Suburbia Advertisement

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Edit;

Suburbia, city + trees,
endless roads of houses, so easily lost
in front yard landscaping, garage sale trolling,
and frustration waiting for that freight train to pass!
Reservoirs tame rivers, fence divides land,
but birds rule the sky! No city pigeons, possibly falcons.
Preppy schools, monolithic shopping centers,
parking lots in détente with duck ponds.
Drive with windows down, starting at the city,
and houses gain wiggle room, frontiers expand,
towns grow less metropolis-dependent.
Stars twinkle brighter, air breathes cleaner.
Drive too far and you reach the boring country.
Don’t go!, stay where you were raised;
raised to find secret passages across backyards,
to transition between woodland and pavement.
Home is for the tired. It is home, and you’re tired.


Original;

Suburbia, city + trees,
endless roads of houses, so easily lost
in front yard landscaping, lethargic garage sales,
and frustration waiting for that freight train to pass!
Reservoirs tame the water, picket fences the land,
but birds the sky! No city pigeons, possibly even falcons.
Upscale schools, monolithic shopping centers,
parking lots engaged in détente with duck ponds.
Drive with your windows down, starting at the city,
and houses gain wiggle room, frontiers expand,
towns grow less metropolis-dependent.
Stars shine brighter, air perhaps a bit cleaner.
Drive too far and you reach the boring country.
Don’t go!, stay where you were raised;
raised to find secret passages across backyards,
to transition between woodland and pavement.
Home is for the tired. It is home, and you’re tired.

[Truerenigma]

I almost lost lost at the + sign, but being an American i see what you're doing here. I can picture a commercial for the suburbs.

That being said, the phrasing needs work, it's a kinda formless blob as it stands, and how bout a reference to soccer moms? Maybe throw in some some catch phrases to fit your theme.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Thanks trueenigma, input greatly appreciated. I've done an edit, hopefully pairs it down a bit.

[justcloudy]

hi there
also being american I can appreciate this, makes me think of chicago. however, as true pointed out it's rather... claustrophobic. which would work if you were writing about the inner city, but not so much about our beloved suburbs. (and I can't find much different between the original and the edit...?)

I'd suggest:
make separate stanzas that will mirror the separateness within the suburbs.
maybe have the first line as the title instead?
I can picture what you're describing here, but for non-Americans / to make it more interesting you could describe things a bit more. what kind of fences? chain link? wood, high, painted white? cute picket fences? (depends on the neighborhood really, doesn't it). why is the country boring?
many of your ideas don't link to one another. driving with the windows down, for example, and why "détente"? isn't that an uppity-city-dweller word? (from their perspective)

anyway I like your effort, I like the idea, but it really does need some reworking.
hope this was helpful!
-cloudy

[Heartafire]

Hi Gary, I like this very much. It seems our landscape is carved up by class. Subdivisions and tract houses seem to be the American middle class lines. You've done a fine revision. I think I might consider
"endless rows of (tract) houses" rather than roads. Just a thought, as the house are often in rows of various shades of pink. Thank you for this fine text.
My best,
Heart

[Truerenigma]

hi there
also being american I can appreciate this, makes me think of chicago. however, as true pointed out it's rather... claustrophobic. which would work if you were writing about the inner city, but not so much about our beloved suburbs. (and I can't find much different between the original and the edit...?)

I'd suggest:
make separate stanzas that will mirror the separateness within the suburbs.
maybe have the first line as the title instead?
I can picture what you're describing here, but for non-Americans / to make it more interesting you could describe things a bit more. what kind of fences? chain link? wood, high, painted white? cute picket fences? (depends on the neighborhood really, doesn't it). why is the country boring?
many of your ideas don't link to one another. driving with the windows down, for example, and why "détente"? isn't that an uppity-city-dweller word? (from their perspective)

anyway I like your effort, I like the idea, but it really does need some reworking.
hope this was helpful!
-cloudy

Cloudy had some good ideas for you here.
Try spacing it out into short stanzas and try to keep the ideas within the stanzas connected.

---

Thanks trueenigma, input greatly appreciated. I've done an edit, hopefully pairs it down a bit.

Sorry about the typos man. I sent that from my phone,i meant you almost lost me at the plus sign.

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Thanks everyone. Agreed, most likely I need to break this up. No time at the moment though, week's beginning. Heart, will consider using tract houses, good idea. They are different shades, though sometimes you go into a development, and you get rows and rows of the same thing, street after street! Trueenigma, no worries, I wasn't talking about the plus sign comment, just that after posting I checked back, and from your comment about phrasing I went through the poem again, and made several wording changes.