(03-21-2013, 04:05 AM)Carile Wrote: Forsythia calling boldly for new breath. Flowers
They would cower ; now offering
Their soft sulfur.
Gardener and the sky, both watching, staying close.
A flock of thorns. Clay pots and crowns. Ivy's embrace
Versus rosebud.
Leaning over the fence he sees
Life hundreds of stories lower.
City still living in the night,
Neon lights are shouting.
There is some nice imagery here but some weird construction and confusion as well.
L1 - I would say switch calling for calls
L2 - flowers "they would" cower makes me wait for an "except". Here I think you add it so as not to say "flowers cower", thankfully, but there must be a defter way to do this.
L4 - Flowers offer soft sulfer? Maybe pronoun confusion here.
L5 is fine. Not sure what the double spacing is offering.
L6 - fine as well. Not usually a fan myself of "fragment list poetry" but I see it is in vogue.
L7 - can't remember if rosebud was the horse or carriage.
Did you know the tallest building in the world isn't hundreds of stories tall? Just some random trivia there.
City still living in the night evokes "City" as a proper name being grammatically that is the only correct construct. Reminds me of children who name their cats "cat" or their horses "pony". Am I getting off topic? Maybe. I suppose I don't see a reason to exclude an article or reference phrasing such as "there is a city".
Well, just my thoughts, eat them in good health.
milo
