Untitled

[NakedBear]

A thousand years or more ago
cascading rain swept old growth snow
from out of shade of tree and rock
and down to shore of aching stream.

That slinking snake grew fat below,
upon the glut of rain and frigid flow,
then split his sides and was renewed
to writhe on twig and branch.

Long ago I, too, was swallowed, though
then I rode on rain and warming snow,
which laid me low beneath those banks,
shed too soon by greedy snake, grown gaunt.

Walking through the cool and vaunting light,
you’d see my golden specks which sparkle bright;
and maybe then you’d look at my round face
too close, and see these chips and cracks so long

ago impressed by journey out from graven bed,
beneath the water cooling those then dead;
so stony still and hard and cold are they
who dream of their return to sunny warmth,
while I dream on of warmer touches than the sun.

Note: I welcome whatever level of criticism you have the time and energy to throw at this.

Mikey.

[Leanne]

Mikey, I like this for the most part but I'm really disappointed that you start off with good iambic tetrameter and then seem to abandon it for no reason I can fathom -- with rhymes like this, the poem cries out for regular meter. The overall feel of the poem is quite spiritual -- I don't know if it's just the snake but there's a sense of oneness with the land that I also get from several pre-Christian legends.

A thousand years or more ago
cascading rain swept old growth snow
from out of shade of tree and rock
and down to shore of aching stream. -- lovely meter in this first stanza but this line kind of ruins it with somewhat tortured grammar. Perhaps "down to the shores of (something) stream" (aching is a wee bit odd)

That slinking snake grew fat below,
upon the glut of rain and frigid flow, -- just "on glut of" will fix the meter
then split his sides and was renewed
to writhe on twig and branch. -- another two syllables needed here, perhaps an adjective before "writhe"

Long ago I, too, was swallowed, though -- maybe "Once I too was swallowed, though"
then I rode on rain and warming snow, -- remove then
which laid me low beneath those banks,
shed too soon by greedy snake, grown gaunt. -- if you take out "greedy" this works

you lose the meter almost entirely at this point

Walking through the cool and vaunting light, -- vaunting? Really?
you’d see my golden specks which sparkle bright;
and maybe then you’d look at my round face
too close, and see these chips and cracks so long

ago impressed by journey out from graven bed,
beneath the water cooling those then dead;
so stony still and hard and cold are they
who dream of their return to sunny warmth,
while I dream on of warmer touches than the sun.

Note: I welcome whatever level of criticism you have the time and energy to throw at this.

Mikey.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I can't think of much else to add that Leanne hasn't pointed out, it certainly would benefit from keeping the meter throughout. Great choice of vocabulary, but without the meter it can be a bit difficult to get through.

I also found 'Long ago I, too, was swallowed, though' a bit too punctuated. That's where the poem for me went a bit downhill (mainly because of the meter, and a few iffy descriptions).

I love this though -
who dream of their return to sunny warmth,
while I dream on of warmer touches than the sun.

[heslopian]

The syntax is very complicated at times, so it almost reads like Finnegans Wake, but there's a bit of neat poetic thought snaking through each verse, and I like your natural imagery. Thank you for the read

[Todd]

Hi Mikey, this has a real lovely cadence to it. I'll let you know where it slipped for me.

A thousand years or more ago
cascading rain swept old growth snow
from out of shade of tree and rock
and down to shore of aching stream.--loved the entire stanza

That slinking snake grew fat below,--great image
upon the glut of rain and frigid flow,--This slips some. For me it is almost always the (noun) and (noun) construction. I would consider finding a way to have it be one thing rather than two. This is a bias I admit and could be solved in other ways.
then split his sides and was renewed
to writhe on twig and branch.---I actually don't mind this clipped ending provided you carried that through to all the other end lines. If you aren't going to it needs something added.

Long ago I, too, was swallowed, though--I like the transition to the personal
then I rode on rain and warming snow,
which laid me low beneath those banks,
shed too soon by greedy snake, grown gaunt.--there may be one too many instances of alliteration for me

Walking through the cool and vaunting light,--I like vaunting, but in what way is the light vaunting? It feels like it needs to be proven rather than just sit there as an adjective. It also feels like it wants to be vaunted at the very least
you’d see my golden specks which sparkle bright;
and maybe then you’d look at my round face
too close, and see these chips and cracks so long--love the break here

ago impressed by journey out from graven bed,
beneath the water cooling those then dead;
so stony still and hard and cold are they
who dream of their return to sunny warmth,
while I dream on of warmer touches than the sun.

Note: I welcome whatever level of criticism you have the time and energy to throw at this.

Mikey.

Enjoyed the read. I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd