Posts: 23
Threads: 9
Joined: Apr 2013
The sun resonates in my spirit and I
Smile. Warmth and repose engulf me
And I am certain nature is mine.
Tranquility transcends as the sun melts
For the day and the worn sea yawns.
Oh salty wet heavens how sweetly you
Fill my dry lungs? As I watch your
sweet seascape I am eternally yours.
The words sound nice together, though the story is pretty simplistic; and it feels there could be more to it.
The sun resonates in my spirit and I
Smile. Warmth and repose engulf me
And I am certain nature is mine.
Tranquility transcends as the sun melts
For the day and the worn sea yawns.
Oh salty wet heavens how sweetly you
Fill my dry lungs? As I watch your
You don't need a question mark in that kind of statement.
sweet seascape I am eternally yours.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(04-29-2013, 04:00 AM)philoinlove Wrote: The sun resonates in my spirit and I
Smile. Warmth and repose engulf me
And I am certain nature is mine.
Tranquility transcends as the sun melts
For the day and the worn sea yawns.
Oh salty wet heavens how sweetly you
Fill my dry lungs? As I watch your
sweet seascape I am eternally yours.
All in all, it is a nice thought but you are limiting yourself by sticking in the abstract. Ex: The sun resonates in your narrator's spirit. Unfortunatley, readers can feel the sun's warmth on their face, their arms, their hands, but not their spirits.
repose. What does it feel like to get engulfed by a repose? Your narrator feels they own nature due to being engulfed by a repose? "Salty wet heavens" is good. Dry lungs? Is your narrator a corpse? This never gets developed either. Finally, as watching the sea, the narrator belongs to . . . nature? the heavens? If your narrator is a zombie, I don't think they go to heaven, though I do like that dichotomy and it might be interesting to develop a "zombie pining for god's grace" type of poem at some time.
Good luck with it!
milo
(04-29-2013, 06:06 AM)trueenigma Wrote: (04-29-2013, 04:00 AM)philoinlove Wrote: The sun resonates in my spirit and I
Smile. Warmth and repose engulf me
And I am certain nature is mine.
Tranquility transcends as the sun melts
For the day and the worn sea yawns.
Oh salty wet heavens how sweetly you
Fill my dry lungs? As I watch your
sweet seascape I am eternally yours.
L4: What is tranquility transcending? You've created an abstraction here.
L6: Why the question mark?
Overall not too bad, I like some of your unique phrasing. Work a little on the structure, sentences, and line breaks. The fragmentation and poor punctuation break the image.
Perhaps a dichotomy, some rhymes, and a meter would help:
Consume the night, tranquility.
In sunlit days and salty air,
transcend the day and chill the sea,
for I am yours eternally.
The sunshine's burn and ocean's glare
consume the night. Tranquility,
in sunlit days and salty air.
Sorry Milo, she still loves you, it just happened!
it's contagious, right?
