Beneath the Surface

[Glittercake]

This is a poem about a girl I knew who committed suicide
I didn't go to her school if I had I would've done something more than write a poem. Hope you like it.


Beneath the surface
There is pain
Disturbing the water
There is rain.

She wipes the hurt
off her face,
Then she enters
This God forsaken place.

But it's fine
She doesn't matter
The floors shine
The halls fill with laughter.

This pretty picture
Takes a twist
Yes they are laughing
but at her wrists.

They call her names;
emo, cutter, attention whore.
She is consumed by shame,
But this will be the final score.

In her room
All alone
She refuses to answer
her ringing phone.

One last tear
Streaks down her cheek
This pain to end
Is all she seeks.

She puts the gun
to her head,
pulls the trigger
She is dead.

[shemthepenman]

I suppose this is supposed to be a sad poem? is it? anyhow, the problem I found with it was the rhyming, it makes it sound comical. I read, "she puts the gun to her head / pulls the trigger / now she's dead" and couldn't help laughing. It reminded me of one of those little willie poems:

Willie looking in the gun
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
"Willie is so scatter-brained"

anyhow, I have found that treating a subject such as suicide so earnestly doesn't work at all (on an emotive level). I read recently (for the nth time) Trainspotting; and there is this passage that in the first few lines I was laughing and then just began to cry by the last. I would like to quote it if I may.

(after finding her 'thought to be dead uncle' was sweating and warm, Nina had informed everyone that he wasn't dead. The doctor, on closer inspection found that someone had left the electric blanket on...)

"Nina thought that she would piss herself. Her sides ached, as she struggled to repress the spasms of laughter which shook through her. Cathy put her arm around her.
-its awright darlin. There ye go hen. Dinnae worry yirsel, she said, as Nina realised that she was crying like a baby. Crying with a raw power and unselfconscious abandon as the tensions ebbed from her body and she became limp in Cathy's arms."

Now, up to the end of the first two lines I was laughing uncontrollably, but by "...like a baby" I had a lump in my throat and 'I've just got something in my eye'.

I am not saying that one should automatically go for the comedy/tragedy thing, but tragedy must have a sense of humour to make it more poignant.

Just a thought.

[Volaticus]

I kind of like this poem. I don't mind rhyming in poems of this subject. I liked the image in the first and third stanza, but I was not so fond of the fifth. I'm sorry, I can't think of more to say than this right now. Thanks for the read

[AlexSharp]

Very emotional, I can feel the what you're trying to convey. Might I recommend adding some figures of speech just to make it a little more creative?