The bride of Chenab (My first Triolet)

[neena2504]

Hi All,

Here's my first triolet and I am really really excited about it
Please do let me know how you feel about it...

The bride of Chenab

On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.
A time-worn bag at her side;
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
Glassy eyes, tears long dried
Holding on a hope barely alive.
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.

Cheers

[UnicornRainbowCake]

I can see why you're so excited about it, it's very effective and poignant

I think it might read better as 'holding onto a hope barely alive' though.

Also, would her tears be long dried if she's still waiting for him there? It sound great but thinking back to it I'm not sure it quite makes as much sense. Perhaps 'lost her pride' instead? (Or something a bit less cliche...)

Thankyou for a wonderful piece though

[neena2504]

I can see why you're so excited about it, it's very effective and poignant

I think it might read better as 'holding onto a hope barely alive' though.

Also, would her tears be long dried if she's still waiting for him there? It sound great but thinking back to it I'm not sure it quite makes as much sense. Perhaps 'lost her pride' instead? (Or something a bit less cliche...)

Thankyou for a wonderful piece though

Hi Amy,

Thank you so much, this means a lot to me.
'Holding on to a hope barely alive' was my first choice but I felt it was longer in the meter.
Yes you are right in that sense, I'll have to think of something fresh.
I will incorporate these changes it in my next edit.

Thank you once again.

Cheers

[serge gurkski]

I like that.
it is to the point.
it reminds of some oriental word artistry.

cheers
Serge

[Volaticus]

I really like it. Strong lines. And enjoyable to read

[neena2504]

I like that.
it is to the point.
it reminds of some oriental word artistry.

cheers
Serge

I am glad you liked it

---

I really like it. Strong lines. And enjoyable to read

Thank you so much

[milo]

Hi All,

Here's my first triolet and I am really really excited about it
Please do let me know how you feel about it...

The bride of Chenab

On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.
A time-worn bag at her side;
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
Glassy eyes, tears long dried
Holding on a hope barely alive.
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.

Cheers

Welcome to the dark side, neena, you will like it here. I am glad you knocked out a triolet from your list and this is novice, so I will be gentle.

First, your concept and verbiage is pretty good. you could clean up the meter pretty easily as so:

On the banks of Chenab, a bride
waits for her groom to arrive.
with a time-worn bag at her side;
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
with her glassy-eyed tears long dried,
she's holding hope barely alive.
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.

the next thing to work on is a 'turn' in your refrain, a subtle shift in meaning.

cheers
milo

[billy]

hi neena, great effort.

usually the meter is iambic tetrameter
da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum.

the refrain can be slightly altered (sometimes just by using different punctuation) which can liven the poem up a bit more.
you have the meat of the triolet in your poem so an edit shouldn't be a big one.

they get easier the more you do them like most poetry forms, they'll also help you with meter in other poems.

well done

Hi All,

Here's my first triolet and I am really really excited about it
Please do let me know how you feel about it...

The bride of Chenab

On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.
A time-worn bag at her side;
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
Glassy eyes, tears long dried
Holding on a hope barely alive.
On the banks of Chenab, a bride
awaits her groom to arrive.

Cheers

[neena2504]

For milo

Thank you so much for your precious comments milo, I will surely try to imbibe them. I had tried to create a subtle turn here but guess it was a bit too subtle
I had tried to start with a normal bride and then gradually show the reader that she is not young any more, she is old and spent now.
Thanks once again for all the help.

The NaPM is keeping me quite busy

---

For billy

Thank you so much for your precious comments, billy.
yes I have seen one of your triolets and I remember the use of punctuation to alter the meaning, that was a great trick, I must say. The da/dum da/dum will need some more practice on my part. Thanks once again