potter's wheel

[milo]

Potter's Wheel
(Creation)

What fool would leave creation up to me,
to force my thumbs and palms across the palette?
If creation wavers in the make
I'll choose the mallet,
pound the crumble, sweep away the scree

then spatula and slurry, slake
the wheel, then spatula again and nothing grips.

There is a marvel in the roll of blunger drips.
What hand formed these oily hills and what's beneath?
I could try again or take a break
or taste the clay dust on my teeth.

milo *(this was originally a 'study' done for a section of a larger poem but to me it seems to hold its own weight.)

[Leanne]

I apologise because I'm in a hurry, but my immediate suggestion is that you rethink your use of the word "creation" in S1 L3 -- it's one of those huge concepts that doesn't really give us much detail. Aside from that, to my ear it buggers up your meter

I lose the meter again in S3 L2 and "what hand formed" is to blame. It sounds as though I have an aversion to biblical references, I know! Still... I'd call that borderline cliche.

It's fascinating to see the origins of your other work and how it's evolved. You are correct in that this works as a stand-alone piece. Your command of sound makes this (mostly) pleasing to the ear, so the words seep into the brain.

[tectak]

Potter's Wheel
(Creation)

What fool would leave creation up to me, Perfect rhetorical question...hugely unanswerable in Newtonian terms. Excellent.
to force my thumbs and palms across the palette? The palette? Seems strangely misplaced. Potter-palette? Hmmmm
If creation wavers in the make
I'll choose the mallet, Got it. Had me scoring for a moment. Bugger
pound the crumble, sweep away the scree There is a false penultimacy here, ephasised by the line break and lack of punctuation. For me, there should not be. Why the break?

then spatula and slurry, slake
the wheel, then spatula again and nothing grips. Imagery master class

There is a marvel in the roll of blunger drips. A fine line...between jargon and jeopardy...I had to look up blunger but I still don't get the drips.
What hand formed these oily hills and what's beneath?"What hand" has the drama, but we want to know "whose"hand...and as it is certainly a hand that formed, perhaps for meter's sake we you could drop the hand in favour of " Who formed these oily hills and what's beneath?"
I could try again or take a break
or taste the clay dust on my teeth. Are we in an either/or situation here? ...or take a break to sluice the clay dust from my teeth.

milo *(this was originally a 'study' done for a section of a larger poem but to me it seems to hold its own weight.)

You do make it difficult. The nits in this need a fine comb. I struggle to find them , not because they are hidden, but because they are few. Solid enough...I would say if it wasn't.
Very best,
tectak[/b]

[milo]

I apologise because I'm in a hurry, but my immediate suggestion is that you rethink your use of the word "creation" in S1 L3 -- it's one of those huge concepts that doesn't really give us much detail. Aside from that, to my ear it buggers up your meter

I lose the meter again in S3 L2 and "what hand formed" is to blame. It sounds as though I have an aversion to biblical references, I know! Still... I'd call that borderline cliche.

It's fascinating to see the origins of your other work and how it's evolved. You are correct in that this works as a stand-alone piece. Your command of sound makes this (mostly) pleasing to the ear, so the words seep into the brain.

You are dead on with the repetition of "creation". Needs to be form or mold or something nicely pottery evocative perhaps.

"what hand formed . ." I was hoping for a mental echo (not direct allusion) to Blake's "What immortal hand or eye . . ." but it might be too much of a stretch.

Thanks as always Leanne.

milo

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Potter's Wheel
(Creation)

What fool would leave creation up to me, Perfect rhetorical question...hugely unanswerable in Newtonian terms. Excellent.
to force my thumbs and palms across the palette? The palette? Seems strangely misplaced. Potter-palette? Hmmmm
If creation wavers in the make
I'll choose the mallet, Got it. Had me scoring for a moment. Bugger
pound the crumble, sweep away the scree There is a false penultimacy here, ephasised by the line break and lack of punctuation. For me, there should not be. Why the break?

then spatula and slurry, slake
the wheel, then spatula again and nothing grips. Imagery master class

There is a marvel in the roll of blunger drips. A fine line...between jargon and jeopardy...I had to look up blunger but I still don't get the drips.
What hand formed these oily hills and what's beneath?"What hand" has the drama, but we want to know "whose"hand...and as it is certainly a hand that formed, perhaps for meter's sake we you could drop the hand in favour of " Who formed these oily hills and what's beneath?"
I could try again or take a break
or taste the clay dust on my teeth. Are we in an either/or situation here? ...or take a break to sluice the clay dust from my teeth.

milo *(this was originally a 'study' done for a section of a larger poem but to me it seems to hold its own weight.)

You do make it difficult. The nits in this need a fine comb. I struggle to find them , not because they are hidden, but because they are few. Solid enough...I would say if it wasn't.
Very best,
tectak[/b]

Thanks.

Blunger drips are those rolls that form if you pour enough times. They can look strangely beautiful, but for someone desperately trying to 'create' art, you have to wonder, who created those?


As for the end, consider yourself as a poet and you are writing but it is not working so you crumple up your sheet of paper and get a fresh sheet so now you have a choice: you could start over again, or you could take a break: maybe water your garden or do your dishes. There is a third option, you can sit there and stare at your crumpled up pieces of paper and kind of bask in your failure for a while (taste the clay dust on your teeth).

thanks again

milo

[Leanne]

I got a bit of Jerusalem from that line actually, so maybe it's Blake all round and you're buying

[milo]

I got a bit of Jerusalem from that line actually, so maybe it's Blake all round and you're buying

Yah, I saw that and I kind of liked your read. Too much hort in my hortatorium do you think?

milo

[Leanne]

Perhaps too much hor, the t seems fine. Though it has a fearful simmer, t...

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PS. I really am trying to think up some suggestions for you, never fear...