Posts: 12
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2013
I think this is where you post a poem?
I am writing a poem and I'm not sure how to improve it, though I know it can be improved. Please help but be nice(:
One in a Million
I want to say
a million words
to you.
Instead,
I stop the list at
one.
I am down to
a single word,
hoping you will
say the same.
If I could tell you
what has always been
on my mind,
maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
Maybe, I would be
speaking to you
right now.
Maybe, there would be
no wonder of what to say or
what to feel.
Please listen,
please care.
For what I am about to say,
took me time to realize
I can.
It is not much,
just one word,
but it is the courage
I worked to gain.
This is what
I never thought
I would do.
I dare myself to walk
toward you,
so unpredictable.
Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.
I wish I could
turn around,
forget about all this,
but I am
already standing
in front of you.
I want to say
a million words
to you.
Instead,
I stop the list at
one.
I am down to
a single word,
hoping you will
say the same.
You smile
at me
as I look
at you.
I hold my breath and
tell you
the only word I can,
the word that starts all this: “Hello.”
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Hi Claire. I like the idea of this poem and I think the way you turn it into nearly a palindrome is quite effective. The problem I have with it is that in the middle, it becomes very wordy and loses focus. You start (and finish, obviously!) with a fairly tight rhythm but this is lost when you move to the more sentence-like longer lines and it's a shame. My suggestion to fix it is to go through those middle stanzas and decide which ones are most important, which ones could maybe merge together and which could be thrown out altogether. Once you've done that, you'll have quite a nice little poem that fully communicates what you mean.
It could be worse
Posts: 2,352
Threads: 228
Joined: Oct 2010
Hi Claire, welcome to the site! Here's my general thought for this poem. You need to look at what you can cut and pair it down.
This:
Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.
is excellent.
If you could keep tight monologue running linked with more of this sort of imagery I think you'd have an effective poem. I already like what the one word is and how you end this. I'd suggest moving though this and cutting what isn't essential then try to say what you are saying with a little more imagery blended in like you do with the butterflies and you'll probably be in good shape.
Lot of potential with this one.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Posts: 33
Threads: 13
Joined: Feb 2013
did you deliberately use I so much or did it flow into the writting
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
we're always nice >
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it's very bare and that works. some of the enjambment is good. the problem for me is the length. it seems to weaken the poem. what i did like about it was the one word, i was trying to work out what it would be as i read and i never got it. mu suggestion would be to trim a few of the lines away.
oh i forget 'hello'
(03-11-2013, 05:10 AM)Claire Wrote: I think this is where you post a poem?
I am writing a poem and I'm not sure how to improve it, though I know it can be improved. Please help but be nice(:
One in a Million
I want to say
a million words
to you.
Instead,
I stop the list at
one.
I am down to
a single word,
hoping you will
say the same.
If I could tell you
what has always been
on my mind,
maybe this wouldn’t be so hard.
Maybe, I would be
speaking to you
right now.
Maybe, there would be
no wonder of what to say or
what to feel.
Please listen,
please care.
For what I am about to say,
took me time to realize
I can.
It is not much,
just one word,
but it is the courage
I worked to gain.
This is what
I never thought
I would do.
I dare myself to walk
toward you,
so unpredictable.
Butterflies take flight
as I look into your
eyes.
I wish I could
turn around,
forget about all this,
but I am
already standing
in front of you.
I want to say
a million words
to you.
Instead,
I stop the list at
one.
I am down to
a single word,
hoping you will
say the same.
You smile
at me
as I look
at you.
I hold my breath and
tell you
the only word I can,
the word that starts all this: “Hello.”
Hi
I agree with a lot of what the others are saying. I most defiantly think that this poem could be cut down a little bit. But you should elaborate not with more words but with building a mental image like with the butterflies. Maybe describe how nervous you feel. I really do like the thought and i can see where your going with it, and I can relate because it's how i felt talking with my now girlfriend for the first time.
