Sedate

[Rodthegod]

So allow yourself to unwind,
and take a load off your mind,
My words sedate your soul,
and let you know you'll be just fine,

My hypothesis is life was made,
to challenge your strength,
It could be my imagination,
but the bullshit feels like weights,

My theory about all this,
would have me running on a tangent,
But I'm the authority on my own life,
so I hope that you can stand it,

Finding a resolution,
is always done with cogency,
I hate to use big words,
but it gets done with efficacy,

Which is nice because it's smooth,
and uses very little force,
My foundation is absolute,
I'm never running off my course,

Humble moments hold me down,
so I say thank god for gravity,
Because I truly love myself,
isn't really good grounds for hating me,

The point is to live your life,
which is hard when I am your focus,
like your hate for me carries potency,
do you really want to smoke this,

I pack a punch through my words alone,
when I focus my brainpower,
A punch so solid it hurts me,
and my face starts to turn sour,

I'm living wrong but it feels right,
when passion's my motivation,
I carry the strength of a train,
as I go from station to station,

So allow yourself to unwind,
and take a load off your mind,
My words sedate your soul,
and let you know you'll be just fine,

What can I say,
I always wanted my life to have substance,
To carry weight and have more meaning,
letting go of bullshit,

And this is the beginning,
like a foreword to my life,
I feel serenity,
therefore I know I'll be alright,

What really keeps me going,
is the support I get from family,
From childhood to adulthood,
they have always seen the man in me,

Which now strengthens my passion,
to make sure they'll be ok,
The fuel to my aspirations,
every night and every day,

Staying focused all the time,
no matter how great the temptation,
I want the beatitude in life,
and that's my daily motivation,

Oh how great it would feel,
to have peace three sixty five,
Discrimination and stable morals,
are what's keeping me alive,

Slowly learning to let go,
I can't control things all the time,
My resolution through events,
lets me know I'll be just fine,

Having sympathy for others,
the same way I received mine,
Forgiveness is the key,
as I'm living this life of mine,

So allow yourself to unwind,
and take a load off your mind,
My words sedate your soul,
and let you know you'll be just fine,

[NakedBear]

Hey Rodthegod.

I think your taking a swing at too many topics in this poem. Pick a smaller theme, and be sure the narrator and the object/people he speaks on are fleshed out a bit more. Right now I know very little about the narrator and the person he's speaking to, and it makes it hard to care about either of them.

Pick details which are very specific to them and have immediate bearing on the theme you've picked.

Mikey.

[Rodthegod]

Thank you naked bear I really appreciate you feedback.

[saeity]

Hi Rodthegod, I must admit I took one look at the length of this and nearly ran the other way, read the first two lines aloud, can you hear the internal rhythm, if you decide to rhyme a piece you need to have meter, the first two lines are fine hope this helps

So allow yourself to unwind and take a load off your mind,
my words sedate your soul and let you know you'll be just fine.
My hypothesis is life was made to challenge your strength
It could be my imagination but the bullshit feels like weights,

saeity.

[Rodthegod]

Thank you saeity I really appreciate your feedback.