Louching

[zxcv6789]

RE: Louching Edit #1
Louching

I begged my spirit
the valor to pour you neat:
your face to gush
and gush
then fall
blissfully,
those emerald eyes
to reflect in mine,
pull me down
deep.

It was the piss
and the vinegar
that put it on ice.

So your face fades
like a frost kissed pane
and high tales of you linger
in my doleful soul,
exposing:
tenderness
honesty
truth.

And now nothing will ever be as real.
Not even your spring-hued eyes.



Louching

I pour you neat.
Your face gushes
And gushes
Then falls flush.

Your eyes bat
Sparkling like emerald city
And just as bottomless at the core;
They pull me
Deep.

And as I wallow,
I bleed.
And your gaze turns to haze
Like a frost kissed pane.

And with this muteness
I have my way
With you.

You sink in me
Revealing:
Tenderness
Honesty
Truth…

With time
You’ll die.
And high tales of you
will taunt my spirit
Where you’ll linger.

& Then nothing will ever be as real.
Not even your spring-hued eyes.

[Todd]

Hi, here are some comments for you:

Great title. So, if this is meant as a metaphor, I guess it would be a means of obscuring the bitterness in a relationship or an encounter. Either way, the title is a great set up.

Louching

I pour you neat.--love the opening line but wouldn't louching imply that it wouldn't be served neat. I could be off I guess
Your face gushes
And gushes
Then falls flush.

Your eyes bat
Sparkling like emerald city--I wonder if bat and sparkle give you much. I'd be tempted to cut bat and pull sparkle up (changing the tense. Would it be the emerald city?
And just as bottomless at the core;--I'd be tempted to cut at the core. It just seems stronger ending with bottomless here
They pull me
Deep.

And as I wallow,
I bleed.
And your gaze turns to haze
Like a frost kissed pane.--not concerned about how you work the breaks here but I think the internal rhyme is getting in the way of the punch that you want to have here. I would suggest simplifying "And your gaze is light a frost kissed pane" Very nice image by the way

And with this muteness
I have my way
With you.

You sink in me--in or into?
Revealing:
Tenderness
Honesty
Truth…--these lines after the sink one feel like a list. I'd consider cutting them. The imagery and interesting language works. This doesn't have the impact

With time
You’ll die.
And high tales of you
will taunt my spirit
Where you’ll linger.--maybe simplify: will linger in my spirit

& Then nothing will ever be as real.
Not even your spring-hued eyes.--love spring-hued. lovely phrasing

Enjoyed the read. I hope the comments help some.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Louching
Hi z,
I think I will like this. I did my louching in Malta. I know enough to comment on the content but as todd has already made a start I will just go at it as a piece of prose and see where it takes me. I like the simple title....well, better than nothing which is a penchant of yours

I pour you neat. as todd, on its tod a tot is a tad not louched. So maybe an enjoinder to this stanza involving your additive...otherwise I cannot get the sense out of it. I believe we are pouring an aniseed based liqueur into a glass
Your face gushes I think your times up. I am stuck here with no clues. You even repeat this line without any supplementary information so it is just padding. Try, try, try to make every, every word count, count, count.
And gushes
Then falls flush. These lines are too short. It is a device to make your poem longer. It does not work and it makes rhythm and flow much more difficult because you break up the sentences with implied pauses; and you compound the problem by capitalising every line. Old convention now in decline...for about the last 50years!

Your eyes batNo, they don't. You are thinking of cricketers and eyelashes. Clumsy unforced error. Not good word choice
Sparkling like emerald city
And just as bottomless at the core; Be careful of pre-mixed drinks and metaphors. Emerald city is not the emerald Isle but makes me think that yiu think it may be. A gap in my knowledge, why should I do all the googling, but what is "Emerald City"? Is it a football team or from the Wizard of Oz? Help. This whole stanza needs clarifying
They pull me
Deep. Stylistically you are hoping to set an acceptable quirkiness by leaving out words. "..falls flush" began it; now "..pull me deep.." Even down deep would be better.
And as I wallow, Hmmm. OK but have you looked up the meaning of "wallow "? Oh, you have...well, if you say so.
I bleed. Why?
And your gaze turns to haze
Like a frost kissed pane. Very good. Nice phrase and great imagery. More please.

And with this muteness What muteness?
I have my way
With you.

You sink in me
Revealing:
Tenderness
Honesty
Truth…

With time
You’ll die.
And high tales of you
will taunt my spirit
Where you’ll linger.

& Then nothing will ever be as real.
Not even your spring-hued eyes.

...and so on. There is a nice idea in here so why hide it beneath a cryptic counterpane? The whole piece needs opening up to make it clearer.
Best,
tectak

[zxcv6789]

Louching

I begged my spirit
the valor to pour you neat:
your face to gush
and gush
then fall
blissfully,
those emerald eyes
to reflect in mine,
pull me down
deep.

It was the piss
and the vinegar
that put it on ice.

So your face fades
like a frost kissed pane
and high tales of you linger
in my doleful soul,
exposing:
tenderness
honesty
truth.

And now nothing will ever be as real.
Not even your spring-hued eyes.

[Bloggsworth]

It is sometimes interesting when someone invents a new verb, but is this neologism doesn't, to my eyes, seem to relate to either of the two extant meanings of the noun louche or adverb louchely, I am, therefore, disadvantaged from the start; apart from that, for me, the poem is trying too hard to be poetic, which gets in the way of the tale being told.