Love for a High School Motivational Speaker

[PoetryAndPhysics]

I love you, sainted lady;
take me down to Galilee.
Past the mount where once spoke Jesus,
on to where he walked the sea.

You were lithe and pure as sunrise,
light against a soot filled sky.
But rough frauds took down your candle,
read a rant, then huffed you dry.

Who can comprehend the reasons
why you went with them, that day.
Had you missed the classic folly
of a church demanding pay?

Now you dole out high school sermons
on the sin of headless bliss.
You've been saved through intervention;
I’m still waiting for that kiss

on my cheek, for I have loved you
through the lows and frantic peaks.
So walk me past old bayside steeples
by the shores of Galilee.

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I actually really enjoyed reading this. Your meter and rhyme is executed and most importantly naturally.

I'm not quite sure exactly what happens in it though - call me an idiot, but I'm not sure who she is. I understand that you love her and still love her, but past that, I think some parts are too abstract and stray away from explaining what is going on.

[Volaticus]

Most of this is quite pleasant to read out loud :-) The one small thing that caught my attention, was that the word 'high school' kind of threw me off, from the otherwise pleasant oldish feel of your writing. But that's just my opinion, probably didn't need mentioning :-)

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Thanks UnicornRainbow, crit greatly appreciated. I've heard that if you have to explain your poem to someone, it's probably not a very good poem. I can say that the narrator's love for the motivational speaker is meant to be deeply ironic. Need to work on showing this, though...

Thanks also Volaticus. High school's there because it's based off a speaker I remember when I was in highschool (saying it like that makes it too simple…)

Gary

[UnicornRainbowCake]

If you're looking at ironic love, have a read of "Love Songs of Age" by Larkin. It might give you some ideas on how to portray the love in your poem more clearly.

[tectak]

I love you, sainted lady;
take me down to Galilee.
Past the mount where once spoke Jesus,
on to where he walked the sea.

You were lithe and pure as sunrise,
light against a soot filled sky.
But rough frauds took down your candle,
read a rant, then huffed you dry.

Who can comprehend the reasons
why you went with them, that day.
Had you missed the classic folly
of a church demanding pay?

Now you dole out high school sermons
on the sin of headless bliss.
You've been saved through intervention;
I’m still waiting for that kiss

on my cheek, for I have loved you
through the lows and frantic peaks.
So walk me past old bayside steeples
by the shores of Galilee.

Hi pandp,
I make it a point never to comment on any content involving one of the 3G's...god, ghosts or gravity, so we may never lock metaphorical horns!
Poetic observation:

on my cheek, for I have loved you
through the lows and frantic peaks.
So walk me past old bayside steeples
by the shores of Galilee.

....as another observed, rhyme is executed.

Best,
tectak

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Amy- Thanks, I hadn't read that poem yet, indeed ironic.

tectak- add 'love' to those 3 G's and you've got a good list of potentially annoying forum poems. Why gravity though? I like a good verse about falling apples

Don't want to dwell on this poem, but I'll explain it just in case some were wondering. The motivational speaker I remember spoke about her time spent in a cult. I thought it ironic for the narrator to acknowledge what happened to the speaker, while in the same breath professing his love, talking of her owing him a kiss, walking by the shores of Galilee, etc... I like the idea, but I think the next version of it might have to be in a different form...

[billy]

I love you, sainted lady;
take me down to Galilee.
Past the mount where once spoke Jesus,
on to where he walked the sea.

You were lithe and pure as sunrise,
light against a soot filled sky.
But rough frauds took down your candle,
read a rant, then huffed you dry.

Who can comprehend the reasons
why you went with them, that day.
Had you missed the classic folly
of a church demanding pay?

Now you dole out high school sermons
on the sin of headless bliss.
You've been saved through intervention;
I’m still waiting for that kiss

on my cheek, for I have loved you
through the lows and frantic peaks.
So walk me past old bayside steeples the meter feels to bumpy maybe lose the 'So"
by the shores of Galilee.

hard to comment on. peaks doesn't rhyme with galilee.
there are some blips with the meter, a half foot here a half foot there. 1/2 foot short on the first line if you're going for 4, 3.5, 4, 3.5 feet per verse.

i suppose using the same end rhyme works but it's still a little iffy unless it's a refrain.
not my cup of tea but not to shoddy

[Pigalo]

I was drawn in by the title.

Thank you for posting; I enjoyed the poem.

When I read it, I guessed the lady was someone religious, such as a pastor, who had a crisis in faith (the candle) caused at least in part by some frauds, so she quit the ministry (and stopped collecting pay from the church), to either become literally a motivational speaker or to become a high school teacher. --this is what I guessed before reading some of the critiques.

Other thoughts:
soot filled sky is unclear (and should be "soot-filled" I think). Is it a metaphor for dark clouds? Or really filled with soot--and if so, why notable? Related to the candle?

I think after "Galilee" should be a comma, not period.

I am not bothered by the variations in meter and rhyme.

I had fun trying to piece together this puzzle. But ultimately, when I am done, I am wondering if it may not be that some of the important puzzle pieces are missing.

[tectak]

Amy- Thanks, I hadn't read that poem yet, indeed ironic.

tectak- add 'love' to those 3 G's and you've got a good list of potentially annoying forum poems. Why gravity though? I like a good verse about falling apples ...because, god. gravity and ghost discussions wre fortunately eradicated from my thoughts at pubery....discussion leads to no conclusions. Love...yea, i believe in that....like I believe in gravity.
best,
tectak

Don't want to dwell on this poem, but I'll explain it just in case some were wondering. The motivational speaker I remember spoke about her time spent in a cult. I thought it ironic for the narrator to acknowledge what happened to the speaker, while in the same breath professing his love, talking of her owing him a kiss, walking by the shores of Galilee, etc... I like the idea, but I think the next version of it might have to be in a different form...

[Ganman]

I'd suggest dropping the harsh rhyme scheme and sticking with something more like the final stanza, with more internal rhyme. I think you'd benefit a lot from not having those constraints.

Also, you want a better clincher than "I love you, sainted lady." From the moment I read that, my thoughts were, "Oh, another love poem." You have some really cool imagery here, and I think the first line cheapens that, in some respects.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Thanks all. Agree with the comments about rhyme scheme. I would've, and wanted to, vary the meter more, get some internal rhymes going, etc… but I don’t really know how to do that yet (not in a systemic way, anyhow). Might nix the trochee with odd lined caesuraes on future revision as it’s getting tiring, but I do want some (as was the original intent) sort of love poem-y form/meter. Don’t really know at the moment…

Pigalo- soot filled sky is meant to be literal. The contrast between it and the rays of a sunrise is meant to be a metaphor for the speaker’s pureness (as perceived by the N) as contrasted with the “rough thugs”. Same goes for the candle.

Ganman- If I can defend the first line a bit (only a little); “sainted lady” is supposed to be read as an insult. But I acknowledge it would, to say the least initially, be read as a cliche. Or does it not matter/does the reader care?

[Ganman]

It's not so much the "sainted lady" opening as it is the "I love you" opening. You read "I love you" and you automatically know it's another love poem. You could open with something more ambiguous but attention-grabbing, for example, but "I love you" is not a very good way to open up a love poem. You want your poem to transcend, not subscribe to, genre conventions; the love poem is as old as bones. Start by telling readers how yours is different (not literally, of course... you don't want to break the fourth wall here) rather than telling them they're reading (a form of) a love poem.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

I gratefully accept the rebuke :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_2xGIwQfik

[justcloudy]

hey Gary
having been following this thread, here are my humble thoughts:
the story you're trying to get across is poignant and worth telling. but your poem isn't telling it, seeing as you've had to explain yourself completely (I had read it before the explanation was put up and hadn't understood a thing). to me what you've written here is lovely but the story gets lost, especially in the religious references. this type of poetry isn't really my thing, and I'd be tempted to suggest that you write out the same story in free verse and see what you come up with. maybe it'll be trash, but it might at least get you going in the right direction for this one. just a thought. =]
-cloudy