Posts: 16
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
Can I be this leaf which falls to me?
It flutters rather violently, that I can see.
But that is not all, for I hear it too,
Softer than anything I once knew.
So may I embrace it; this fragile thing?
I always wonder what it shall bring.
But am I this leaf, still falling to me?
It seems so perfect that it cannot be.
I know if I tried, copy it I cannot do,
But it looks my way and asks, “Who are you?”
“Why, certainly not an angel who may sing.”
But there behind me, I see grow a lonely wing.
"We write to make sense of it all." -W. Stegner
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi eli
the main problem i see with your poem is wordiness. try and give it more depth, it feels as though it's trying to hard to achieve something, but you haven't given it the tools to succeed. for the main part it says a lot but gives very little.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(04-21-2013, 11:40 AM)eli Wrote: Can I be this leaf which falls to me?rhetorical questions should be answerable but no answer is given. There are exceptions. The answer here is ...no. It is a rather silly question. Not sure what you are wanting to say.
It flutters rather violently, that I can see.Too wordy to no effect. "rather violently" is so short of carbs that I am hungry for a big, fat metaphor.
But that is not all, for I hear it too,I am tempted to say, "Who cares?". Grammar suspect. Comma after "too" required.
Softer than anything I once knew.Extruded rhyme. Forced.
So may I embrace it; this fragile thing?
I always wonder what it shall bring.A glaring disconnect between the lines in this couplet. So may I embrace it? I wonder if it is the postman.. There is only another forced rhyme to warrant this very weak and pointless couplet.
But am I this leaf, still falling to me?I have told you once and I wish you would stop asking. No. You are NOT a leaf. Go see a shrink
It seems so perfect that it cannot be. So is a diamond yet it is. Too wordy but not saying ANYTHING
I know if I tried, copy it I cannot do,Yoda speak is always the final resort of the failing muse. On with this I cannot go.
But it looks my way and asks, “Who are you?”Oh yes. Get help. Get help soon.
“Why, certainly not an angel who may sing.”
But there behind me, I see grow a lonely wing.Ghastly end but I am grateful for it. I look forward to your first flight. Should be interesting. Hello,
Good to see you posting but not a pleasure to read. I don't think you had any idea where this was going...and if you say you did then that is worse. Far too wordy in a vacuos way. Not thought through, forced rhymes every time, hopelessly faux-poetic ( sorry milo, but if it fits , wear it), mostly gobbledygook.
So. Where from here?
Well, begin with the premise that rhyming is a discipline of the wordsmith rather than the poet. You do not need to rhyme. If you can encapsulate your thoughts into a few well selected words you will make a poem. Use imagery, metaphor and structure to bring your piece alive. Read more good poetry to get the hang of it. DO NOT GIVE UP!
Best,
tectak
Posts: 16
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
I appreciate your honesty. I wrote this over a year ago, before I really started studying poetry. I just wanted to know what was thought of it. I'm glad that you took your time to respond, though. I'll probably edit it, or just start completely over now that I know more about poetry. Could you maybe analyze my other poem I posted? It's not recently written either, but more recent than this one, plus I wrote out my thought processes in a comment that you should probably read before replying. Thanks!
"We write to make sense of it all." -W. Stegner
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(04-22-2013, 01:55 AM)eli Wrote: I appreciate your honesty. I wrote this over a year ago, before I really started studying poetry. I just wanted to know what was thought of it. I'm glad that you took your time to respond, though. I'll probably edit it, or just start completely over now that I know more about poetry. Could you maybe analyze my other poem I posted? It's not recently written either, but more recent than this one, plus I wrote out my thought processes in a comment that you should probably read before replying. Thanks!
Hi eli,
Your "other" poem is in novice where you will get the right kind of advice.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 16
Threads: 5
Joined: Apr 2013
(04-22-2013, 06:43 AM)tectak Wrote: Hi eli,
Your "other" poem is in novice where you will get the right kind of advice.
Best,
tectak
What do you mean? Are you not able to critique poems in the novice section? I only posted it there because it was my first post on the site.
"We write to make sense of it all." -W. Stegner
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i went to see it but it wasn't there.
tecktak self posts in novice.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(04-22-2013, 06:49 AM)eli Wrote: (04-22-2013, 06:43 AM)tectak Wrote: Hi eli,
Your "other" poem is in novice where you will get the right kind of advice.
Best,
tectak
What do you mean? Are you not able to critique poems in the novice section? I only posted it there because it was my first post on the site.
I can but choose not to on a regular basis. I am way to grumpy
Best,
tectak
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
|
