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haiku

haiku
addy Offline
The Dog's Bollocks.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
#1
12-17-2009, 05:54 PM
whiskers in ear
don't want her itchy secrets
the cat purrs asleep
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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billy Offline
Are you alluding to me?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
#2
12-17-2009, 06:16 PM
(12-17-2009, 05:54 PM)addy Wrote:  whiskers in ear
don't want her itchy secrets
the cat purrs asleep
love the first line.
and the juxtaposition within the poem.
as before, for me "it" would be better than "her" as her gives a female attribute that would be more in line with a senru.
the big thing, which i missed the last time and had reminded to me by my stepdaughter is this:

no mention of a season.
as is, it makes a fine senru.
only takes a little bit of work to make it a fine haiku. jmo.
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Ris Yerg Offline
Senior Member
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Posts: 197
Threads: 78
Joined: Jan 2011
#3
02-08-2011, 04:26 PM
Yes, it is!
5 stars + rep point!
R.Y.
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addy Offline
The Dog's Bollocks.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
#4
02-11-2011, 12:06 PM
(02-08-2011, 04:26 PM)Ris Yerg Wrote:  Yes, it is!
5 stars + rep point!
R.Y.
Heh, one of my earlier efforts Smile. Glad you liked!
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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