Utopia - (new member)

[Mcolbert]

Utopia

Years from now when we're old, I assume we'll make it to old age,
we'll sit around on a balcony somewhere far away.
We'll toast each newborn day, knocking back paper cups
filled with medication.
Letting the sun rise uninterrupted over the seafront,
we'll drink orange juice from clean glasses, eat bagels with smoked salmon.
We won't have our teeth, or the control of our bowels,
or sight or sanity or a care in the world.
Arthritic fingers will shake off the anxiety of the last seventy years,
and scraping soft butter over steaming baked goods, we will ascend.
Don't you know? it's just what happens near the end.
Bored of sex we will talk calmly with brittle little voices.
With the aid of tubes and nurses still in their youth.
As we hobble to our regular seats we will smile,
understanding that love is platonic.
there won't be any regrets as the surf licks the sand,
it will strike us that we have never been closer
to the womb.
The peace of the Eloi.
We will listen to Brahms perhaps, and Chopan, and listen to the gulls caw
we won't remember much of anything after a while, save how to straighten our ties, apply our lipstick, laugh.
we won't remember much of anything after a while, but will be reminded of what is important
when we see each other on the terrace at six a.m.
We will be graced with the mornings aesthetic, and the terrors of the sea will respect us enough to leave us be. We shall have tea.
And until the last of us slip into blissful dementia, forgetting the other faces slumped around the fruit bowl, we will converse.
Laughing at past mistakes.
Laughing at lost loves.
Laughing at the mirror.
Laughing at the young.
Laughing at uncertainty.
Laughing at God.

We won't remember much though, and at some point we will become as silent as the end of the universe
and the planets will align, and our star will shine, and those who work will pine
away, for what it is
we have.

[Heartafire]

Utopia

Years from now when we're old, I assume we'll make it to old age,
we'll sit around on a balcony somewhere far away.
We'll toast each newborn day, knocking back paper cups
filled with medication.
Letting the sun rise uninterrupted over the seafront,
we'll drink orange juice from clean glasses, eat bagels with smoked salmon.
We won't have our teeth, or the control of our bowels,
or sight or sanity or a care in the world.
Arthritic fingers will shake off the anxiety of the last seventy years,
and scraping soft butter over steaming baked goods, we will ascend.
we will ascend?
Don't you know? it's just what happens near the end. Oh!

Bored of sex we will talk calmly with brittle little voices.
With the aid of tubes and nurses still in their youth.
As we hobble to our regular seats we will smile,
understanding that love is platonic.
there won't be any regrets as the surf licks the sand,
it will strike us that we have never been closer
to the womb.
The peace of the Eloi.
We will listen to Brahms perhaps, and Chopan, and listen to the gulls caw
we won't remember much of anything after a while, save how to straighten our ties, apply our lipstick, laugh.
we won't remember much of anything after a while, but will be reminded of what is important
when we see each other on the terrace at six a.m.
We will be graced with the mornings aesthetic, and the terrors of the sea will respect us enough to leave us be. We shall have tea.
And until the last of us slip into blissful dementia, forgetting the other faces slumped around the fruit bowl, we will converse.
Laughing at past mistakes.
Laughing at lost loves.
Laughing at the mirror.
Laughing at the young.
Laughing at uncertainty.
Laughing at God.

We won't remember much though, and at some point we will become as silent as the end of the universe
and the planets will align, and our star will shine, and those who work will pine
away, for what it is
we have.

Hi Mcolbert, I thought some of your lines ran on too long. Still I found this quite entertaining, and smiled more than a little ( I do hope it was intended to be humorous). A little trimming might be in order.
Aside from some missing punctuation which generally doesn't
distract me me but did here for some reason, I really enjoyed it.
my best!
Heart

[Todd]

Hi Max,

Welcome to the site, here are some comments for you.

I enjoyed this. I do think however you should look for areas to condense. This could be tighter. I'll give you some potential cuts to consider.

Utopia

Years from now when we're old, I assume we'll make it to old age,
we'll sit around on a balcony somewhere far away.
We'll toast each newborn day, knocking back paper cups
of filled with medication.
Letting the sun rise uninterrupted over the seafront,
we'll drink orange juice from clean glasses, eat bagels with smoked salmon.
We won't have our teeth, or the control of our bowels,
or sight or sanity or a care in the world.--the last phrase is cliche, maybe a substitute
Arthritic fingers will shake off the anxiety of the last seventy years,
and scraping soft butter over steaming baked goods, we will ascend.--good couple of lines
Don't you know? it's just what happens near the end.--don't think you need this
Bored of sex we will talk calmly with brittle little voices.--love brittle little voices
With the aid of tubes and nurses still in their youth.
As we hobble to our regular seats we will smile,
understanding that love is platonic.
there won't be any regrets as the surf licks the sand,
it will strike us that we have never been closer
to the womb.
The peace of the Eloi.--nice reference
We will listen to Brahms perhaps, and Chopan, and listen to the gulls caw
we won't remember much of anything after a while, save how to straighten our ties, apply our lipstick, laugh.
we won't remember much of anything after a while, but will be reminded of what is important
when we see each other on the terrace at six a.m.
We will be graced with the mornings aesthetic, and the terrors of the sea will respect us enough to leave us be. We shall have tea.
And until the last of us slip into blissful dementia, forgetting the other faces slumped around the fruit bowl, we will converse.
Laughing at past mistakes.
Laughing at lost loves.
Laughing at the mirror.
Laughing at the young.
Laughing at uncertainty.
Laughing at God.--this would be more effective I think as two well thought out lines and less of a list

We won't remember much though, and at some point we will become as silent as the end of the universe--another great line
and the planets will align, and our star will shine, and those who work will pine
away, for what it is
we have.

You provide a great ending.

I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Utopia

Years from now when we're old, I assume we'll make it to old age,
we'll sit around on a balcony somewhere far away.
We'll toast each newborn day, knocking back paper cups
filled with medication. Excellent line; witty and poignant.
Letting the sun rise uninterrupted over the seafront,
we'll drink orange juice from clean glasses, eat bagels with smoked salmon.
We won't have our teeth, or the control of our bowels,
or sight or sanity or a care in the world. Perfect last clause for this sentence; it finishes the thought so well that what follows could be its own verse.
Arthritic fingers will shake off the anxiety of the last seventy years,
and scraping soft butter over steaming baked goods, we will ascend. Another great close to a sentence.
Don't you know? it's just what happens near the end. This feels slightly pointless and tell-not-show.
Bored of sex we will talk calmly with brittle little voices.
With the aid of tubes and nurses still in their youth.
As we hobble to our regular seats we will smile,
understanding that love is platonic. This feels like a bit of a moralising generalisation, but I can go with it for the poem's sake.
there won't be any regrets as the surf licks the sand,
it will strike us that we have never been closer
to the womb. Awesome. A perfect couple of lines. Rich, warm and moving.
The peace of the Eloi.
We will listen to Brahms perhaps, and Chopan, and listen to the gulls caw
we won't remember much of anything after a while, save how to straighten our ties, apply our lipstick, laugh.
we won't remember much of anything after a while, but will be reminded of what is important
when we see each other on the terrace at six a.m.
We will be graced with the mornings aesthetic Nice expression, though "mornings" needs an apostrophe before the "s"., and the terrors The use of "terrors" here is neat. of the sea will respect us enough to leave us be. We shall have tea.
And until the last of us slip into blissful dementia, forgetting the other faces slumped around the fruit bowl, we will converse.
Laughing at past mistakes.
Laughing at lost loves.
Laughing at the mirror.
Laughing at the young.
Laughing at uncertainty.
Laughing at God.

We won't remember much though, and at some point we will become as silent as the end of the universe Great.
and the planets will align, and our star will shine, and those who work will pine
away, for what it is
we have.

A really good poem, packed with elegant poetic lines and genuine love. Thank you for the read