The Dispossession

[cocoisland]

I've stitched parts of this poem together over time and it feels a bit messy, so I'd really appreciate any comments or suggestions. (The name is also open).


I woke to wine-stained floor upon my face,
And to one side:
A leather-bound red notebook
To which ink had been applied.

I glimpsed a great monstrosity
And at the contents groaned.
"Stand clear of that atrocity!"
A man in blue intoned.

He voiced my page in golden tones,
This stout moustache-d man,
Yet as he read
My innards bled
And so my charge began.

"For assonance under the influence,
For plastered poetic pursuit;
For drunken stagnation - AND
A-lliteration
With ethered enjambment to boot.

"For SIX cases of repetition
In a clearly unstable condition,
For lightheaded litanies, plus:
Unreferenced allusion
In a state of confusion
On top of the banjaxed cadence..

"Chronic hyperbole,
Sloshed as a simile,
(Hammered, man-handling
the sin of synecdoche)
This couplet and those that ensue
When put to the test
Do more than suggest
Said ingested exceeded 'a few'."

To contest above refrain?
Alas I tried in vain.
Hence came a final breath,
My literary death:

"For the worst of all offences,
Rhyming while inebriated;
Consider your poetic license
Hereby terminated."

[NakedBear]

Haha. With that many infractions, your title ought to be: "And rightfully so!"

Pretty good.

Transition from S2 to S3 has the word 'tone' repeated so close together that it detracts from the read. It seems safe to change S3 L1.

The last stanza is direct speech from the blue man, who was described only once a ways further up, and I had kind of forgot he was the one speaking (not actually forgot, but he wasn't really 'present'). Maybe inject some relish in his manor, as he pronounces doom over yet another drunk and reckless poet.

Just my thoughts. Fun read.

Mikey.