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03-22-2013, 05:31 AM
(This post was last modified: 03-22-2013, 05:56 AM by Leanne.)
She is seeded, but her sleep is
not neatly bound in beds –
it spreads over rock and rill,
sprinkling sudden blooms
in sharp cut lawns
Her head rises to catch
the unscented breeze –
she will not let it pass
without a perfumed gift
for those she is yet to meet
In every sense
she sweeps the earth
with her wild song
*A gift for a lovely lady and a fine poet
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Can you not relate to her, the wild Dandelion woman? The subtle alliteration you use here makes this poem sing to her. She does not conform; she is beautiful but her beauty is not defined by any earthly parameters; she is generous and her greatest gift is of herself. The middle stanza is my favorite part, though all is incredibly lovely and I cannot offer one tiny suggestion, except to say please never change a single word of it.
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hi leanne
(03-22-2013, 05:31 AM)Leanne Wrote: She is seeded, but her sleep is
not neatly bound in beds –
don't know that the 'but' works. Not really a contrast between the 2 that I can discern.
it spreads over rock and rill,
sprinkling sudden blooms
in sharp cut lawn
most of the poem is too well formed to be skipping articles. might just make it 'lawns'.
Her head rises to catch
the unscented breeze –
she will not let it pass
without a perfumed gift
for those she is yet to meet
this is all fine except for possibly 'gift' which feels too . .hrr m m m . . . pedestrian?
In every sense
she sweeps the earth
with her wild song
maybe trim the last line, don't really see what it adds. was this to be a musical number?
all in all a quite 'well mannered' poem. A pleasant little read.
*A gift for a lovely lady and a fine poet
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Cheers milo... I actually thought I had "lawns", damn those typos. Now, about that but  ... it should convey the difference between a neat row of pansies and those dreaded weeds that just won't stay where they're supposed to (ie somewhere else). Any suggestions?
Amy, thank you -- and yes, I always relate best to things that aren't constrained by someone else's notion of what ought to be.
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(03-22-2013, 05:56 AM)Leanne Wrote: Cheers milo... I actually thought I had "lawns", damn those typos. Now, about that but ... it should convey the difference between a neat row of pansies and those dreaded weeds that just won't stay where they're supposed to (ie somewhere else). Any suggestions?
Amy, thank you -- and yes, I always relate best to things that aren't constrained by someone else's notion of what ought to be.
The problem occurs with but because your reader /knows/ you are talking dandelions from the start (titles and all) and those lions are most famous for their seeds, perhaps /more/ famous than pansies.
If you want to keep the contrast you are going to have to force a couple intro lines, perhaps extolling the virtuous propriety of those well-mannered pansies.
Unfortunately, re-reading a couple more times has brought your confused "it" (s1l3) to my mind. If "it" is the seeds, it should be plural, if "it" is our lady of lions, well, hell, she was a she not that long ago, what happened to addressing her more politely?
ahhh . . . well.
milo
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"It" is the sleep, bloody hell, I know what I'm on about! grumble grumble... I wouldn't really stick her in the dirt 
I will look at it. It's just a quickie so far, and will warrant some going over.
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(03-22-2013, 08:03 AM)Leanne Wrote: "It" is the sleep, bloody hell, I know what I'm on about! grumble grumble... I wouldn't really stick her in the dirt
I will look at it. It's just a quickie so far, and will warrant some going over.
yah, I guess that works, your anthromorphised sleep roaming around in the night like a crazed wallaby or whatever.
hrrmmm...
looking for the forest but the trees blocked my view I guess.
milo
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Meh. If it's that hard to get to, it needs work. I'll let it sit a day or two and then attack it 
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Will Dockery
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(03-22-2013, 05:56 AM)Leanne Wrote: Cheers milo... I actually thought I had "lawns", damn those typos. Now, about that but ... it should convey the difference between a neat row of pansies and those dreaded weeds that just won't stay where they're supposed to (ie somewhere else). Any suggestions?
Amy, thank you -- and yes, I always relate best to things that aren't constrained by someone else's notion of what ought to be.
Indeed, the Dandelion Woman is mercurial, hard to pin down...
"Blow away Dandelion..."
Did someone say she's apt to lose her head?
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