Street Artist

[Buck]

Confident pastels
attack
virgin asphalt.

A hopeful jar
lingers
near the canvas,
expecting
pocket change,
rarely gaining
satisfaction.

Intrigued children
tug
elders’ coattails,
attempting to
procure interest
for their latest
amusement.

Never finished,
the vibrant
patch of pavement
bleeds
with the passion
of Anonymous.

---

Original Version

Confident pastels
attack
virgin asphalt.

A hopeful jar
waits
near the canvas,
expecting
pocket change,
rarely gaining
satisfaction.

Intrigued children
tug
parents’ coattails,
attempting
to elicit interest
for their newfound
amusement.

Never finished, the
now colorful
patch of pavement
bleeds
with the passion
of its artist.

[billy]

hi buck, first off, great to see you giving feedback else where, feedback is our life blood almost as much as the poetry is.

your poem;

the poem makes me think of kurt wenner but only because he's the only street artist i know it's tight, and i'm sure some will say overly so, but it works for me. i think some of the word choices could be stronger with such a poem. begging instead of hopeful, requesting instead of expecting, resides instead of waits,
you could play around with the form to possibly improve on what you already have.

thanks for the read.

Confident pastels
attack
virgin asphalt.

A hopeful jar
waits
near the canvas,
expecting
pocket change,
rarely gaining
satisfaction.

Intrigued children
tug
parents’ coattails, cliche. a suggestion would be to move parents up to the previous line and remove coattails ending up with tug parents
attempting
to elicit interest
for their newfound is newfound an americanism?
amusement.

Never finished, the
now colorful is now needed?
patch of pavement
bleeds
with the passion
of its artist. would a name of an artist to make it more personal.

[allykat727]

I love this piece! You painted a picture (pun intended) by revealing information rather than stating it--and yet the information is still conveyed clearly. Wonderful.

I agree with billy that "now" isn't needed. But your last stanza is my favorite. Really hauntingly beautiful. It depicts the desperation of a painter, putting their blood and sweat into their work. I also really really loved your first stanza. It is simple yet unique. Thanks for the read

[MusicHealsPain]

I like this alot. Impressed with the way you are able to create such vivid imagery with your words. Thanks for sharing!

[Buck]

hi buck, first off, great to see you giving feedback else where, feedback is our life blood almost as much as the poetry is.

your poem;

the poem makes me think of kurt wenner but only because he's the only street artist i know it's tight, and i'm sure some will say overly so, but it works for me. i think some of the word choices could be stronger with such a poem. begging instead of hopeful, requesting instead of expecting, resides instead of waits,
you could play around with the form to possibly improve on what you already have.

thanks for the read.

Confident pastels
attack
virgin asphalt.

A hopeful jar
waits
near the canvas,
expecting
pocket change,
rarely gaining
satisfaction.

Intrigued children
tug
parents’ coattails, cliche. a suggestion would be to move parents up to the previous line and remove coattails ending up with tug parents
attempting
to elicit interest
for their newfound is newfound an americanism?
amusement.

Never finished, the
now colorful is now needed?
patch of pavement
bleeds
with the passion
of its artist. would a name of an artist to make it more personal.

No problem for the feedback! You get what you give. Thanks for the suggestions. I don't think I'll use an actual artist's name, only because my inspiration for this poem, an actual street artist whose name I do not know from Florence, Italy, stayed anonymous while he created his drawings.

Good suggestions all around! Duly noted.

[heslopian]

The last verse might be more powerful if you end it after "bleeds", as "with the passion/of Anonymous" feels a bit sentimental. JMHO, of course, and that's the only quibble I have, because the rest of the poem is sharp and evocative in its detached, detailed portrait of an urban/artistic scene.
Your use of adjectives is especially good ("confident pastels", "virgin asphalt", "hopeful jar"), almost anthropomorphising the inanimate in a way that makes your images richer. Thank you for the read