Help with a poem I wrote

[Lyubster]

Hello there everybody.I tried to write a poem in english (I'm bulgarian) for somebody,and I wanted to make sure I didn't make any mistakes in it.If you find someting that doesen't look quite right (like grammar errors etc.) let me know.Here it is:


I had this dream,this vivid dream,
of a lady in purple and white.
She smiled to me,or so it seemed,
nearly blinding my sight.

Then she quietly left with the sunrise,
and all the colors slowly faded to gray.
Skies adopted the shine of her innocent blue eyes,
now it’s lost, like tears in rain.

She will be far, so very far,
like flower on a distant moon,
And I’ll be calling her name through this broken guitar,
till every note goes out of tune

The days will pass as I grow older,
many strangers will pass nearby,
but I’ll still sing the words I’ve never told her,
and hear the sound of her early goodbye.

[Todd]

Well, I'll take this as more translation and less critique on the first pass. There are some cliches, adverbial filler, and meter issues that stand out, but it isn't that bad of an attempt. Good especially when you consider it isn't your first language.

Hello there everybody.I tried to write a poem in english (I'm bulgarian) for somebody,and I wanted to make sure I didn't make any mistakes in it.If you find someting that doesen't look quite right (like grammar errors etc.) let me know.Here it is:


I had this dream,this vivid dream,
of a lady in purple and white.
She smiled to me,or so it seemed,--"to" may be correct here if you're trying to express expectation. I think though "at" may be what you're really looking for here
nearly blinding my sight.

Then she quietly left with the sunrise,
and all the colors slowly faded to gray.
Skies adopted the shine of her innocent blue eyes,
now it’s lost, like tears in rain.--place a "the" before rain. While you can technically say it this way, it doesn't sound as correct as adding "the"

She will be far, so very far,
like flower on a distant moon,--put an "a" before flower
And I’ll be calling her name through this broken guitar,
till every note goes out of tune

The days will pass as I grow older,
many strangers will pass nearby,
but I’ll still sing the words I’ve never told her,
and hear the sound of her early goodbye.

You have some nice things going on here. Again this was mostly a translation pass. I hope it helps some.

Best,

Todd

[Lyubster]

Thanks a lot,man.

[milo]

In English you would never say" blinding my sight", it is pointless tautology.

[Lyubster]

In English you would never say" blinding my sight", it is pointless tautology.

Okay,I'll keep that in mind