the incident

[serge gurkski]

I fell down last night on my way to the kitchen and also on my arse.
I made noise wishing it had been louder
alarming my neighbours.
You know: Just to notify to them that I am still alive.
Or some bullshit like that.

But then I was, let us say, halfway through drunk,
and my logics, given I am in that state of.
Inebriateditty differ from my sober reasoning (ever so not unexpectedly) much.

If you know what I am saying here.

If you follow my reasoning.

If you want to make sense of what I was just telling you above.



But why?

(why not?)

[justcloudy]

this made me giggle. =]
love "Inebriateditty"
honestly I'd stop at the end of that line. it's enough.

[serge gurkski]

(I so did not understand you first. Blush)


Goldy, I am considering to lose the last 3 lines.

Thank you for your comment. ;-)

[lewis taylor]

The first stanza of this poem is fantastic, it really flows and carries you into the second stanza. My only criticisms are your use of the word bullshit (I'm not against swearing in poetry, I just think in this case it comes off a little tacky), and it would probably sound better as "just to notify them..."

Your second stanza is good, though not as good as the former. I really like the first line but the second is a little awkward. The full stop and 'ha!' compromise the beginning of the third line. I like your take on sober reasoning and so on but I think you could loose the brackets or shorten it a little.

The rest of the poem is as good as its beginning, a nice sort of fade out with reference to a 'you' which I like, and a bittersweet feeling of just another night and here I am again. I do think it would sound nicer as 'things you say you'll never do' and 'while much concerned,' but feel free to reject that. Great poem!

[billy]

I fell down last night on my way to the kitchen
I made noise wishing it had been louder
alarmig my neighbours. alarming
You know: Just to notify to them that I am still alive.
Some bullshit like that. would it work better as Or some bullshit like that.

Bt then I was ,let us say halfway-through drunk, by or but? comma next to the word,
and my logics, given I am in that state of. ha! logic
Inebriateditty differ from my sober reasoning (ever so not unexpectedly) much. the weird wordage works cos it's presumably a drunk 1st person. struggled with inebria.... but enjoyed that i did.

If you know what I am saying here.

If you follow my reasoning.

If you want to make sense of what I was just telling you above.



But why?

(why not?)

i think the concept of a drunk writing a poem (whether real or fictional is done well enough. i mention the spelling simply because it's wrong, if it's done to add drunken ambience, it would work. but it isn't writ by a drunk because you were drunk the night before, so spelling needs sorting.
one problem that arises is were you half drunk last night or full drunk now if not the latter the weird wordage doesn't work as well as i though

[serge gurkski]

I fell down last night on my way to the kitchen
I made noise wishing it had been louder
alarmig my neighbours. alarming
You know: Just to notify to them that I am still alive.
Some bullshit like that. would it work better as Or some bullshit like that.

Bt then I was ,let us say halfway-through drunk, by or but? comma next to the word,
and my logics, given I am in that state of. ha! logic
Inebriateditty differ from my sober reasoning (ever so not unexpectedly) much. the weird wordage works cos it's presumably a drunk 1st person. struggled with inebria.... but enjoyed that i did.

If you know what I am saying here.

If you follow my reasoning.

If you want to make sense of what I was just telling you above.



But why?

(why not?)

i think the concept of a drunk writing a poem (whether real or fictional is done well enough. i mention the spelling simply because it's wrong, if it's done to add drunken ambience, it would work. but it isn't writ by a drunk because you were drunk the night before, so spelling needs sorting.
one problem that arises is were you half drunk last night or full drunk now if not the latter the weird wordage doesn't work as well as i though

;-) thanks to both of you, Lewis and Billy.
"one problem that arises is were you half drunk last night or full drunk now " hahaha.

[justcloudy]

oh I liked the misspellings! --I felt it was a drunkard writing about his night, still totally wasted, but pretending he's sober now and that that was the night before.
dunno if that was the intention but that was the magic for me.

[serge gurkski]

don't ask me, I obviously blacked out.
Only thang I know is, woke up next day, rubbin' my right ass cheek.

pain's gone by now, Halle-loo-yah!