Help on what i need to improve on im a 16 year old boy who enjoys free writing poetry

[_nothinglastsforeverbutlove_]

This heart of mine was once whole
Now it is broken to little pieces
I tried the best I could to hold us together
But my best was not good enough
And I'm sorry I failed you
I'm sorry that I want good enough for your heart
I apologize for the stuff I cannot change
And what I cannot control
You are the love of my life
But I shall be in eternal darkness forevermore
It is not your fault it is mine for believing
For believing that id ever be good enough
For one so special and beautiful
I guess it was too much to hope for
It was a dream I never wanted to wake up from
But I am awake now and feeling
The pains of forever promised
Go into the wind
My dreams hopes love and heart have gone with the wind

[Claire]

I do like your poem, there seems to be alot of hurt feelings in it.
To improve it, maybe take out stuff and replace it with something more defined and specific.
The last two lines repeat wind, maybe put breeze? Breeze is light to the sound.
For anyone with a broken heart, there would be a connection.
By the way, you are good enough for everyone and if they make you feel like you don't measure up, they are who is not good enough.

[shemthepenman]

I am not so good with advice, but have recently been reading some of my teenage poetry [and just old stuff in general] so felt compelled to comment.
I would advise possibly watch out for clichés. We are talking about a broken heart [I assume, unless I am missing something], and in which case there are a lot of clichés dealing with this subject – the subject itself may be considered a cliché. Sometimes the emotion finds itself lazy, I know, and the biggest cliché is ‘clichés are true’.
I could numerate the clichéd lines [it would take a while], but maybe try looking for them, it’ll help.
Don’t rely on the idea that one is usually taught, that ‘anyone can write poetry’ or ‘express yourself’. I tried expressing myself on a flute once; I can’t play the flute, so imagine how that sounded.
I think if you look out there is a thread by Leanne [possibly the best advise you’ll get] called something like ‘your poem’s shit’ or something like that. It could help. I don’t mean that Your poem is shit by the way, in fact, I was thinking how ‘nothing changes’ hearts get broken and it is still the subject one wants to go back to. You obviously can write. So keep at it.
One more thing, ‘gone with the wind’… now I know it is used, in fact Bob Dylan used this phrase in one of his early songs, but I cannot help seeing references and possibly this is a genius move by you to add a cliché love film reference to a cliché poem [highlighting the fact it is as such], but to me it seems a little comical and possibly unintended.

[hkohl15]

I'm a newbie to advice and commenting, but its a very good start for a poem. The reader can feel your emotion. However, it is still very "raw" if that makes sense, and could use more editing. For example, some words especially are informal - such as your use of the word "stuff" or "good enough" (which is used twice) These distract the reader from the point and make them focus on these words. Hope this helps!

[billy]

it seems others have left some good comments. the cliches could be changed for original phrases, at present almost everything is a cliche. most of the poem says very little. cut those parts out and write something that talks to the reader.

go through it line by line.

my heart is mosaic
splintering enamel tears.

this is just to give you an idea. not good i know but use your imagination and create an image to show what you mean.

This heart of mine was once whole
Now it is broken to little pieces
I tried the best I could to hold us together
But my best was not good enough
And I'm sorry I failed you
I'm sorry that I want good enough for your heart
I apologize for the stuff I cannot change
And what I cannot control
You are the love of my life
But I shall be in eternal darkness forevermore
It is not your fault it is mine for believing
For believing that id ever be good enough
For one so special and beautiful
I guess it was too much to hope for
It was a dream I never wanted to wake up from
But I am awake now and feeling
The pains of forever promised
Go into the wind
My dreams hopes love and heart have gone with the wind