My very first post, so here is my very first poem.

[TheArtDisarray]

My first attempt at poetry at age 13(almost 11 years ago). This was mere months after I recovered from the catatonia that the recent abuse had caused me. It is a very dark poem.

Hollow Dreams

I'm shattered, broken, no longer of use.
So throw me out like the garbage I am.

My screams mean nothing, my tears mean nothing,
and my blood is just another stain on your carpet.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I could never live up to the expectations.
Not strong enough.
Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.

I was always just an outlet for your rage.

Nothing more, nothing less.

My death is just another tally on your wall.
My inner desperation is just a scar on my wrist.
My weakness is just another broken bone you caused.
My soul is just an empty hole.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The screams were never loud enough.
The knife was never sharp enough.
The pills were never strong enough.

My pain was just an empty cry.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Despair was just another shallow tear.
Another sign you ignored.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Now as I lay here dying,
you plot ways to kill me.
Just another corpse in your mind.
Just another heart you destroyed.

Nothing more, nothing less.

[tjs2465]

I think you have some very strong emotional content here and it has a lot of potential to make a strong poem.

That being said, I think the one main weakness is the organization and flow of the poem. Everything seems a bit erratic at the moment. Maybe if you just took some time to think more about the organization and structure you could make this a much stronger piece.

[Todd]

Hey for something you wrote at 13 this is very good. If you choose to edit it with adult eyes I would suggest you look for opportunities to add imagery. You have a lot of places where you make statements like not strong enough. Perhaps show an image that expresses what the abuser meant. You can layer it so both perspectives are at odds with one another. Also, I think the length steals the power look to cut out redundancies so you can focus the intensity more.

Just some thoughts,

Todd

My first attempt at poetry at age 13(almost 11 years ago). This was mere months after I recovered from the catatonia that the recent abuse had caused me. It is a very dark poem.

Hollow Dreams

I'm shattered, broken, no longer of use.
So throw me out like the garbage I am.

My screams mean nothing, my tears mean nothing,
and my blood is just another stain on your carpet.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I could never live up to the expectations.
Not strong enough.
Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.

I was always just an outlet for your rage.

Nothing more, nothing less.

My death is just another tally on your wall.
My inner desperation is just a scar on my wrist.
My weakness is just another broken bone you caused.
My soul is just an empty hole.

Nothing more, nothing less.

The screams were never loud enough.
The knife was never sharp enough.
The pills were never strong enough.

My pain was just an empty cry.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Despair was just another shallow tear.
Another sign you ignored.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Now as I lay here dying,
you plot ways to kill me.
Just another corpse in your mind.
Just another heart you destroyed.

Nothing more, nothing less.