eli]

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”

no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life

[tectak]

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”

no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life

hi eli,
I am unable to tell you if this piece is better than your previous postings as you have forgotten to punctuate the thing. Frankly, it is an insult to those who would try to help you. Without labouring the point, I would refer you to posting rules. Poetry posted in serious should be free of basic errors. Free...not Full.
Best,
tectak

---

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)

blaring car hornshow?
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracksbound
obscuring my senseswhy?

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistentwhy capital? Is it....er....god?
from the hierarchical stagenonsense use of word you do not understand or have not had the courtesy to check
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power” Oh please tell me we are not in another bloody video game.

no more blinding horns
to take my sightWhat is a blinding horn? Is it akin to a loud torch?
now I awake with law
binding only lifecomplete gobbledygook. Read what you write. Please.

[eli]

I know what hierarchical means and if you look for the meaning in the poem it makes sense. Perhaps specifically it's not the best word, but the definition works. Also, in poetry you don't have to have correct punctuation everywhere.

And I figured by at least naming the poem what I did you'd be able to make out what it means. Mind control of the masses, putting people in submission to a ruler's power...

I know the incorrect punctuation everywhere is annoying and I'll fix that, but I just thought that I had some creative liscence to do what I did.

[tectak]

I know what hierarchical means and if you look for the meaning in the poem it makes sense. Perhaps specifically it's not the best word, but the definition works. Also, in poetry you don't have to have correct punctuation everywhere.

And I figured by at least naming the poem what I did you'd be able to make out what it means. Mind control of the masses, putting people in submission to a ruler's power...

I know the incorrect punctuation everywhere is annoying and I'll fix that, but I just thought that I had some creative liscence to do what I did.

No eli, you do not have to have correct punctuation everywhere, but you do need it somewhere. You do not display enough competency to convince this reader that you are writing with licence ( let alone "liscence". See what I mean?) rather than ignorance. By your own words you are damned. If a word is "specifically not the best word" then you imply you took some time and care to ensure that you used a word that was unsuitable. Serious crit expects you to take time and care to ensure that the word used is "specifically the best word".
Please do not look upon this crit as destructive. The usual enjoinder is to say that you are probably a very nice chap and that this crit is of the poetry. You may, if course, be a nasty piece of work....but the crit would be the same. Take some comfort in that. By the way, titles DO help to inform the reader...but that task should be better performed by the poem.
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Brain Wash (not sure about the title) the title is too obvious, prosaic and telly.

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so

I appreciate the license with horns blinding but due to the sheer logic fallacy the image falls apart, horns DON'T blind, they deafen.

I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would

you believe a train feels the rush of monumental sounds? I believe trains feel nothing. Maybe a person on a train? Is your narrator feeling LIKE a train maybe? No idea . . .

as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses

according to this sentence, your narrator is actually bound(ed) to train tracks? and now something is obscuring the other senses of this already blind(deaf) person? this is just becoming laughably ludicrous at this point.

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low

ok, how did you ever get unbound(ed) from those train track with the train rushing at you with its blinding(deafening) horns?

consoling music hums
sweeping my thought

"consoling music hums sweeping my thought"? This sentence is composed of English words, yet not an English sentence is it.

a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”

was the speaker not persistent before? when was that? i don't even remember a speaker before



no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life

binding /only/ life as opposed to binding life and small furry creatures? the word is "wake" btw, not "awake"

sadly, the writing is not strong wnough for the serious critique forum, it needs a complete rethinking of every word, every line break, every period, every thought, pause and image before even credibly evoking "Clockwork Orange"

Take some time and good luck with it.

milo

"Believe in me, I have the power
of a patriarchal sage."
says the speaker of the hour.
"Believe in me!" I have the power
to turn the telly off and shower.
Don't live in someone else's cage.
Believe in me. I have the power
of a patriarchal sage.

[rowens]

You seem unsure of what you're writing. Maybe if you think about it more. Are people brainwashed? Why do you believe that? How does it affect you, or anyone? And what does anyone gain from you writing about it?

[crow]

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)
--get sure. the title is often crucial to the meaning of a poem, and it's rarely irrelevant. being unsure of a title equates to the rest of the poem being unleavened.

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
--nice. I'm immediately in the setting, and I'm immediately having to grapple with a strange idea.
--that said, both "blaring" and "my eyes" are redundant. Test the immediacy of "blinding car horns," to see if you agree.

I only feel the rush
--there's no question that "only" is misplaced. You want "I feel only the rush"

of a monumental sound
--"monumental" is, to quote Bernstein, an "atomic flyswatter." Like "awesome" or "terrific," it just means "very very." Reading a poem, I search for more meaning, and "monumental" means something like "worthy of a statue." That's not what you mean, I don't think

like a train would
--trains don't search for sound

as I'm bounded to the tracks
--"bounded" means "jumped"

obscuring my senses
--the cause if the action "obscuring" is, itself, obscure

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
--dimmed is redundant with "low"

consoling music hums
--music and hums are somewhat redundant

sweeping my thought
--"sweeping," as used here, would mean "completely occupying"

a Speaker now persistent
--why the cap?
from the hierarchical stage
--I'm fine w hierarchical, but stage is a new idea--are we in a theater?
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”
--the material in quotes is orphaned. That is, I can't id the speaker

no more blinding horns
--see! This is the direct, immediate phrasing

to take my sight
--redundant with "blinding"

now I awake with law
--awake doesn't follow from blinding

binding only life
--this doesn't follow from what precedes it

---

Macro. So here's what I think happened, and why I think you should keep going w this. You have several ideas going on at once:

1. The immediate and bewildering sensory experience of a car crash and an arrest,
2. Notions of authority and the role of an individual in society, and
3. The immediate cognitive experience of grappling with the irrevocable .

All of those ideas work, but they're mashed up. Make each legible and then spit the poem again, is what I think.

[RSaba]

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Since many have mentioned that this piece is inconsistent in its grammar/punctuation style, I'm going to continue along that line and show you where some of these inconsistencies are.

Brain Wash (not sure about the title) How about Brain Washed?

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses
Alright, so in this stanza you have established one style: no punctuation, but still full sentences and capitalizing I. That is a legitimate style. However, it makes this feel halted and disconnected, and I think that these thoughts need to be in full and proper format to really be read as they are presented. I also corrected/edited a few minor things (in italics).This is what that would look like:

Blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound, (not sure about "monumental," it doesn't really say much).
as a train would
as I am bound to the tracks,
obscuring my senses. (I would prefer "my senses obscured" here, but that's your call).

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”
This is where the inconsistency became apparent: with the lines in quotation marks, and the capitalization of "Speaker." Those two parts are just plain awkward. Revised:

I sit with an audience
under dim lighting.
Consoling music hums,
sweeping my thoughts.
A persistent speaker
from the hierarchical stage (I'm sorry, but- "hierarchical?" Makes zero sense)
cries out,
“We are united. Believe
in me, I have the power.”

no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life
No more blinding horns (how are horns blinding? Maybe lights?)
to take away my sight.
Now I wake with law
binding only life. (this last sentence makes zero sense, so you'll have to fix that yourself. You have the right idea structurally though).

I know that this is a lot. But I think you'll find that if you clean the poem up as such, then you'll be able to look at the writing itself more critically. Good luck!

[crow]

--RSaba,

Great work here. These incisive edits make me hope you stick around for a while!

[RSaba]

--RSaba,

Great work here. These incisive edits make me hope you stick around for a while!

Thanks crow! Can't get rid of me now.

[AnywherebutHere]

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)

blaring car horns This first line is already confusing me as blaring car horns are "blinding you", how so? perhaps you can try to get more creative and let the reader visually see the car horns, instead of trying to imagine what car horns visually would look like
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought Now I am more confused as you jump from this imagery of car horns to sitting on stage, and now there is music. So you see the car horns, but you are hearing the music, it just doesn't click
a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power” Persistent is not a word I would use there, I wish I could give you one but I am confused as to what you are trying to say

no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life I still do not understand why blinding horns are taking your sight, or how that is possible. The last line also makes no sense to me. Maybe I am missing the big picture.

I feel as though poetry can be many things, but it is vital that a poem either draws pictures with words to create feelings, or tells a story. This does neither for me. I think you can do much better with your descriptions, and making it all flow together so I can understand what it is you are trying to say, because I have no clue.

[Caleb Murdock]

"Mind control of the masses, putting people in submission to a ruler's power" -- that's the meaning of the poem according to your second post, but I don't find that in the poem. Basically, you aren't giving the reader enough information to see the meaning.

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so (how do horns "blind" you, unless you mean the blindness of not being able to understand?)
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracks (now you are bound to tracks, huh? cars, trains -- where are you?)
obscuring my senses

I sit with an audience (now you are in an auditorium)
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power” (you suggest in this stanza that the speaker is mesmerizing -- but is that brain-washing?)

no more blinding horns
to take my sight (now you are outside amid horns again)
now I awake with law (now we find out it was a dream -- how does that fit in with the rest of the poem?)
binding only life

Too much is going on in this poem without adequate explanation being given. The poem isn't comprehensible. I'm guessing that you are young (I haven't looked at your bio) and that you are expecting other people to have the same thought-processes that you do (a common assumption of the young), but that isn't true.