Crazy hot

[Todd]

Make no changes while torn. Let it sit for a few weeks.

[tmanzano]

Make no changes while torn. Let it sit for a few weeks.

Eight years later and here I am again... Still working through this one. 

Sorry I haven't been back in a while... a LONG while. In this time I have walked away and have been back to this piece. I kept picking at this one like a scab. 

 Todd, you had suggested a foundational stanza (2) line break and it burned into my mind. I liked the implications and seemed to have restructured my entire piece here from it. I want to share what I have reworked and see if it drifts too far off the original and loses anything, however I think it is better organized this way. It flows better in my minds eye.

Let me know what you think. Thanks again. 



The man down the hall

watches me leave every morning.

I catch him staring at me.

 

I smile and wave, he throws rocks

through his own windows;

I would like to avoid him today.

 

I do like it when he grows      --- Here being the line break you suggested. 

flowers in spring - seems to

smile more those days.

 

His pill boxes overflow in Zinnia,

reminds me of a wedding.

 

In winter we shovel salt.

He is subdued by the heavy air.

 

Thick mustaches and beards

make for small talk - chit chat.

 

This summer has been crazy hot,

filled with people scampering about

like ants under glass - like

 

the hum of Cicada in the trees;

voices in manic phase.

 

Those evenings he paces in circles,

screaming at me with his ice black eyes,

electrically peering through me,

in me, from me.

 

I slap my face with water,

bite my arms, and pull glass from my forehead

because it's summer in my bathroom mirror.

 

I don't think I can take

the medication tonight;
I'm trying not to stare at him.

[Knot]

.
Hi tmanzano,
the piece improves with each revision.
There are a few too many unnecessary pronouns, for me, and I think it might flow better without lines 14-15
(what's the difference between 'chit chat' and 'small talk'?) and lines 23-24. Also, I think line 27 offers a much
more satisfactory ending (it's a great line )



Some cut and paste suggestions.



The man down the hall
watches me leave
every morning. I catch him

staring. I smile and wave
he throws rocks
through his own windows

today I would like to avoid him.                (you've two 'likes' in close proximity)

Each winter we shovel salt.
He becomes(?) subdued
by the heavy air.                                        (feels like you could elaborate this, just a little)

His pill boxes overflow
in Zinnia, reminding me                            (curious about the 'in', wondered if it should be 'with'?)
of a wedding.

I like it when he grows
flowers in spring - then
he seems to smile more

Summer's crazy hot,
people scampering
like ants under glass - like                        (why the 'like' at the end of the line?
                                                                   I think 'ants' implies a large number so you don't need 'filled with')
like Cicada-hum
in the trees, like voices
in manic phase.

Those evenings he paces
screaming, in circles
with ice black eyes

I don't think I can take the medication tonight

I slap my face with water,
bite my arms
pull glass
from my forehead
try not to stare
at him.

because it's summer in my bathroom mirror.



Best, Knot

.

[tmanzano]

.
Hi tmanzano,
the piece improves with each revision.
There are a few too many unnecessary pronouns, for me, and I think it might flow better without lines 14-15
(what's the difference between 'chit chat' and 'small talk'?) and lines 23-24. Also, I think line 27 offers a much
more satisfactory ending (it's a great line )



Some cut and paste suggestions.



The man down the hall
watches me leave
every morning. I catch him

staring. I smile and wave
he throws rocks
through his own windows

today I would like to avoid him.                (you've two 'likes' in close proximity)

Each winter we shovel salt.
He becomes(?) subdued
by the heavy air.                                        (feels like you could elaborate this, just a little)

His pill boxes overflow
in Zinnia, reminding me                            (curious about the 'in', wondered if it should be 'with'?)
of a wedding.

I like it when he grows
flowers in spring - then
he seems to smile more

Summer's crazy hot,
people scampering
like ants under glass - like                        (why the 'like' at the end of the line?
                                                                   I think 'ants' implies a large number so you don't need 'filled with')
like Cicada-hum
in the trees, like voices
in manic phase.

Those evenings he paces
screaming, in circles
with ice black eyes

I don't think I can take the medication tonight

I slap my face with water,
bite my arms
pull glass
from my forehead
try not to stare
at him.

because it's summer in my bathroom mirror.



Best, Knot

.

Knot, thank you. A lot to take at once. I will get back to this a bite at a time.

One thing though you may not be seeing and I may not have made clear enough, as I tried to tie in the beginning stanza's with the last, is that there are not two people.

He is the same person. So, "I catch him staring at me" in the beginning and "I'm trying not to look at him" at the end. Now bring in the mirror. When I used, "THIS summer has been crazy hot" I wanted to convey a repetition of this cycle. That it happens more than once and left to the reader to decide how often or for how long it may have been happening. I use the seasons to, hopefully, indicate a seasonal up and down in mood and demeaner. Seasonal depression. A very real thing. 

Maybe this might read differently now... Some of your suggestions instantly made sense to me. I immediately thought that some were down right brilliant. However, the ending does not work at all for me. I think with the new information that might help answer why. Also, your writing style seems to differ from mine in many ways... The tone is lost and it feels chopped up. Too linear. This really gets me thinking and I thank you for that.  

Like I said, a lot to take in here. 

Thank you so much for your critique. Really.

[TranquillityBase]

Hey, I was just catching up here.  Read your response to Knot.  Reading the poem several times, I think you need maybe a mirror somewhere earlier to make this key piece of the puzzle, that there is only one person available to the reader.  It could be a very oblique reference, so your ending's impact is retained.  If not a mirror, some other way for the reader to detect or suspect it's only one person.

something like:

He's always there when I am
in that hallway

(a very poor and quickly tossed out example)

[tmanzano]

Hey, I was just catching up here.  Read your response to Knot.  Reading the poem several times, I think you need maybe a mirror somewhere earlier to make this key piece of the puzzle, that there is only one person available to the reader.  It could be a very oblique reference, so your ending's impact is retained.  If not a mirror, some other way for the reader to detect or suspect it's only one person.

something like:

He's always there when I am
in that hallway

(a very poor and quickly tossed out example)

Yes, I see. I will give this thought. The how is a troublesome one.

[Knot]

.

Hi tmanzano.

there are not two people.

No, this was clear, at least in your last revision, even allowing for the 'misdirection' of 'down the hall'.

Just a thought(s)

I catch him staring

every morning, watching

me leave. I smile

...

or

Every morning I catch him

staring, watching me leave

...

or

Every morning he watches

me leave.  Staring.  I smile

...

I tried to tie in the beginning stanza's with the last.

I was trying to tie it to the title

"THIS summer has been crazy hot" I wanted to convey a repetition of this cycle. That it happens more than once and left to the reader to decide how often or for how long it may have been happening.

Yes, got that (though wondered what happened to fall/autumn) - if you were going for cyclic shouldn't the verse order be summer/fall/winter/spring/THIS summer ... ?

your writing style seems to differ from mine

I would hope so! Be very boring if we all wrote the same way

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

I had one last thought:

"He throws rocksthrough his windows
that land on my bed/kitchen table whatever..."

now I will shut up.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey tman-

I worked one poem over a period of 12 years, so you are not alone.  I have also gone back to other poems and either made them "better", or permanently screwed them up.  That said, there comes a time to cut them loose.  Sometimes simply starting over can do the trick: try not to stay married to an idea when divorcing yourself from it is the better option. 

I think part of the issue you're having here is establishing one person with two distinct voices (and which one is real).

Relating the cycles of manic depression to the seasons is a very good idea, yet that presents its own, separate issues.

I do know the feeling: why let an idea drive me crazy when I'm close enough to walk?

...Mark

[tmanzano]

.

Hi tmanzano.

there are not two people.

No, this was clear, at least in your last revision, even allowing for the 'misdirection' of 'down the hall'.

Just a thought(s)

I catch him staring

every morning, watching

me leave. I smile

...

or

Every morning I catch him

staring, watching me leave

...

or

Every morning he watches

me leave.  Staring.  I smile

...

I tried to tie in the beginning stanza's with the last.

I was trying to tie it to the title

"THIS summer has been crazy hot" I wanted to convey a repetition of this cycle. That it happens more than once and left to the reader to decide how often or for how long it may have been happening.

Yes, got that (though wondered what happened to fall/autumn) - if you were going for cyclic shouldn't the verse order be summer/fall/winter/spring/THIS summer ... ?

your writing style seems to differ from mine

I would hope so! Be very boring if we all wrote the same way

Best, Knot

.

Oh my goodness, me too! How boring it would in fact be is so true. 

As to the suggestions... I find I really enjoy the cadence of the piece. I have them set this way to match up the stanzas cadence with like thoughts. 

I feel this is coming to an end. I cannot find what I could do better, with my skills that is. 

I will still not leave it off the table for now. 

Thank you so much for your comments here. It really has helped.

---

I had one last thought:

"He throws rocksthrough his windows
that land on my bed/kitchen table whatever..."

now I will shut up.

Never shut up... I love the thought and ideas. It allows me to gage my arrangements. 

Thank you very much for them.

---

Hey tman-

I worked one poem over a period of 12 years, so you are not alone.  I have also gone back to other poems and either made them "better", or permanently screwed them up.  That said, there comes a time to cut them loose.  Sometimes simply starting over can do the trick: try not to stay married to an idea when divorcing yourself from it is the better option. 

I think part of the issue you're having here is establishing one person with two distinct voices (and which one is real).

Relating the cycles of manic depression to the seasons is a very good idea, yet that presents its own, separate issues.

I do know the feeling: why let an idea drive me crazy when I'm close enough to walk?

...Mark

Well there you go... I feel I am in fact done here. Thank you for your comments are very poignant. It has hit home. 

Based on the comments recently I think it has what it needs albeit somewhat of a reach and slightly veiled. I believe I like that. 

Thank you all so very very much. I will not pick at this scab anymore. It is finished.

---

.

Hi tmanzano.

there are not two people.

No, this was clear, at least in your last revision, even allowing for the 'misdirection' of 'down the hall'.

Just a thought(s)

I catch him staring

every morning, watching

me leave. I smile

...

or

Every morning I catch him

staring, watching me leave

...

or

Every morning he watches

me leave.  Staring.  I smile

...

I tried to tie in the beginning stanza's with the last.

I was trying to tie it to the title

"THIS summer has been crazy hot" I wanted to convey a repetition of this cycle. That it happens more than once and left to the reader to decide how often or for how long it may have been happening.

Yes, got that (though wondered what happened to fall/autumn) - if you were going for cyclic shouldn't the verse order be summer/fall/winter/spring/THIS summer ... ?

your writing style seems to differ from mine

I would hope so! Be very boring if we all wrote the same way

Best, Knot

.

Oh my goodness, me too! How boring it would in fact be is so true. 

As to the suggestions... I find I really enjoy the cadence of the piece. I have them set this way to match up the stanzas cadence with like thoughts. 

I feel this is coming to an end. I cannot find what I could do better, with my skills that is. 

I will still not leave it off the table for now. 

Thank you so much for your comments here. It really has helped.

---

I had one last thought:

"He throws rocksthrough his windows
that land on my bed/kitchen table whatever..."

now I will shut up.

Never shut up... I love the thought and ideas. It allows me to gage my arrangements. 

Thank you very much for them.

---

Hey tman-

I worked one poem over a period of 12 years, so you are not alone.  I have also gone back to other poems and either made them "better", or permanently screwed them up.  That said, there comes a time to cut them loose.  Sometimes simply starting over can do the trick: try not to stay married to an idea when divorcing yourself from it is the better option. 

I think part of the issue you're having here is establishing one person with two distinct voices (and which one is real).

Relating the cycles of manic depression to the seasons is a very good idea, yet that presents its own, separate issues.

I do know the feeling: why let an idea drive me crazy when I'm close enough to walk?

...Mark

Well there you go... I feel I am in fact done here. Thank you for your comments are very poignant. It has hit home. 

Based on the comments recently I think it has what it needs albeit somewhat of a reach and slightly veiled. I believe I like that. 

Thank you all so very very much. I will not pick at this scab anymore. It is finished.

Final Edit submitted at beginning of thread. Some of the suggestions gather here juts recently were taken in and were very helpful. 

Thanks again.