Shout!
Birds singing obscure doubt,
Golden arches bring tempting toys,
Buzzed Belgian bakers beget bewitching bait,
Whispers go inconspicuous.
Unchallenging challenges hinder griefing,
Questionable intent obstructs exploring suicide,
Pricey papers persuade passionate players to participate,
Whispers consume steadily.
Unpopular fruit rots in unchivalrous batches,
Moles hunt dirty worms while digging holes,
Several sacred siblings stimulate shady stories,
Whispers rupture the harmony.
The crazed man whispers eerily before attacking his next victim.
The dying child whispers a devastating “Help me” to her father.
The troubled teen whispers despicable comments before jumping.
Whispers kill.
SHOUT!
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(03-05-2013, 09:58 AM)connorp123 Wrote: Shout!
Birds singing obscure doubt,
Golden arches bring tempting toys,
Buzzed Belgian bakers beget bewitching bait,
Whispers go inconspicuous.
Unchallenging challenges hinder griefing,
Questionable intent obstructs exploring suicide,
Pricey papers persuade passionate players to participate,
Whispers consume steadily.
Unpopular fruit rots in unchivalrous batches,
Moles hunt dirty worms while digging holes,
Several sacred siblings stimulate shady stories,
Whispers rupture the harmony.
The crazed man whispers eerily before attacking his next victim.
The dying child whispers a devastating “Help me” to her father.
The troubled teen whispers despicable comments before jumping.
Whispers kill.
SHOUT!
Too deep and profound for me. I will leave this to others. Bit of a shame really. Poetry should not have this effect.
Best,
tectak
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(03-05-2013, 09:58 AM)connorp123 Wrote: Shout!
First off the title: I’m sorry but I’m going to have to say it, I can’t see this word in bold and with an exclamation mark without thinking of Lulu’s version of that song. I know this is almost the opposite of what this is about but I might not be able to help myself from bursting into the odd line here or there…sorry about this. (The sun is shining here and It’s not pissing down with rain for the first time in I don’t know how long – so I’m feeling a bit spring like and silly  ).
Back to the poem – At first read I think I agree with tec that this one is a bit obscure. But I will work my way through it and tell you where my thoughts are leading me and see if I manage to pick up anything else comment worthy along the way.
Birds singing obscure doubt, Taken as a whole line, makes me think of the fact the birds are actually swearing and attempting to shout each other down. Sort of playing a game of bluff to claim territory and mates. “Come over here and I’ll peck your eyes out!” talk. Thinking that perhaps this could be then a reference to the noise of nature and by extension to be taken as a metaphore for our own thinly veiled sexual posturing.
Golden arches bring tempting toys, Not much idea …Macdonalds and the kids meal boxes with a toy in? An image of overstimulation and excessive spoiling of our children
Buzzed Belgian bakers beget bewitching bait, Again I feel lost… buzzed Belgian – perhaps a reference to coffee? Belgian bakers – posh pastry…which is tempting to eat? So thinking this is about over-indulgence & gluttony.
Whispers go inconspicuous. Not sure but perhaps a reference to the idea that all of the above mentioned things are “quiet” daily but slightly hidden noises in our lives all never-the-less vying for our attention.
Unchallenging challenges hinder griefing, Think you might be meaning grieving here and perhaps a period rather than a comma is needed. (And ditto for other lines in this stanza) I’m struggling to make any real connections here with the things in the stanza above. If connected with line one ideas then maybe could be said of a song birds challenge…but then why does it hinder grieving?
Questionable intent obstructs exploring suicide, What intent? Need more information. Things that came to mind perhaps life insurance or business contracts.
Pricey papers persuade passionate players to participate, ? football and other sporting contracts
Whispers consume steadily. Think stanza as a whole might be talking about worldly avarice, commercialism and greed.
Unpopular fruit rots in unchivalrous batches, Uk spelling un-chivalrous. The waste of food and commodities in westernised culture ?
Moles hunt dirty worms while digging holes, An interesting line. Could be taken as literal things or Moles as in spies , worms as in agents of devise and corruption, holes as in leaks. Taken as whole corruption in governments.
Several sacred siblings stimulate shady stories, , The links between the main religions of the world (sharing a common root of prophets or ideas)
Whispers rupture the harmony. Ok so no idea if I’m completely wrong about what you intended to covey but if I continue with the theme I have going, this stanza is about the international and “bigger” things in governmental halls of power, out of the remit of the common man, that make up yet another level of noise in our lives.
The crazed man whispers eerily before attacking his next victim.
The dying child whispers a devastating “Help me” to her father.
The troubled teen whispers despicable comments before jumping.
Whispers kill.
SHOUT!
Overall I think I managed to make some sort of sense out of this but it did seem somewhat hard work and this detracted from any pleasure in the actual read.
Concerning the poem as a whole:- I am a big fan of alliteration and would be first to put my hand up to admit that I overuse this and get carried away with this, but having every word of the third line in each stanza staring with this tool seems excessive –whilst mildly clever to make this work for the meaning of the poem, I don't think it adds much to the read or pleasure of the read. In fact for me it had the opposite effect and caused me to stumble. I felt that there were some interesting ideas and images in this poem but they were not that accessable and i would have like a few other aspects to keep my interest. Perhaps a slant rhyme would work here.
Hope these notes are of some help
AJ.
Thanks for the read. It was thought provoking.
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hm: Just watched Marx Brothers on youtube.
Maybe that is the reason why I really love this outstanding line:
"Unpopular fruit rots in unchivalrous batches,"
Once I read "moles" I knew what this mysterious masterpiece is about:
It is nothing less than a brilliant (ly disguised) reference to a poem of Robert Burns.
To make it not too simple for the Sherlock Holmesses among us, I will just give one hint:
In Lallans one of the words for "mole" is moudiwort, which is the word Burns uses in his poem.
Good luck! :-)
cheers
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@ Serge:- Have to go and look this up...my turn to be dull!
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You are not at all dull . My comment was tongue in cheek. But the Burns poem really exists. And if you check out my email address you will understand why I know it. ;-)
and now seriously this to the author: I'm all for aliteration orgies, but even I finf it a bit too much. I like the shout - whisper contrast- all in all I must confess it is too cryptic for me. And - oh wonder - agree with Tom: Here and there I find possible hints at the intended meaning:
I'll make one very bold guess: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marc_Dutroux
because of this:
Belgian bakers beget bewitching bait,
and this:
Pricey papers persuade passionate players to participate,
and this:
The crazed man whispers eerily before attacking his next victim.
and especially that:
The dying child whispers a devastating “Help me” to her father.
The troubled teen whispers despicable comments before jumping.
Whispers kill.
Sorry to disappoint but it's not about anyone else, just flaws in humanity and problems with my life at the time. I wrote this about a year ago when I was 15 and in a dark place, just trying to release some emotion. I thought I would post it in here to get some criticism but I guess I was looking for something different. This poem is riddled with symbolism that would be almost impossible for anyone else to understand so I apologize for you who tried to grasp the meaning. Thank you everyone for the feedback though.
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(03-07-2013, 02:39 AM)connorp123 Wrote: Sorry to disappoint but it's not about anyone else, just flaws in humanity and problems with my life at the time. I wrote this about a year ago when I was 15 and in a dark place, just trying to release some emotion. I thought I would post it in here to get some criticism but I guess I was looking for something different. This poem is riddled with symbolism that would be almost impossible for anyone else to understand so I apologize for you who tried to grasp the meaning. Thank you everyone for the feedback though.
been there! ;-) One could still post it in order to get feedback on technical issues. But that is of course only for you to decide. as far as I am concerned, there is no need to apologize. Sometimes trying to solve riddles can be fun.
cheers
Serge
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