Pietas

[Leanne]

Today, upturned, I look for the lie,
the strawberry syrup disguising the base
that drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime
to a crystal decanter of sky.

Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls
all stamped with a date of expiry
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees
with a sniff from its perch in the sun.

And nobody looks in their pockets,
and nobody stands on the ground; instead
they despair, with their feet in the air
and I bleed, but their glasses are empty.



*Yes, recycling lines

[serge gurkski]

Today, upturned, I look for the lie,
the strawberry syrup disguising the base
that drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime
to a crystal decanter of sky.

Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls
all stamped with a date of expiry
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees
with a sniff from its perch in the sun.

And nobody looks in their pockets,
and nobody stands on the ground; instead
they despair, with their feet in the air
and I bleed, but their glasses are empty.



*Yes, recycling lines

What a stunner of a poem! Glad you recycled (loved "mockingbird mime").
The second stanza made me grin. ,-) Like it best. And not just because when I read it aloud, I was instantly reminded of: "where on pink-fluted feet the pigeons pass". ,-) (I will name neither rider nor horse for good reasons.)
Why else?
1. word play: " expiry - inspiring, (truffle) pigs - sniff - pearls, stamped - stampedes, pigs - pearls - perch
2. alliteration: pigs - pearls, dogma - decrees-
etc.

There is more (but not now)


Thank you for the read.

serge

[Leanne]

Thanks Serge -- the lines were feeling out of place before, so I built them a new poem

[serge gurkski]

Thanks Serge -- the lines were feeling out of place before, so I built them a new poem

Sorry, Leanne. I just updated my comment this very second, recalling that you - and rightly so - demanded proof for "I like it" - comments. There are more layers (I see 2 more) but I just showed some of the poetical devices you use in your poem that convinced me. (And these are - imo - never outdated. ;-)

[Leanne]

The amendment is much appreciated -- though as I'm sure you know, any comment at all that shows you've read the poem is always appreciated (by me at least).

[serge gurkski]

getting tipsy? ,-)
(I'd approve of that. But .. butt this s a workshop. sheesh ...)

[tectak]

Today, upturned, I look for the lie,
the strawberry syrup disguising the base
that drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime
to a crystal decanter of sky.Really glad you got this line in again. It matters now....much more than it did before. I knew it was precious. I intended coveting it Bugger

Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls
all stamped with a date of expiry
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees
with a sniff from its perch in the sun. "Smell by" date comes to mind. The purpose of poetry? Makes you think, doesn't it. Lovely stuff. Rhymes forced out

And nobody looks in their pockets,
and nobody stands on the ground; instead I don't see why you should be immune to this critter. You know what I am about to say, and I know you are bear-trapping me...but why?
they despair, with their feet in the air
and I bleed, but their glasses are empty.

Hi leanne,
an enlivened forum! This piece well worth the resubmit. Sorry to complain, or not, about the forced enjambment, if that is possible, but it is no beauty-spot on the face of perfection. You changed the rhythm radically enough in the final stanza to permit " instead they despair, with their feet in the air" so why not?
Best,
tectak


*Yes, recycling lines

[shemthepenman]

Today, upturned, I look for the lie, --- great word choice here, as if you need to be told.
the strawberry syrup disguising the base
that drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime
to a crystal decanter of sky. --- oh very nice reworking of these two lines; the 'crystal decanter of sky' really does much better here.*

Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls
all stamped with a date of expiry
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees
with a sniff from its perch in the sun. --- o fuck, this stanza is lovely to read.

And nobody looks in their pockets,
and nobody stands on the ground; instead
they despair, with their feet in the air
and I bleed, but their glasses are empty. --- again, cannot fault it.



*Yes, recycling lines

I really enjoyed this. took me a while to get round to it, but worth it.

*anyhow, I know it sounds strange, due to it being completely different and unrelated, but the Bolan song I think I was thinking of is 'Chariots of Silk' - in particular:
'A mad Mage with a maid on his eyebrows
Hunted the realm for a God
Who could teach him the craft of decanting [I misremembered this part]
The glassy entrails of a frog.'

[serge gurkski]

I will give you my take on it. Not Leanne`s!

nutshell: a poem about poetics. The poet has not yet been elevated to the upper echelon and wails. ,-)

[Todd]

Hi Leanne, I've been coming back to this a lot. My thoughts may be a little disorganized as I work through it. This has elements that I like in a poem such as mystery and evocative language. I'll just take it element by element. The title leads me to believe that I'm dealing with patriotism or some sort of loyalty and duty to clan and tribe.

Today, upturned, I look for the lie,--upturned is a versatile word. It could indicate that something has upset the speaker, caused them to question what was once left unquestioned. You think of upturned soil and possibly something buried below. This feels like the speaker had an epiphany and now looks for the lie that was previously invisible
the strawberry syrup disguising the base--I think strawberry was chosen for its resemblance to blood. Syrup carries a sweet connotation and makes you think of syrupy or honeyed words intending to insight. That it disguises the base makes me think that it's a faux modern revisionism.
that drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime--interesting contrast and good phrasing with mockingbird mime. Something noisy next to something silent. I may be taking this wrongly, but those spouting the rhetoric tell the masses what they want to hear and mime the actions they want them to take. There is no originality or substance it is just a reflection of what the public wants. This could be making a broad statement from the crowd consciousness of politics or religion to an approach to art.
to a crystal decanter of sky.--still a gorgeous line even more in this reuse. This makes me move more toward art. I could stick with politics or religion if I interpreted crystal as an innate goodness. I see this more as the polluting of tastes and the bias of the crowd

Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls--a reduction of aesthetic sensibilities make us root around like pigs. Nice use of the allusion. I especially like the condensed truffle pigs
all stamped with a date of expiry--We both lack the ability to recognize value initially, and by the time we do its impact and relevance is wasted
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees--back to the fickle, easy to manipulate crowd
with a sniff from its perch in the sun.--the damn bird again with its true view of the crowd. The sniff shows the disdain. The perch shows the distance.

And nobody looks in their pockets,
and nobody stands on the ground; instead
they despair, with their feet in the air--these three lines give a sense of the helpless condition of the masses, being lied to, stole from, and rendered incapable
and I bleed, but their glasses are empty.--Now, we see the speaker inserted. The speaker bleeds, suffers for something worthwhile--not like the platitudes of strawberry syrup. The speaker scatters pearls and the pigs go rooting by. They are unable to drink the offering before it too expires. Perhaps an echo to the speaker being recognized after their death.



*Yes, recycling lines

Well, those were my initial thoughts. I loved the poem. I hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

Tectak: The enjambment that so distresses you is for two reasons -- the first is that I read everything aloud before I commit it to posting and reorganise my pauses accordingly to ensure that pace and sonics are maximised. That stanza worked best with the hard pause after instead. The second, and much more important reason, is that I knew it would irritate you. If you like, you may consider it revenge for those syntax inversions you insist on using to annoy me

Dear Mr Penman, I have decanted only one frog in my time and sadly, its entrails were not glassy. The resulting liquor completely ruined the neighbour's tablecloth.

Todd, it's going to take me as long to work through your critique as it took you to work through my poem! I had religion in my head for some reason while I was writing it, but that of course is transferrable to all kinds of different hypocrisies -- and even with religion at the fore, there's absolutely no doubt that it was always underscored by art and politics. They're inextricable, at least in my head. It's an uncomfortable crowd sometimes. Many inadequate thanks for your thoughts.

[UnofficiallyMe]

This is stunning poem:

Today, upturned, I look for the lie,
the strawberry syrup disguising the base
that drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime
to a crystal decanter of sky. <- its like drinking the sky

Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls
all stamped with a date of expiry
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees
with a sniff from its perch in the sun. <- this just really flows and I like how it all expands and ties so many things together

And nobody looks in their pockets,
and nobody stands on the ground; instead
they despair, with their feet in the air
and I bleed, but their glasses are empty. <-this says paragraphs all in just 4 short lines, brilliant

[Leanne]

Thanks very much!

[UnofficiallyMe]

Okay, I have been really thinking over this for awhile, and I am unsued to the editing features of this site yet but.. below is my humble suggestions. I just made the changes.. which I am sure is wrong but I bolded them.. please let me know if this is in bad taste. thanks!

Today, upturned, I look for the lie,
strawberry syrup disguising the base <-removed the
which drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime <-changed to which
to a crystal decanter of sky.

Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls
all stamped with a date of expiry
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees
a sniff from its perch in the sun.

And nobody looks in their pockets,
nobody stands on the ground; instead
they despair, with their feet in the air
yet I bleed, but their glasses are empty. <-removed and and added yet

[Leanne]

It's not in bad taste at all -- but don't be offended if I don't use them I really appreciate anyone taking the time to go through things in this way, though I certainly don't demand it. I will think over your suggestions, thank you!

[milo]

Hello leanne. I liked a lot here. My biggest appreciation is the use of anapestics to lighten the tones of phrases that might otherwise read faux-poetic or archaic if you stuck with iambics.

Today, upturned, I look for the lie,
the strawberry syrup disguising the base
that drips from the tongue of the mockingbird mime
to a crystal decanter of sky.

I get the feeling you have a specific instance in mind here but it can't quite place it so instead I appreciate the wordplay. choices like crystal decanter of sky are /quite/ nice, as I am sure you know. I have no idea what it means here but I love the originality, the imagery and the sonics.


Where truffle pigs root through a midden of pearls
all stamped with a date of expiry
inspiring stampedes as the dogma decrees
with a sniff from its perch in the sun.

"midden of pearls", "date of expiry" and "dogma decrees" never could have been pulled off without your tight control of meter. so of course we should not cast our pearls before swine, but so many have been cast they are forming a midden here and of course our oblivious pigs don't notice?

And nobody looks in their pockets,
and nobody stands on the ground; instead
they despair, with their feet in the air
and I bleed, but their glasses are empty.

I assume people would find silver in their pockets and their glasses are empty for a failure to take of your sacrament.



*Yes, recycling lines

Overall, of course I loved the poem for it's meter and word choice. I assumed our narrator was Christ himself so it seems odd to hear him speaking in such flippant verse. Still, speaking in parables and all.

You seem to be treading a nice line between showing not telling and clubbing us with the hammer of the obvious.

milo

[Leanne]

Cheers milo -- I hadn't thought of Christ as the narrator but that reading does work, I like it!

I keep trying to tell people that learning meter will help them with their free verse, but hardly anyone seems to believe me

[UnofficiallyMe]

but of course, it is your work..

besides my suggestions are just one version out of the million possible..
no matter which way you go, I think it will be great

[joshuacan]

It is incredibly difficult to gauge the context and underlying meaning, I don't think you are best served making this entire poem cryptic. I would suggest offering one line of very clear elucidation that allows the reader to properly glimpse and decipher the meanings of all these what-I-think-are metaphors. It reads incredibly pretentiously. My best guess is that this is about products in a refrigerator that have expired, or a slaughterhouse. Perhaps I am entirely missing something(s), but I am left confused.

The writing is solid, the word choice excellent, and the flow is decent.

[Leanne]

Thanks for reading, Joshua, I'm sorry you missed it.