Moon-Woman Cuts the Circle

[Todd]

Heat ripples the night, and the moon
is blown from her lips in blue smoke,
in the shed blood of dreams, and a crone's memory
of forgotten days of beauty spent
gazing upon still water.

[Leanne]

This has a beautifully organic feel to it, almost pantheistic. The inversion of natural orders, such as the moon originating in smoke rather than smoke covering the moon, centres the entire universe on this one old woman. Specifically blue smoke reminds me of the Cailleach, but that's just an association I'm prone to make given where my interests lie -- when I couple that with the crone, I get an essential rebirth image. After all, the threefold goddess was and will be young and beautiful.

The visual image of a moon hanging in mist above a still lake is exquisite, especially when one adds in an old woman looking backwards to her morning. It's lovely, Todd, and I don't think I can suggest a single change.

[brandontoh]

Heat ripples the night, and the moon -- Maybe it's because I'm not a very worldly person and never been out of Singapore before, but 'heat ripples the night' is quite a weird image. I don't really get how it's possible, and it feels kind of surreal. Maybe that's what you're going for, but it's kind of iffy in my opinion.
is blown from her lips in blue smoke, -- Nice imagery here though.
in the shed blood of dreams, and a crone's memory -- Here too.
of forgotten days of beauty spent -- I think this line can be better phrased. 'A crone's memory of forgotten days...' is kind of an oxymoron. Also, this may be just me, but I don't really like having multiple 'of's in a line/sentence. In my opinion it makes the line sound a little... artificial.
gazing upon still water.

Also, the enjambment from line 1 feels a little weak. I'd cut the line off at 'is blown' instead. Just personal opinion.

A very enjoyable read though, so thanks for that, and I hope I'm of help! =)

[billy]

Heat ripples the night, and the moon
is blown from her lips in blue smoke,
in the shed blood of dreams, and a crone's memory
of forgotten days of beauty spent is the 1st 'of' needed?
gazing upon still water.

i think the opening line excellent. makes it feel i'm watching a mirage, the next metaphore works well for drifting clouds.
it reminds me of a film called the long ships where some hags asks

"Odin, send the wind and turn the tide" tony curtis ahd been tied to the rocks in order for him to drown by incoming tide

anyway, back to the poem. it has that runic quality. it also reminds me snow white, which i know you're partial too. (the gazing upon still water gave me that thought. i enjoyed it a lot.

[Bloggsworth]

When warm air rises it distorts the atmosphere; mirages always shimmer; as any photographer or sniper will tell you.
Apart from that, I'm not too happy with the farting moon, how else does it blow itself from its own lips? Perhaps a reordering of the words or logic, the rest of the poem is fine, but maybe "of forgotten dreams in beauty spent" in order to rid the line of 2 iterations of of.

[Todd]

Leanne: Thanks for the kind words and comments. I think this is actually an Ekphrastic poem. Though I remembered the thread you started too late. I may post the work that inspired it here. I'm not sure how that works exactly.

Brandon: Thanks for the comments. I'll give the "of lines" some consideration.

Billy: Appreciate the comments. Yep, I'll look at the of's and see where it goes.

Bloggsworth: Nice phrasing, I'll consider the suggestion. I wasn't looking to personify the moon. I had a different her in mind. I'll consider enhancing clarity on the edit.

Thank you all for the helpful comments.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Heat ripples the night, and the moon
is blown from her lips in blue smoke,
in the shed blood of dreams, and a crone's memory
of forgotten days of beauty spent
gazing upon still water.

Hi todd,
I confess that the imagery in this wins over any doubts I may have (and still have) over the content. I am not talking here about the quantity of content but about the certainty with which you imbue your work with "meaning". It makes me feel inadequate sometimes....but that will not stop me
OK. Yes, I think I can recall the wavering of distant objects as day-time heat rises above cooling earth. It ripples. I am proud of my interpretation...but it is the coming of a fall. It is that word "her". Who is she? Are we relating to an anthropomorphic "night", or is "she" a new character. Even on a re-read it escapes me.
So I am now at a disadvantage. Though I love dearly the imagery in "..blown from her lips in blue smoke.." I lose the need to question what it means, so I tumble forward in to the next line, and the next image...but as hard as I try I cannot link them as you may be intending; I am not for one moment saying that I am unable to link them at all...just that my interpretation is tenuously personal. Normally, this would be considered to be an acceptable state of affairs...critic interprets poem in wrong way...big deal. In this case, though, I think you have just missed giving me enough. I am not asking for more than enough. Just enough.
The next problem is the word "In" linked just too intimately with the word "shed". You can see where this is heading, I'm sure. Things go "in the shed". It is jolting to have to suddenly accept that shed is verby not nouny! I would change it...you may not.
Then we have the two "of" words. Next line. Not a crime. Easy to fix. What do you think?

Heat ripples the night.
The moon is blown from her lips
in blue smoke.
In the spilt blood of dreams,
a crone remembers
forgotten days of beauty,
spent gazing upon still water.

I have only tried to separate the "her" from the "night" by a change in punctuation. It may not be, as I began by saying, your intention. In fact, none of it may be your intention...but it is not my poem..it is yours.
Best,
tectak

[Todd]

Hi Tom,

As always, I appreciate your comments. You've come up with an elegant solution to some of the issues that I'll have to consider. Sort of a, is the cure worth it. It might be. I'll walk through what you say slowly while I edit, and see where it takes me.

Thank you,

Todd

[Heartafire]

Hi Tom,

As always, I appreciate your comments. You've come up with an elegant solution to some of the issues that I'll have to consider. Sort of a, is the cure worth it. It might be. I'll walk through what you say slowly while I edit, and see where it takes me.

Thank you,

Todd

Hoping it is not totally verboten to just say I love this, it is beautiful. If so, I shall suffer the lashes of a wet noodle (no pun, honestly).
heat at the surface, cool air above, produces a shimmering effect, an illusion? I imagine the water is the crone, I like it that way. Captivating writing Todd,
Heart

[Todd]

Hi Tom,

As always, I appreciate your comments. You've come up with an elegant solution to some of the issues that I'll have to consider. Sort of a, is the cure worth it. It might be. I'll walk through what you say slowly while I edit, and see where it takes me.

Thank you,

Todd

Hoping it is not totally verboten to just say I love this, it is beautiful. If so, I shall suffer the lashes of a wet noodle (no pun, honestly).
heat at the surface, cool air above, produces a shimmering effect, an illusion? I imagine the water is the crone, I like it that way. Captivating writing Todd,
Heart

Thank you Holly. I appreciate the kind words...(no lashes will be forthcoming)

[tectak]

Hi Tom,

As always, I appreciate your comments. You've come up with an elegant solution to some of the issues that I'll have to consider. Sort of a, is the cure worth it. It might be. I'll walk through what you say slowly while I edit, and see where it takes me.

Thank you,

Todd

Hoping it is not totally verboten to just say I love this, it is beautiful. If so, I shall suffer the lashes of a wet noodle (no pun, honestly).
heat at the surface, cool air above, produces a shimmering effect, an illusion? I imagine the water is the crone, I like it that way. Captivating writing Todd,
Heart

Thank you Holly. I appreciate the kind words...(no lashes will be forthcoming)

Bugger. I was about to offer a wet kipper.

[serge gurkski]

Todd posted:

Heat ripples the night, and the moon
is blown from her lips in blue smoke,
in the shed blood of dreams, and a crone's memory
of forgotten days of beauty spent
gazing upon still water.


Tom wrote:

"Heat ripples the night. 
The moon is blown from her lips
in blue smoke.
In the spilt blood of dreams,
a crone remembers
forgotten days of beauty,
spent gazing upon still water."

Hi Todd and Tom. I have read Todd's first or additional exhibition of his ekphrastic poem in Leanne's practising thread and in combination with the painting I could "make more sense" of Todd's surrealistic phrasings. It is neccessarily an individual take on Pollock's painting. Nothing wrong with that. There is some "hinting" done by Pollock because of the title he chose for his painting. I saw the moon woman (on the right hand side of the painting) crossing and thereby cutting the circle of the light the moon sheds. To me it looked more like an escape from her memories because they are blue ones.

I like Todd's metaphors of the night-rippling heat (I'd like to see this extended,) and the moon being blown out as blue smoke. (Oymoronic as Brandon wrote: Yes! It seems to have been Pollock's intention (see above: surrealistic)).

And here comes the surprise: I agree with Tom on "shed".
Quote: Things go "in the shed". It is jolting to have to suddenly accept that shed is verby not nouny! I would change it...you may not. Unquote.

I like Tom's suggestions (as suggestions, not solutions) quoted above,except for one or two of his poem's line breaks.): His take on Todd's take on Pollock's painting.

I love the musicality of Todd's poem.
I find the ekphrastic approach quite inspiring.
Thank you for the read!

cheers
Serge

[Leanne]

shed blood is correct though -- just like a snake can have shed skin -- it's not a noun, it's an adjective in this case or an adjectival noun group.

[saeity]

Really liking this tis a beautiful piece, feel rather unqualified to comment just another suggestion 'letting of blood in'

saeity.

[tectak]

shed blood is correct though -- just like a snake can have shed skin -- it's not a noun, it's an adjective in this case or an adjectival noun group.

leanne is of course correct in confirming that shed is correct. That,though, was not the point. Every dog has its day and dogs with short tails have weak ends is humorously correct.....but if you know what a week end is you know what a shed is
Best,
tectak

[milo]

Heat ripples the night, and the moon
is blown from her lips in blue smoke,
in the shed blood of dreams, and a crone's memory
of forgotten days of beauty spent
gazing upon still water.

Seems too many prepositions for such a short piece, gives it a weak, passive feel.

is blown = blown
in blue smoke = blue smoke
in the shed (someone mentioned the unintentional double meaning already (imagine enjambing this line?))
of dreams
of forgotten days
of beauty spent
upon still water

do we need the BIG POETIC abstractions dreams AND beauty here?
why not just suggest them with your imagery rather than literally evoke them in a media where they immediatley bring a cringe from your readers?

Heat ripples the night. The moon
is blue smoke blown from her lips,
etc . .

"shed blood of dreams" is one of those oh-so-poetic creations that reads great the first time we write it but always reads irredeemably naff when we run across it in our gothic teen daughter's poetry book.

Thanks for sharing.

[Todd]

The great thing about getting so many comments is it gives you a lot to consider and work on, the bad thing is you feel like you can't adequately thank people for the time they spent. So, thanks (even for the parts of speech discussion). Serge I'll go over your comments in detail when I sit down to edit this true first draft. Tom & Leanne thank you for the additional comments. Saeity thank you for the suggestion and the comments. Milo appreciate your feedback. I assure you the prepositional phrases are at the top of my list.

Thank you all again for taking the time.

Best,

Todd

[softlyfalling]

Hello Todd! Fancy meeting you here! (me...amy)
I love the natural, almost pagan, concupiscence of the theme and images. Or, perhaps the wantonness is only implied, expressed in reference to the past, a memory.
And these images and thoughts are created with skilled language, even the most banal action is elegantly expressed. The poem gave me a very real look into that scene, almost a tangible involvement.

[Todd]

Hi Amy,

Nice seeing you here. This is mostly where I am online. I appreciate the comments. I hope you like it here. Again, it's good to see you, so to speak.

Best,

Todd

[UnofficiallyMe]

I think the sucicent nature of your poem is critical to the whole of the poem. It creates a fragment of thought, and makes it solid..

I really like
"the moon is blown from her lips in blue smoke"

maybe use like instead of in the?