Diaspora Act

[mariamuse]

There you go again
Doing your diaspora act
Alone and with the others
You add a blue note here

It's the same act
In blackface
Or under the lights
Or in private
You hit the same beats, the same marks

It works on some corners
Plays well to certain crowds
Some audiences take it up as their own

But you shed it when you go home
You won't entertain it from your family
You won't allow your children to play
The role

Time comes to drop the diaspora act
But outside the house, when?
When you're alone? Surrounded by others?
Do you drop it then
Or do you drop it
When you're surrounded by yourself
By yourselves
Cornered
Who in you, the many yous, will finally lay its burden down
Lay your burden down
Is it time yet? Is it safe?

[mariamuse]

I guess no one is commenting because of the controversial subject matter? Or maybe some other reason. . .

I am the author. I am a person of color. I can take whatever any one has to say, so feel free to comment.

[Todd]

No one has probably commented yet because they've been slammed by life. This one is on my list for today.

[Leanne]

The first half of the poem provides quite a good setup to contrast with the latter half, however after "but you shed it when you get home" the poem becomes laboured. The problem is not subject matter, but far too many unnecessary words. The line "you won't entertain it from your family" isn't really needed since much the same thing is said in the next line. "Time comes to drop the act" would suffice, without repeating "diaspora" as we've already read the word not too long ago AND you have it in your title. The questions that follow become tedious. They are not "showing" us what's going on, but "telling" us and pretty much insisting that we get it. Give your audience some credit. I suggest you go through this and work out which bits are the most important to let us know what's going on and which are just about you insisting that the reader get exactly what you're saying without allowing any interpretation on their part.

[Todd]

Hi mariamuse,

I think you have a good concept here, but on the whole it feels a bit too distant for me. Too much repetition of common words and ideas make for a muted impact. Some comments below:

There you go again
Doing your diaspora act
Alone and with the others
You add a blue note here

It's the same act
In blackface
Or under the lights
Or in private
You hit the same beats, the same marks

When I consider these two sections, I think a more impactful first line might be:

It's the same act in blackface

From there some of your other lines work (the blue note, the lights, the beats and marks). It's a performance. You can tighten this.

It works on some corners
Plays well to certain crowds
Some audiences take it up as their own

find a way to show us this. It's too distant to have the emotional power you want. It's a clinical observation.

But you shed it when you go home
You won't entertain it from your family
You won't allow your children to play
The role

again more show us the scene. Shed may not fit precisely with blackface.

Time comes to drop the diaspora act
But outside the house, when?
When you're alone? Surrounded by others?
Do you drop it then
Or do you drop it
When you're surrounded by yourself
By yourselves
Cornered
Who in you, the many yous, will finally lay its burden down
Lay your burden down
Is it time yet? Is it safe?

I'd like more imagery here to sell the ending. Again this is a good idea. It just needs to be drawn beyond the surface.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[mariamuse]

Thank you for your thoughtful comments Todd. They are very helpful.