Simon in the Land of Chalk Outlines

[Todd]

Lines would shiver when it grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
for the things I draw come true.
Once, I sketched a girl I knew,
whose hands were silk within our mime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
Hours passed till I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
for the things I draw come true.
I made one, then she made two.
A village rose of chalk and grime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
A callow god with worship due
amidst the chants, the bells that chime
for the things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
Lines would shiver when it grew,
for the things I draw come true.



*Based on Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings

Slight Edit: Leanne suggested a smooth fix for L16-17.

[Leanne]

This show makes for a great bit of allegory.

Meter-wise, I find a bit of a bump here:

On this slate, I begin anew
to erase details of my crime

My suggestion would be:

(so) on this slate, I start anew,
erasing details of my crime

This just helps the rhymes to fall more naturally without rushing any words or altering pronunciation. It's not about syllable count -- this is more suited to accentual meter, to keep the four strong beats per line.

(I don't mean to be rude, but "hours passed till I withdrew" could sound a bit like bragging )

[Todd]

Thanks Leanne, The form doesn't come naturally to me. Let me do some of what you suggest. I felt that bump on the slate line when I read it too, I just wasn't sure what to do with it. I like your suggestion.

As to the hours passed...

Again see your point. Considered that point when I wrote it.

I felt he was sort of bragging. I could change it if it simply comes off as the author writing some "sexual healing" piece. I sort of felt here's Simon. He's been drawing these universes for the past 8 years. He probably isn't much outside of this land of chalk. In it though, he's sort of a big deal. He draws a girl, and then when he tells his story to his friends what's he going to day. He's no older than 16 in my mind here. I think of him more as an untrustworthy narrator. The form doesn't give me the space to develop that much. Open to suggestions if you can think of any.

So, in conclusion: What can I say, he's a young idiot.

[Leanne]

A young idiot with stamina

[Todd]

True. It doesn't say anything about the quality of the experience simply the duration. I guess if you can draw a smile on their face you can sort of guarantee a good time(I find the concept a little creepy which is probably what attracted me to the source material). There's a part of me that wonders if I needed to explore this in another form. The thing is though, I felt I needed a refrain...so there it is.

[Leanne]

You could also do with a comma at the end of the second last line.

[Todd]

Punctuation noted. Thanks

[milo]

Lines would shiver when it grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
for the things I draw come true.
Once, I sketched a girl I knew,
whose hands were silk within our mime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
Hours passed till I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
for the things I draw come true.
I made one, then she made two.
A village rose of chalk and grime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
A callow god with worship due
amidst the chants, the bells that chime
for the things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
Lines would shiver when it grew,
for the things I draw come true.



*Based on Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings

Slight Edit: Leanne suggested a smooth fix for L16-17.

Hi Todd

I run into problems reading this metrically due to the inconsistent switch between starting with an iamb or a trochee. To show what I mean, I have "padded" this to perfect iambic tetrameter. This is not to say this is a good idea, just some filler to show what syllables would be needed to achieve perfect meter:

(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
(because) the things I draw come true.
(One time), I sketched a girl I knew,
whose hands were silk within our mime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
(The) Hours (that) passed till I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
(Because) the things I draw come true.
I (started) one, then she made two.
A village rose of chalk and grime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
A callow god with worship due (an inversion here - just pointing it out)
amidst the chants, the bells that chime
(because) the things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew,
(because) the things I draw come true.

Like I said, not suggested "improvement" per se, just a note where you could add syllables if you wanted to achieve iambic tetrameter smoothly. If you did go that direction, you could replace my "padded" syllables with better choices.

Thanks for sharing, an interesting read.

milo

[Todd]

Thanks milo, I appreciate the time you spent with this. I'll give your feedback consideration upon edit.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Lines would shiver when it grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
for the things I draw come true.
Once, I sketched a girl I knew,
whose hands were silk within our mime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
Hours passed till I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
for the things I draw come true.
I made one, then she made two.
A village rose of chalk and grime.
Lines would shiver when it grew.
A callow god with worship due
amidst the chants, the bells that chime
for the things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
Lines would shiver when it grew,
for the things I draw come true.



*Based on Simon in the Land of Chalk Drawings

Slight Edit: Leanne suggested a smooth fix for L16-17.

Hi Todd

I run into problems reading this metrically due to the inconsistent switch between starting with an iamb or a trochee. To show what I mean, I have "padded" this to perfect iambic tetrameter. This is not to say this is a good idea, just some filler to show what syllables would be needed to achieve perfect meter:

(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
(because) the things I draw come true.
(One time), I sketched a girl I knew,
whose hands were silk within our mime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
(The) Hours (that) passed till I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
(Because) the things I draw come true.
I (started) one, then she made two.
A village rose of chalk and grime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew.
A callow god with worship due (an inversion here - just pointing it out)
amidst the chants, the bells that chime
(because) the things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
(The) Lines would shiver when it grew,
(because) the things I draw come true.

Like I said, not suggested "improvement" per se, just a note where you could add syllables if you wanted to achieve iambic tetrameter smoothly. If you did go that direction, you could replace my "padded" syllables with better choices.

Thanks for sharing, an interesting read.

milo

Hi todd,
Again, the concept king.
I am entirely with milo on this. To generate the meter you are finding "natural" to the piece, you should give it all respect. Milo is suggesting "inserts" to keep things smooth. That is what you must do. Graciously, he points out that the "padding" words are but suggestions...though a quick reading, out loud, will indicate clearly that far from making the piece bulky, the insertions cut the wind resistance down to such a degree that the concept flies through the air in an almost frictionless fashion.
My only "other" nit is the "it" device. L1 has one and this is your refrain. The unrelated "it" is one of my pet hates...but avoidance can be taxing. Your poem.
Best,
tectak

[Todd]

Hi Tom,

Where I ran into issues with this was the L2 refrain, for those familiar with the show L2 is the exact refrain--all 7 annoying syllables of it. I wasn't trying for perfect IT because I was trying to maintain the original lyric. The because that Milo suggested isn't a bad compromise and it would allow me to smooth lines out. That alone will probably fix some of the issues. I'll play around with it.

Which brings us to the it. I understand and sympathize with your point. The it provides me versatility as the context provides a different meaning each time accept as you've seen in line 1. There's no context in the beginning. I'm open to alternatives that allow a similar versatility. Again I'll give "it" some thought.

Best,

Todd

[milo]

Hi Tom,

Where I ran into issues with this was the L2 refrain, for those familiar with the show L2 is the exact refrain--all 7 annoying syllables of it. I wasn't trying for perfect IT because I was trying to maintain the original lyric. The because that Milo suggested isn't a bad compromise and it would allow me to smooth lines out. That alone will probably fix some of the issues. I'll play around with it.

Which brings us to the it. I understand and sympathize with your point. The it provides me versatility as the context provides a different meaning each time accept as you've seen in line 1. There's no context in the beginning. I'm open to alternatives that allow a similar versatility. Again I'll give "it" some thought.

Best,

Todd

Just watched the intro to the show. A compromise (and possibly an even more fitting suggestion might be to try ballad meter or "common" meter. It tends to suggest storybook or lyrical tunes. It alternates between tetrameter and trimeter. If you would indulge me one more time:

The Lines would shiver when it grew 4
The sky, so cold the world sublime 4
the things I draw come true. 3
One time, I sketched a girl I knew, 4
her hands were silk with mime. 3
Lines would shiver when it grew. 4
The hours till I withdrew 3
There was no ladder left to climb 4
The things I draw come true. 3
I started one, then she made two. 4
A town of chalk and grime. 3
The lines would shiver when it grew. 4
A god demands his due 3
amidst the chants, the bells that chime 4
The things I draw come true. 3
So, on this slate, I start anew 4
erase the past; my crime. 3
The lines would shiver when it grew, 4
the things I draw come true. 3

Now of course, once again, I wouldn't say make these specific substitutions, I just made them to quickly display what the /flow/ of the poem would be like as ballad meter. I actually like the flow but it does bring to surface the end-stopping so if you were to rewrite it as ballad, maybe a little more enjambment.

Either way, thank you for the chance to have this discussion.

milo

[Todd]

Milo, I think I like this direction a little more. I definitely need to experiment like this, and this discussion has been helpful to me. I'm glad you took the time to watch the intro, and I do like the storybook sort of meter idea. A lot to think about.

Thanks again,

Todd