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What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die?
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes noon
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky
or watch fat pigs go flying by?
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart?
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die.
Quote:Lie Dead (Original)
What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die?
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes out noon
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky
or watch fat pigs as they go flying by?
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart?
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die.
Follow up to A Father Dies
tectak 2013
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
03-04-2013, 06:54 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-04-2013, 06:55 PM by billy.)
i can see the noon edit on the 4th line, and it works.
the poem works well for me upto the last stanza. the 1st line of it acts as a great hook and that's where i'd finish the poem. i;m not sure answers are needed. the answers are okay but they stop the reader from pondering the questions posed. they're not left with anything.
i did enjoy the read 
(03-04-2013, 06:02 PM)tectak Wrote: What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die?
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes noon
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky
or watch fat pigs go flying by?
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay i like the the dichotomy of life within inanimacy
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart?
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die.
Quote:Lie Dead (Original)
What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die?
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes out noon
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky
or watch fat pigs as they go flying by?
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart?
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die.
Follow up to A Father Dies
tectak 2013
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(03-04-2013, 06:54 PM)billy Wrote: i can see the noon edit on the 4th line, and it works.
the poem works well for me upto the last stanza. the 1st line of it acts as a great hook and that's where i'd finish the poem. i;m not sure answers are needed. the answers are okay but they stop the reader from pondering the questions posed. they're not left with anything.
i did enjoy the read
(03-04-2013, 06:02 PM)tectak Wrote: What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die?
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes noon
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky
or watch fat pigs go flying by?
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay i like the the dichotomy of life within inanimacy
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart?
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die.
Quote:Lie Dead (Original)
What will I see when I die, father, what will I see when I die?
Can you see the man who is not there,
who smiles as he sits on his old empty chair?
Can you see the stars when the clock chimes out noon
or follow the path of the faceless moon,
or see the sun in an overcast sky
or watch fat pigs as they go flying by?
What will I feel when I die, father, what will I feel when I die?
Can you feel the west wind on a still, calm day
or the breath on your neck from a statue of clay
or cold sea round your feet as you walk forest paths
or the heat of log fires, long since burnt to ash?
What will I hear when I die, father, what will I hear when I die?
Can you hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride
or the pain of the moment when old friends depart
or the anguish of hiding a tired, broken heart?
What will I be when I die, father, what will I be when I die?
You will be the man who is not there.
You will be be the west wind on a still calm day.
You will be the joy of a new father's pride.
You will be all these things when you die my son,
You will be all these things when you die.
Follow up to A Father Dies
tectak 2013 Hi billy, are you still in blighty?
This bloody poem. Yes to the thrust of your observation...the last stanza DOES answer the questions, but to be embarrassingly honest, that last verse was how I started this, it was the bloody questions I added on later!
The last verse was a stand-alone spurred on by a question my god son asked me years ago when he was about three. He saw a tree that had fallen over and lamented the fact...I said not to worry, God'll fix it. After a 20 second pause he asked " Who is goddle?"
That set me off on this.....what are the questions we should ask before we die. I think "Who is goddle?" is a good opener.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
yeah, i'm here till the 17th, then i'm back to the philippines.
I'm more than positive others will enjoy the ending and i can see after the reply why you have it. on that basis alone the last stanza is worth keeping. like i said, the answers are okay 
i do like the altered refrain you have at play, i bet it would sound gloriously calming in a soft scots accent
Posts: 426
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tectak,
really enjoyed the poem, it's simple but thoughtful. I saw somewhere (another thread I think?) that you imagine the dying son to be 7-10yrs old. I like the thought and I see where you're coming from, but if you want to stick with that, the 3rd stanza doesn't really work. kids don't know what it sounds like when they
"hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride".
just a thought; otherwise I have no qualms.
--goldyfish
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Joined: Feb 2017
(03-05-2013, 08:13 PM)goldyfish Wrote: tectak,
really enjoyed the poem, it's simple but thoughtful. I saw somewhere (another thread I think?) that you imagine the dying son to be 7-10yrs old. I like the thought and I see where you're coming from, but if you want to stick with that, the 3rd stanza doesn't really work. kids don't know what it sounds like when they
"hear the joy of a new father's pride
or the loss of a mother when a son takes a bride".
just a thought; otherwise I have no qualms.
--goldyfish Thanks, goldy, for your input.
I take your point re. the "father's pride" but would excuse myself thus wise, accepting that if you found this a concept complex I failed.
The idea is that the father IS indicating all the things that cannot be understood until death. That is all.
Best,
...I may change it yet
tectak
Posts: 426
Threads: 41
Joined: Feb 2013
as a reader it seemed like it was the son talking until the last stanza, when the father speaks out. even with your explanation I'm still having a hard time seeing it another way. oops. 
--goldyfish
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The howling beast is back.
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(03-05-2013, 08:24 PM)goldyfish Wrote: as a reader it seemed like it was the son talking until the last stanza, when the father speaks out. even with your explanation I'm still having a hard time seeing it another way. oops.
--goldyfish
How about if I italicise the opening line of the stanzas?
Hm?
Best,
tectak
Posts: 426
Threads: 41
Joined: Feb 2013
for this reader, nope, that still wouldn't fix it.
but I'm just one, everyone else seems to get it. guess my brain is just backwards ;D
--goldyfish
edit:
didn't even notice that you had already changed it.
ok so yes it helps a bit. but does it sort of break the flow? up to you.
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The howling beast is back.
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