Moving On

[neverunderestimated]

In the moments when I miss you, I look up to the sky.
Sometimes it gets a little hard to watch this life pass by.

But as I think about it it's easy to decide
that I'm better off without you and all your stupid lies.

You told me that you loved me and that I was your one,
but to you that just meant nothing, so I'm glad that this is done.

You ask, "are you still hurting?" I've no reason to lie,
because the love I truly had, unlike yours, will never die.

The pain inside will soften, it gets easier each day,
but that will never change the fact that I love you this way.

I promised you my future, with one simple request.
You were to give me yours and to always love me best.

You broke that single promise, and now I know for sure,
it was never meant to be, and I deserve much more.

So go off with your little whore, pretend that I'm not here.
But I want you to remember, you were mine first, my dear.

Good luck with your life, I wish I didn't care,
but I want you to be happy even without me there.

Remember that I love you, remember what you've done.
And when you realize your mistake, remember I've moved on.

[justcloudy]

hey there,
you've done a pretty good job with the meter, only a few stanzas were off enough to trip me up. so that's not the problem here. the issue is more that what you're saying has been said a many, many times in very similar ways to this. if you want to improve your poetry, you need to add in images for your reader. the first line was ok, I saw a girl looking up at the sky... but after that she just stood there and spoke... until the end where she walked away. not super interesting. look around this site and find poems you like, and you'll probably end up realizing they're the ones who play a movie in your head. keep writing, this is honestly quite a good first effort, but see if you can now move into the next stage of becoming a poet-- exploring imagery. good luck!
-cloudy

[allykat727]

I think justcloudy critiqued your piece perfectly. The meter is quite nice, but the concept and turns of words are very cliche. I'd suggest experimenting with words that evoke a deeper emotional response. Also, consider thinking of poetry as painting an image or scene loaded with these emotions. Let the turns of word reveal the story you've told above instead of stating it matter-of-factly. Thanks for the read

[casey]

Good job!

[Glittercake]

It's really good, and I understand the just of it...but you said you still love him, but you've moved on...? That confused me a little, but it's a very good poem!

[Volaticus]

I have to agree with the other comments. It's a good first draft, but it needs to be expanded with some images. I really like the sentiment of the last stanza. I think it's got some 'pow' to it