TheArtDisarray
Unregistered
My feelings towards my tactic of blocking the bad memories I own.
First Revision
Emptiness
Emptiness owns more than one breed,
shifting forms, even into anger and rage.
Mine sleeps inside of me,
a comforting friend.
A ravenous parasite.
A deadly lover.
It lures me with promises of acceptance.
Weakens me with whispers of love.
Seduces me with its beautiful facade.
I run to it, hope flowing from me like blood,
only to find that its name rings true.
The promises fade to lies.
Love cracks and falls away to expose hatred.
Beauty deteriorates into something monstrous.
All it ever was,
all it will be,
all it can be...
Empty.
Original Version
Emptiness
Emptiness owns more than one breed,
shifting forms, even into anger and rage.
Mine sleeps inside of me,
a comforting friend.
A murderous parasite.
A deadly lover.
It lures me with promises of acceptance.
Of love.
Of beauty.
I run to it, hope flowing from me like blood,
only to find that its name rang true.
All it ever was, is emptiness.
It is all I ever was.
I am empty.
Posts: 100
Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
(This is my first few minutes here, so forgive me if I lack knowledge of the protocol. )
A compelling poem and heartfelt. The original and inherent dichotomy, of course, is that your poem about emptiness is generated by feelings of being full of repressed memories. That has a lot of potential to add interest, in my mind.
May i suggest that you check your tense change between line 10 and line 11? There would be more impact if you stayed in the present tense and "its name rings true" etc. Having been a victim and having spent light years dealing with repressed memories, let me assure you that I am sympathetic to the theme. I think that perhaps my only cognitive stumble in the poem was in line 5... murderous parasite seems like a contradiction in terms. Would you consider "ravenous parasite"? That way, the destruction of the emptiness is inflicted on you, the vessel for the emptiness.
Posts: 59
Threads: 11
Joined: Mar 2013
I tend to gravitate to the tortured poet, this being no exception. The first stanza resonates with me well and has easy identification for the reader. I agree with softlyfalling about line 5. The suggestion seems appropriate. "Deadly lover" leaves a very good ominous tone. The next stanza seems to loose its rhythm for me. Maybe leaving out the "of" before love and beauty, although, I do like the presence of this line. Then "rang true" loses me a bit. The line seems out of place. The ending has some powerful thoughts running through it. Just needs a little sorting out for me. The last line could be dropped. I like the style and power of your ideas. This is my first critique and apologize for any faux pas or breech of protocol here. Thank you for posting your work. I enjoyed the read.
This is a very honest poem, and easy to relate to... very nice contrast between comforting and negative emotions.
Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2013
Emptiness
Emptiness owns more than one breed,
shifting forms, even into anger and rage.
Mine sleeps inside of me,
a comforting friend.
A murderous parasite.
A deadly lover.
<- I really like these three lines, maybe remove the "a" though from each line. The vision gives life to the feeling of emptiness, and I can sense its form.
It lures me with promises of acceptance.
Of love.
Of beauty.
I run to it, hope flowing from me like blood,
only to find that its name rang true.
All it ever was, is emptiness.
It is all I ever was.
<-maybe remove the is from before emptiness, but I love the marriage like visual. Great job.. I like the sense of form to the poem.. keep it up..[/color]
I am empty.
[/quote]
Posts: 27
Threads: 6
Joined: Mar 2013
(03-17-2013, 03:30 PM)TheArtDisarray Wrote: My feelings towards my tactic of blocking the bad memories I own.
Emptiness
Emptiness owns more than one breed,
shifting forms, even into anger and rage.
Mine sleeps inside of me,
a comforting friend.
A murderous parasite.
A deadly lover.
It lures me with promises of acceptance.
Of love.
Of beauty.
I run to it, hope flowing from me like blood,
only to find that its name rang true.
All it ever was, is emptiness.
It is all I ever was.
I am empty.
Hi
I loved this from the second part of the second line
when my mind changed the wording.
I hope you don't mind that I wroten a version
for many of us has kicked cans in our minds.
That's harsh I know.
I can't think of a title(Disable Smiles)
Your a good writer glad to have you around.
I'm new here my self.
Regards
Mattie
TheArtDisarray
Unregistered
Thank you all so much for your critique, I hope that my revision clears a few things up.
