(content warning) Transcendence and Urges

[billy]

i see it's causing some consternation already and to be honest i expected it too. i'm not keen of gratuitous sex/violence, so for me that starts me off in the negative. the poem feels as though it's try to tell or say something and that evens the neg side out. i've seen some of the replies and i'm not sure if they tainted my original take on the piece.

Her body's God to me. should it be goddess? (being nit picky i know.)
Springing from an ancient well of joy, for me a woman's body is often a god to men. we worship and adore the female form, we fap over their images, i was expecting a poem that praised women in other ways, i was in for a shock. so this opening set me and the poem up well

it yields to my fists. almost cliche
I knead its hills and valleys this couplet feels to clever the wordplay almost makes it but falls just short

like a giant crawling through Yorkshire. yorkshire had me laughing
Which god would deny man its beauties? i see beauties in two lights here, one as something to be revered and one as something to own. the poem is verging towards the latter

(The same god who created
and filled it with hate for man and his urges.), it feels poisonous, something has been done that wasn't good, i think this needs expanding on, how did it get to this? i think this is the crux of the poem.

She's dead tonight,
lost in an artificial sleep no-one could approach. solid line though the one above it feels a bit weak

Lecherous physician,
childish necrophile,

I touch and lick, breathing hastily,
an African boy at a trough of meat. though repulsive, this is one of the strongest lines in the poem. there's a distance between the greed and act.

She'll wake tomorrow and read scripture
while torturing herself,

unaware that I've broken our pact. would this line be better moved up
Picture her stuck to the cross, and this down to the next.

nails where nipples should be,
poking through her tits in halos of blood. the crucifixion metaphor fails, simply because god didn't have nails through his tits. at this point i can see where some would call the poem misogynistic, but i think this is where the poem has to lead.

Her cunt is a tangle of thorns is 'is' needed?
no husband could touch or child escape. i think this implies more than it's words say. it has an undercurrent of regret

And on her face are the orgasms she's denied man,
as rivers of heavenly light pour from her eyes. a solid ending, the woman is a woman of god.

i think a small edit would help this contentious piece, it isn't my type of poetry but it isn't badly written. even though there are metaphorical nails through tits. i think the write is a double edged sword. some will applaud for bring such violence to light others will hate it for the same thing, and others will have their own opinions.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful feedback, Bilbo

[Pigalo]

Beautifully designed and a challenging trip, in an enjoyable way.

For me, the parenthetical sentence didn't carry the power that thrummed through the rest.

The vulgarity at the end is, for me personally, distracting. It pulls me out of the experience and puts me back in my chair reading a poem. I don't think the power sits in those words. Compared to the elegance of the remainder, that part seems--and this is not really the right word exactly--cheap, or too easy -- something like that. But perhaps that is just me.

I can't claim to grasp the big picture, whether she is a person or a metaphor for nature/Earth, or ....? But this may just be me, judging by other comments.

Overall, appreciate the journey, and admire the talent and delicacy in your phrasing and rhythm.

[tectak]

Beautifully designed and a challenging trip, in an enjoyable way.

For me, the parenthetical sentence didn't carry the power that thrummed through the rest.

The vulgarity at the end is, for me personally, distracting. It pulls me out of the experience and puts me back in my chair reading a poem. I don't think the power sits in those words. Compared to the elegance of the remainder, that part seems--and this is not really the right word exactly--cheap, or too easy -- something like that. But perhaps that is just me.

I can't claim to grasp the big picture, whether she is a person or a metaphor for nature/Earth, or ....? But this may just be me, judging by other comments.

Overall, appreciate the journey, and admire the talent and delicacy in your phrasing and rhythm.

....I thought it was about fat lasses who climb mountains in short skirts.
innocente moi.
tectak
Yes, milo, I know!!!!!!!!!!!!

[rowens]

How can a poem be gratuitous if it's true? Scenarios like this are real. And I think, when you get a feeling, an abstract feeling that you need to find a subject for, sometimes it requires this type of thing. But that's how I feel. The feeling has nothing to do with rape or anything else. But if it's rape, or violence or racism or suicide or anything, that suits the intensity of the feeling, those are the best subjects to handle.

But culture's so saturated with these things, it's commonplace, yet still manages to get people's attention sometimes.

[Leanne]

In serious critique, it's traditional to comment on the poem and not on other people's comments.

[rowens]

The content of the poem is what I'm talking about. And much of the discussion has been about that, not just yours, Leanne. I just used the word you used, though others have leaned toward it too.

It's more of a subject driven poem than a form poem anyway. It works just fine, except something like "childish necrophile" seems a little like filler.

[Ganman]

I love the imagery. I think you've got a lot going here. I got the references, biblical, social, etc. I dig it.

I think it could benefit from being a lot longer though, and you need a little more transition from the clincher to the close. How did we get from strong desire to hate? I understand what you're doing, but I think a little more depth would bring a lot more clarity.

Either way, you've chosen an enticing subject for your poem, and you capture it in an intriguing, though controversial, manner. You could definitely be more PC about it. I think your audience will appreciate you more for it, but that's ultimately up to you.

Honestly, the emotion of the poem is a little too self-indulgent for me, personally. To "transcend" that, you can capture your emotions, but pay close attention to the subject as well. Try to not merely look at it through the lens of your character- I think more perspective in this poem would benefit it.

[heslopian]

Thank you for that great critique, Ganman I hadn't really thought about inserting my own personal perspective.