Early in the Game

[tjs2465]

It was early in the game
Most definitely too early
The sun was high and hot
Sweat seeping out my pores

The pitcher threw a wild knuckle ball
I watched it, unsure of what to do
Then gripped my bat tight
And swung uncontrollably, yet strong

Connection was assuredly made
The ball soared amidst swooning birds
It soared long and far
Over the wall it went, beyond return

I took my lap
Around the bases firmly strode
Assuming my victory rode
I'd just as soon retire happy as I'd take that lap again

[Todd]

Hi tjs,

A couple comments for you. I keep looking for the hook to build around with this one. Its probably hidden in some variation of the knuckleball line and the last line. In my opinion, you need to focus more on the ephemeral moment and the themes. There's a lot of things obscuring the poem such as a lot of repetition of early in the title and first few lines. Also, I'd encourage you to dig deeper on your observations. You can do better than he sun was high and hot.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

It was early in the game
Most definitely too early
The sun was high and hot
Sweat seeping out my pores

The pitcher threw a wild knuckle ball
I watched it, unsure of what to do
Then gripped my bat tight
And swung uncontrollably, yet strong

Connection was assuredly made
The ball soared amidst swooning birds
It soared long and far
Over the wall it went, beyond return

I took my lap
Around the bases firmly strode
Assuming my victory rode
I'd just as soon retire happy as I'd take that lap again