But A Fantasy, Still
#21
(03-31-2013, 01:01 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(03-31-2013, 12:51 PM)Volaticus Wrote:  The way I meant it when I wrote it, was that their 'dancing, in unhinged grace', is 'a kind of addiction'/'fiction'.
"We're dancing in unhinged grace,
A kind of addiction. Or might it be fiction?

In that case this is better, as far as the grammar is concerned.

I believe you could still keep the hyphen after addiction, if you wanted to connect the two thoughts. Just a matter of changing a period into a comma.

I hate to say it but the idea of suggesting the dancing is fictitious doesn't really make sense. "or is this fiction" would work but is a bit abstract, suggesting perhaps the while poem is fictitious, while "A kind of addiction- or is that fiction" would suggest that the addiction may be fictitious, which would make a little more sense.


If you write a revision, well you post it? I'd be interested in seeing what you do with it in the next draft.
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#22
(03-31-2013, 01:05 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(03-31-2013, 01:01 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(03-31-2013, 12:51 PM)Volaticus Wrote:  The way I meant it when I wrote it, was that their 'dancing, in unhinged grace', is 'a kind of addiction'/'fiction'.
"We're dancing in unhinged grace,
A kind of addiction. Or might it be fiction?

In that case this is better, as far as the grammar is concerned.

I believe you could still keep the hyphen after addiction, if you wanted to connect the two thoughts. Just a matter of changing a period into a comma.

I hate to say it but the idea of suggesting the dancing is fictitious doesn't really make sense. "or is this fiction" would work but is a bit abstract, suggesting perhaps the while poem is fictitious, while "A kind of addiction- or is that fiction" would suggest that the addiction may be fictitious, which would make a little more sense.


If you write a revision, well you post it? I'd be interested in seeing what you do with it in the next draft.

I'm a bit confused. I think I understand what you mean, but I'll need some time, to figure out how to make it better.
I've posted the first, small edit of the poem, and I'll post my next edit, when it's done Smile
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#23
(03-31-2013, 01:05 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(03-31-2013, 01:01 PM)trueenigma Wrote:  
(03-31-2013, 12:51 PM)Volaticus Wrote:  The way I meant it when I wrote it, was that their 'dancing, in unhinged grace', is 'a kind of addiction'/'fiction'.
"We're dancing in unhinged grace,
A kind of addiction. Or might it be fiction?

In that case this is better, as far as the grammar is concerned.

I believe you could still keep the hyphen after addiction, if you wanted to connect the two thoughts. Just a matter of changing a period into a comma.

I hate to say it but the idea of suggesting the dancing is fictitious doesn't really make sense. "or is this fiction" would work but is a bit abstract, suggesting perhaps the while poem is fictitious, while "A kind of addiction- or is that fiction" would suggest that the addiction may be fictitious, which would make a little more sense.


If you write a revision, well you post it? I'd be interested in seeing what you do with it in the next draft.

About L3.. I've come up with this instead: "A kind of addiction, as if it was fiction." But I'm not sure if it just has the same abstraction problem?
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#24
You really want that rhyme don't you?
I'd say that's not much different at all. If you're happy with the way it is then you shouldn't change it. If you feel that it's not yet finished, then keep working on it. You'll get there eventually. As for me i dig and dig and dig, just to try and get to the bottom of what I'm trying to say, then i start to slowly put it all back together again, peace by peace. I like to think that my dying breath will finish all of my .
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